I'm not literally sleepwalking, though many times it sure does feel like it. I just didn't know what to title this entry.
I woke up this morning super agitated. It's hard to get sleep- as my body repeatedly wakes me up. These past couple of nights I have actually been getting more than 2 or 3 hours at a time which is fantastic.
This morning I felt GRUMPY! I did not want to wake up at 8, but there was a soothie to be made, a pull-up to change (twice), and the small voice: "Auntie Janet?"
I had another muscle spasm around my ribs while lifting Mylie onto the bed. Than we fell back asleep (some days it works and other days it doesn't). I heard someone banging on a neighbor's door for a long while, someone mowing the grass outside our window, and the upstairs neighbor vaccuuming. In case you forgot, I somehow have super sonic hearing these days. Ha, not really. I do hear things SUPER loud though. It can be a bit away and it's unbearable in my head.
So now I feel better. There's a few funky things stirring around in my spirit though. I am trying to stay positive. I believe God is faithful to me through this. No doubt, but I am also honest and will admit I have my days of anger or sadness or discouragement. I also have days where I feel completely happy and elated at life. In between these two extremes my joy is constant. Joy and happiness are two different things. Happiness is fleeting and it comes and goes. Joy is something I have in Christ alone and NO ONE can steal that from me. No person, illness, or thing can take that good deposit in my spirit. Thank you, Abba, for that. :) But like I said, I will not pretend and act like I am constantly happy to be going through this trial. That would be a lie, and I see it a lot in people who are believers. It's okay to say you are hurting or discouraged. That doesn't mean you love Jesus any less. It doesn't mean your are any less a believer. We don't have to always be okay. In fact, Jesus took the time to grieve with people. To cry with those who hurt. Since we love Him, and seek to become like Him, should we dismiss this part of His character?
It's an encouragement to have someone sit beside me on my worst day. No words needed. If you have a verse to share, thank you. If you want to pray for me, thank you. That's it. Simple. Effective. It ministers to a heart far more to sit in silence, letting the Holy Spirit soothe with His balm, than to give advice or a pep talk. Honestly.
I am in transition. A couple of weeks ago I was at my lowest point. EVER. Not just with this trial, but in my life. I felt like the darkness would last forever. But it didn't. With my cry to God : "Daddy, I can't do this anymore!" came a fresh wave of His grace and love. Colors became bright again. Sounds became delightful. Did He ever leave me? No way. Did He remain even while I felt alone? Oh yes. But I was so embroiled in my own fear and bitterness that I was not inviting Him to grieve with me.
God does NOT want me sick. He doesn't want YOU sick. No way. But He will use this pain... this situation to bring about good. Things in my character are being refined. Insecurities brought right up and being dealt with. I am splayed open on a table and Doctor God is doing a miracle work. Better than any earthly physician. Better than any test results. I have finally understood that it doesn't matter.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
If the test results come back with unappealing results.
If one remains barren.
If Mr. and Mrs. Bland don't get the house.
If they lose the house.
If we know Jesus. If we are intimate with Him. Not just attending church, reading our Bible's to cross off of the to-do list, and serve because we are supposed to... speaking Christianese to appear like we are spiritual...
IF we have a continuous love relationship with the Savior of the world, than none of those things matter.
They hurt. They get us in a tizzy. I am the first to admit that. When I say it doesn't matter, I am not saying our pain doesn't matter. That definitely matters. But taking our pain and bringing it to the feet of Jesus is what makes it all fade away. In that stillness we find peace and rest and comfort.
Our God is not a genie in a bottle. Things are not always going to go according to our 10 year plan. If you are a believer that is a given. The devil will trip us up, and we will trip ourselves up, but as long as we continue to cry out and ask the Lord to show us His face, to be with us, to grow us, to build our faith- then all of that becomes white noise.
We can approach boldly his throne.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Flourish in His grace.
Delight in His presence.
Mark 6:31
And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while." For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.
Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou dost prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; Thou hast anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Exodus 33:14
And He said, "My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. "For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
Psalm 37:7
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, Because of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Enjoy!
