The blood work I got done last week may not be valid. CMSP would not cover it through Lab Corp so they told me to take it to Quest. I got a call from an irate sounding medical assistant asking why I didn't go to Lab Corp. Hmmm maybe because money doesn't grow on trees and I cannot.

My ear and tooth are still bothering me. Not sure if they are the same issue or two separate ones. I may go to the ER tonight to get my ear checked. I have an appointment for early (yikes) Friday morning to get 2 more teeth evaluated for root canals (yes, the same two teeth they mentioned when I got the first root canal. It would have been nice if they could have just done it all that day seeing as how this place is in San Pablo and I'm not exactly swimming in money to pay for toll and gas). The crown simply cannot be done until July 19th which is about 2 months after the root canal. It's hurting.

I love the rain today. Everyone is complaining about it, and as a chronic pain sufferer I understand that aspect. It does make a difference with fibro. However when people grumble about rain just to grumble it really gets my goat. GET OVER IT. God made sunshine, but He also made rain. Enjoy it all. Stop whining. Or at least stop whining to me.

I have my usual light therapy treatment tomorrow for the psoriasis. Since mine is extremely mild the light therapy works wonders. It's going away some. I hope it stays that way.

Next week I have another appointment and then a million more after that. I long for the day where I won't have to go to appointments every week, or more then once a week. It's become my life. Or at least a huge part of it.

Still, I am hugely blessed. I have food to eat, a place to sleep each night, and amazing people in my life. I also feel grateful to have medical insurance and medication to help me.

Today is intense waves of nausea, earache, neck and head and jaw pain and the tooth that needs a crown is hurting like the dickens. The door knob broke on the front door and will not close. I just want to sleep. It hurts all over and I feel like throwing up. Intensely. Nausea is one of the worst things about fibromyalgia. It comes and holds on and teases- not allowing me to barf, but holding strong with the sensation.

:(

I hate all food right now, but have to eat because I take a zillion pills every couple of hours.

Please come back non-flare. Please come back feeling energetic and happy and better.

Please.
Please.
Please.

Trapped

For two weeks I have felt like a human being again.

I have seen close friends, I have went swimming repeatedly, I have had energy to give Mylie the attention I used to before I got sick, I have had a positive mind frame.

I don't know when it happened but sometime over these last weeks I have somehow found my core again. Janet. Me. The woman beneath all of this last couple of years and all the turmoil. I have peace in my soul, in my gut, in my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I am able to stop myself before an outburst. I am able to handle life.

I know this to be so. I feel it everywhere. Gone is the chaos, the blackness that became my daily life. I can laugh and play and enjoy being alive again.

And yet it is never without repercussion. Two lovely weeks I have had and then after falling into an early and much needed slumber and sleeping for at least 12 hours I woke up with my neck and head in pain. My ears feel full and my stomach twists in nausea. Fatigue has been here these last two weeks. Do not get me wrong. Two great weeks is not without pain or fatigue... oh no, those stay with me stubbornly, but they have managed to hang out on the fringes these weeks... until this morning. I can feel the onslaught of a flare. The way my eyes want to close, the way it hurts to hold up my head, the ear plugs resting securely in my ears so the dryer and noise of the real world are not allowed in. Today is a day where each and every noise is my enemy and I battle the guilt that comes as I realize I probably won't be able to make it to church tonight.

Again.

People get it wrong. They say "God will understand" or "just stay home" or "don't worry about telling people you can't go." Unless you have fibromyalgia you don't know how everything becomes a struggle. It's not about me not wanting to do stuff- it's that I want to very bad but most times what I want to do and what I can do are two very different things.

I am a fighter. I feel I have navigated these choppy fibromyalgia waters and come out alive. I am working on managing it and I have been faithful as far as medication. I do need to be more strict about my diet as sugar has slowly snuck back in.

Anyway, I am in a tizzy at the moment. I have felt like "a normal" for 2 weeks now but the reality is that I am not normal. I have various conditions going on at every moment and my immune system is working at 12%. I do have limitations, and I do have to pay attention to my body. For whatever reason it is saying STOP today. I feel it all over and so maybe I have learned something after all.

Months ago I would have sucked it up and pushed myself because the guilt would eat me alive. I would have taken a shower, gotten dressed and rode in a car 30 minutes away, sat through a church service, hung out with the teens afterwards until about 10pm, rode home in horrendous pain and extreme fatigue, and then crashed into bed with maybe a whine fest or two. Then I would be in a flare for the next week or two all because I did not listen to my body.

I have started to view my body in a different light. I must take care of it. People take care of their cars- oil changes, tune-ups, tire rotations, car washes... but I treated my body horribly. Bad food, little sleep, working hard all the time... always toting kids around, dropping everything to help someone out... this is not a good thing. That was a contributer to my demise. I did not see my body as something to be taken care of.

Today I struggle. Today is the mind and the body wanting two different things. The reality is that without the body's cooperation I am waging war against myself. I woke up on this day on the verge of a flare. The other night I grinned to myself thinking I had it conquered... now I remember it is to be a lifetime of balances.

Sleep.
Diet.
Exercise.
Rest.
Paying attention when my body says no.

Today it is saying no.

Instead of seeing it as defeat, I am choosing to see it as one disappointment today may mean I get 2 more weeks feeling good.

We'll see.

In any case this is a good reminder to stay humble. You cannot get arrogant with a chronic condition. It just will not work.

I haven't had to use this in 2 weeks which is a huge feat! Plus I have been able to walk in Target without the use of a motorized cart. That's progress! Thank you sunshine.

I am tempted to just go. Just suck it up. Just "see." Ah, but seeing if I can do it has already proven countless times that I WILL reap what I sow. This is the constant crux of fibromyalgia. Up, down, around, sideways.

Comments

Thank you for those of you that have left feedback on recent posts. I am so sorry I did not respond to you on the specific blogs. I honestly did not feel well for a stretch of time there with the eye infections, flu, etc. I just want you each to know how much I value the encouragement and support. I appreciate YOU.

:)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr




Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

I've been at the pool the last 2 days. The sun is shining bright and it has been a little slice of heaven to sit poolside and journal.

I'm starting to appreciate MY body. As we grow up we are taught to compare ourselves to our peers and the women on television. I think it comes with age. The 20's seem silly to me somehow. Oh, they were rich and poignant at times, silly and incredibly fun at others and it was delightful at the time, but I find I am quite liking being 31.

As my 20's started to end and the age of 30 approached I felt I was about to start sliding down some inevitable slide to the end. That's it. I would be old. It's amazing how the perception of old changes once you get to 30. Suddenly 50 seems young. As a single, never been married, having no biological children woman there is a stigma attached that screams silently "old maid!" I remember going to numerous weddings and baby showers and getting pressured from family and friends to get married and settle down. I realized yesterday how grateful I am that I am not married and that I don't have my own children at this point. I've been able to live on my own whim... at least until I got sick. I "have" children even though they do not belong to me, and I have enjoyed adventures such as going on a missions trip to another country and had the absolute freedom to pour myself into friendships and serving God. Not that I could not do so if I had been wed but I have never been so aware of how necessary it was for me to be single in my 20's. It allowed me to figure out who I am without a partner. It forced me to rely on God instead of a husband, and I had a blast. I had sensational times with incredible people. I am so thankful for that time in my life....
and yet at 31 years old I feel equal parts young and old. I feel caught in-between now and the future- not sure what is to come and actually relishing that I have no idea. There are a couple of options and I am not sure where God is bringing me. It seems that something happens after 30. This gentle acceptance of who one is... enabling me to sit in a bathing suit, comfortable at last in my own skin.
Sure there are people deemed to have "perfect" bodies, but there are so many others with curves and lumps and cellulite and it's liberating to finally embrace MY body. Ever since I became conscious of my body I have resisted it. I was teased as a child for developing early and in high school I finally began to feel comfortable with my shape. And then in 2009 someone who had been a friend for years said something that was very rude and I chose to partner with it. I started to see myself the way this person saw me. I felt that old familiar shame rise up and settle on me happily. And friends, I have been walking in that ever since NOW.
I am keenly aware of how watching Jem as a 5 year old, reading Sweet Valley High from 3rd grade to my early 20's,and feasting innocent eyes on YM, Sassy, Seventeen, and Cosmo magazines as a young girl directly influenced my self image. Society would have young women believe that they are not good enough unless they look like the women on television. I am not immune to this and have felt the pressure to look like them. Unfortunately the style these days is for a woman to look like a 12 year old boy. I don't think that's very healthy and in speaking with men and women have discovered that most people actually do prefer curves. Obviously we have the responsibility to take care of our earthly bodies eating healthy foods and exercising- especially with chronic conditions, but back in the day a woman who had bigger hips was considered more attractive for child bearing.
Times have changed and if you are a woman in this day and age the expectation is that you are super tiny, with barely any hips or shape or breasts. I think that is ridiculous. Whatever body shape YOU have is a blessing. To have a healthy body is the biggest gift of all. Being so sick all of the time makes me appreciate the lovely gifts in life and it makes me love my body and what God has blessed me with all the more.
So if someone is down on you about your weight, your height, your size I would suggest you tell them to stuff it. Enjoy your body- all of it. God made you beautiful and I hope it won't take you until you are in your 30's to realize it like it did for me.

Embrace your curves lovelies!

I had not worn a bathing suit without a cover up since I was about 10 years old (except for high school swimming in P.E.). That's what shame does. It was unnecessary for me to sit on the sidelines while I was a teenager or in my 20's because I was too embarrassed to show my skin. Part of it is modesty. I do believe in being modest. But mainly, to be really real here, it was because I grew up thinking that to have a figure was a bad thing. I was teased in junior high for being developed and although that went away for me in high school it came back with a vengeance when I allowed ONE person to soil my spirit. That was MY choice and I chose to believe it and walk in it for the last 2 or 3 years. It makes it easier when everyone around you is also buying into the lie that society sells.

On another note the fibromyalgia is still present but with the recent sunshine comes the relief all over my body. The cold really does a number on our (those of us with this condition)joints and muscles and everything really. I've went swimming (laps and when I get tired I have been jogging across the lap pool)the last 2 days and it has vastly improved my mood. One thing I am truly struggling with right now is my diet. I am supposed to be 100% off the sugar but the trouble is once I have a sliver the candida I am working so hard to kill off with medication kind of takes over and demands more. I am insanely desirous for sugar right now and that is THE worst for fibro. It's straight poison. I have not fared well on being gluten free since that first month, but I am steadily losing the extra lbs fibro put on me.

I realize over the last year and a half that I have had numerous ailments- some that came and went and others that are here for the long haul, and I want to write it out for you now with a list of my current medications. I hope this helps anyone dealing with any of these issues:

Current chronic medical issues:

right bundle branch block (heart)
cherry agioma (face)
hip bursitis/lumbago (left hip and back)
mild psoriasis (knees)- the sunshine and light therapy work wonders!
dyshidrotic ezema- Aquaphor every 5 minutes has saved my fingers!
acid reflux
mitral valve prolapse (heart)
MTHFR mutation
thyroid issues
HHV-6 virus
fibromyalgia
anxiety attacks
epstein barr virus
IBS
osteoarthritis/tendonitis (left ankle)

Current OTC/Supplements:

Saccromyces
Charcoal Caps
Folapro
Vit. D 1000 (to reach 15,000 per dose)
Vit. C 1000
Magnesium Malate
Aquaphor
Lauricidin
Interfase
Bentonite
Milk Thistle (gall bladder)

Prescription Medications:

Nystatin
Nitroglycerine
Omeprazole
Triamcinolone
Orthotricyclen
Alprazolam
Liothyronine
Questran
Ursodiol
Zaditor

Hope you all have a splendid weekend. ;)

Yesterday was my 4th visit to the fibromyalgia clinic. I am just going to write in list format what was discussed.

-Since the Questran detox works well for me I can use that whenever I need to in addition to my daily medication.

-The surviving mold results which showed I failed bodes more labs needed. I have to call on Monday and see if my county health insurance will cover blood tests through Lab Corp. These blood tests will give the doctor a better understanding of how yeast, mold, and fungus affect my body. Basically mold affects the neurotoxins in my body so after getting the results he will know whether this is a large contributor to deal with or not a big deal at all.

-I am currently at 10,000 for Vitamin D and since my lab results are still a bit low, I am to increase by a 1,000 every week to eventually reach 15,000. The purpose of increased Vitamin D is more energy, weight loss, and immune strength. The Vitamin D is helping to kill off whatever is in my intestines and stomach as far as yeast.

-I have another virus called Epstein-Barr Virus which produces Infectious Mononucleosis. It is another virus that I must have caught at some time in my life that went dormant. Right now it is reactivated, but not a cause for alarm. It would be flashing a yellow warning light at this point vs. a red light. Antibodies raise with reactivation which is another way to say that it compromises my already weak immune system.

*"An antibody is a protein produced by the body's immune system when it detects harmful substances, called antigens. Examples of antigens include microorganisms (such as bacteria, fungi, parasites, and viruses) and chemicals.

Antibodies are also produced when the immune system mistakenly considers healthy tissue a harmful substance.""

-Everyone has Natural Killer Cells- which is our main line of defense once sickness or bacteria, etc. get into our system. In normal adults they function with about 70-90%, fibromyalgia patients usually function between 10-20%. I am at 12%.

-The HHV-6 virus is reactivated in my body right now which means my immune system is not doing it's "jobs." Apparently test wise 1/100 is when it starts to become an issue. I am at 1/160 which meas it's really not good at all. There is no cure for this (except the healing mercy of God!) but I asked if there is a possibility the virus could go dormant again if my immune system strengthens with time. It's a possibility!

-I was reminded again that sugar is to be avoided completely. Which means even all fruits must be avoided at least for the next 4 months as it is high in fructose. Fructose grows yeast and yeast is a major contributor to fibromyalgia, and can add up to 15lbs. on a person's body! I have been struggling with sugar this last month and was told explicitly "You've got to learn that sugar is your enemy." So no more almond milk or "bites" of whatever. This is serious business and as I take a million pills to kill the yeast I cannot keep feeding it. One bit of sugar makes the craving so sharp as the yeast takes over.

-Just as when we wake up in the morning and have that film of bacteria coating our teeth before we brush our teeth, yeast and bacteria create a biofilm that does not allow antibodies to work and filter out the things it needs to get rid of. I have a new supplement called Interfase which I will take 1 pill 2x a day, working up to 3 pills 2x a day.

-I was prescribed a medication for my liver to keep stuff moving out right now that is not clearing out. I am to take it 2x a day with meals.

-I forgot to buy this yesterday because I was astonished at the total of the supplements I needed plus the 2 new ones which totaled at about $133, but I need to start a new probiotic (vs. the Acidophilus I currently use) to help realign my gut as all the yeast and everything is being killed.

-We spoke more about using Saccromyces (OTC supplement I've been using) and Nystatin (prescription medication) which are more medications to re-balance my GI tract. I learned not to take them together but rather a couple of hours apart. Oops!

-Since I am doing so well on the thyroid meds the doctor said I can increase from 4 pills to 7 a day! Every 5 days I will increase by 1 pill until I reach 7 pills. 4 AM ones and 3 PM ones. This is what is making me lose weight and it is giving me energy. As I take more I may have more energy!

-I was also put on another supplement to help my immune system fight off infections. Apparently breast milk is full of an antibody that helps a baby fight off antibodies until they produce their own. This supplement is made from coconut oil and has that same antibody found in breast milk. They come in pellet (which makes me think of bunnies!)form and so I start with 5-10 pellets 1x a day, then in a few days 2x a day, and eventually 3x a day.

All in all the doctor said I am responding well to treatment and that he is really encouraged by my progress as a lot of his patients take months to respond. My blood pressure is down which is great since I was skyrocketing there for a long while and headed down my genetic road to high blood pressure. He wants to see me again in 6 weeks to go over blood test results regarding the mold (depending on results there is a specific protocol and treatment plan). This may be right before "the big change" fast approaching. ;)

I am trying to get as much information and as much done here as possible. Even though I spoke to someone from the clinic in NC I want to make sure I am covering my bases completely here while it is accessible to me. I am sure there will be a lapse in medical coverage as it will take time to apply and whatnot, so all medications and blood tests are best obtained now.

I canceled the pap exam scheduled a few days ago. I will reschedule it next week. I just didn't want to deal with 3 appointments in one week.

Speaking of- I saw the eye doctor for the eye infection follow-up. He was able to confirm this time that the infection was viral (he saw the bumps on the cornea) so he is having me wean off of the steroid drops and he also prescribed some allergy drops for regular use.

Next week I am finally getting the crown (after the root canal last month) on my tooth so that's fun!

I also have the upcoming medi-cal appointment. I figure I may as well go. It may help me in some fashion at a later date.

Been praying on and really thinking about the power of words.

Life or death.


Mylie is beautiful. Extremely. I noticed she no longer shows her teeth in photographs and when I asked her why she sadly told me "because I thought I look like a scary monster with my teeth." Oh heavens! A wave of enormous guilt swept over me. You see, ever since Mylie first started getting her precious baby teeth I would hold her gums up and say "monster face!" It was our little game and until recently she only thought of it as affectionate and funny. But now, at 4 years old, she is able to comprehend those words and what was a joke became truth to her little ears! I apologized straight away and asked if she would forgive me. I told her she is absolutely beautiful and that I would never, ever lie to her. That I will always tell her the truth and that I think she is absolutely wonderfully made. I implored her to smile with her teeth showing and she would not. Finally she cracked a slight toothy grin, but the sting of what I spoke out over her sticks with me.

I will never, ever do that again. See, I like sarcasm. I think jokes are funny, but I forgot truly the immense power of what we say. Even saying I have diseases. Or someone I know saying that their teeth are falling apart. Or all the bazillion ways we put ourselves down or become negative in our speech. Our words carry so much weight and power!

Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.


Proverbs 12:18

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.


Matthew 15:18

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Matthew 12:36

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,

Proverbs 16:24

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Colossians 3:8

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

Proverbs 13:3

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

James 1:26

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.


Proverbs 21:23

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

Proverbs 15:4

A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Proverbs 29:20

Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.


James 3:1-12

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! ...

Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 17:27

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.


Proverbs 17:28

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.


Proverbs 17:9

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.




Proverbs 27:2

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.


Proverbs 10:19

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.


Luke 6:45

The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Proverbs 25:11

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

Proverbs 15:2

The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.



Proverbs 16:23-24

The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Proverbs 18:13

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.


Proverbs 6:2

If you are snared in the words of your mouth, caught in the words of your mouth,


I don't ever want to speak into someone's life unkind or untruths. Oh Lord, please set a guard upon my lips and tongue and let me only speak what is pleasing to you. Please take away my delight at any wickedness- be it crudeness or sarcasm or even silly jokes like "monster face." Let me remember how much my words weigh and let me be uplifting and encouraging to those you set in my path. Please forgive me for being overly critical, negative, and shortsighted in recent days. Let me declare LIFE over people, places, and things in my sphere of influence. Thank you Abba!

I'm faring well after last week's triple hit sickness. Looking forward to seeing my favorite teens tomorrow and watching Super 8.

Also reading a delightful young adult book (is it just me or have adult novels really lost a lot of creativity???) called A Kiss in Time. It's a modern day Sleeping Beauty, and I love me some Sleeping Beauty!

Mylie continues to amaze me. She has started to bring her rolly backpack and purse everywhere just like I do. She loves to run under my hair while I am blow drying it, and she is the epitome of a girly girl. She will only wear dresses or her ballet outfits. That kid loves to dance and she moves just like a fairy. Natural talent!

On a side note I am realizing more and more how taking care of myself is a full time job. For instance, I take pills all day. I have to set my alarm to remind me when to take them because sometimes I do forget. I start at 8am and don't stop every few hours until I go to bed at night. I have to space the thyroid meds from the other meds, the saccromyces 2 hours away from the nystatin which I take 3 times a day, and a whole bunch of other instructions and whatnot. It's very detailed and my life has to be very focused on when and what time I eat in correlation to these medications. It's crazy!

Yesterday Mylie and I went on the bay trail for a walk. This time it wasn't as peppy as when we went a few months ago. She kept asking "are we there yet?" It was during the way home when I she asked yet again and I felt a flash of frustration. That was when God said to me that I am always asking in some form or another "are we there yet?" to Him. He was fond when He chided me gently to simply enjoy the journey and to not focus so much on getting somewhere.

Wow.

I love how much He loves us.

Last night I woke up with 2 Charley Horses in both legs at the same time. I was half asleep as I desperately rubbed white flower on the legs and walked around in a circle until the pain subsided.

Mylie has been extra attached. I think she feels the changes about to come. I can't go into more detail right now but God is working some things out. I'm excited and scared and sad and happy all at the same time.

More soon!

<3

My eyes still felt horrid and oozing, but today I woke up and the right eye is almost entirely healed! The left one is sticky and pink but coming along. Still feeling run down and sick with sinus issues. Actually last night as I fell asleep I started coughing something fierce. It happened a few times and went away. During sleep I would wake up at certain points feeling suffocated and couldn't move. That used to happen years ago but this time I felt like I was almost choking on my own breath. It was pretty scary.

I had a lovely weekend despite being sick. I think getting out of my normal routine was necessary.

Some highs of this week:

-My fibro cyber family
-Ginger Ale
-Aquaphor- no joke. I use this for dyshidrotic eczema and while all eye drops failed to heal my swollen eyes on a whim I put some Aquaphor on the swollen lids and today I feel better!!!!! Still itchy and draining but they are healing. I swear this stuff is magical.
-Reading blogs.
-My love for bringing me a stack of dvds from the library.
-A weekend out of my normal environment so I can recoop and have a STAYCATION!
-Photos sent to me via cell phone of my precious niece and nephews.
-Streaming online sermons.
-Good news for my dear friend Melinda. :)
-Chunky chicken noodle soup.
-EBT

FORTITUDE

perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness.


Sweet Lorraine, I am in agony! My eyes are both infected or have a virus or whatever it is that the doctor can't even explain. The drops are doing nothing to remove the red, itchy, oozing. I am also having flu symptoms and last night sinus drainage, headache, and all decided to come to the party uninvited. My head is on fire, eyes watering and stabbing, and making it impossible to read, type, watch a movie, anything. I am reminded again of Job and all he endured as satan sifted him.

Lord, what can I be doing right now to bring about YOUR glory while I am suffering?

I have asked this over and over and over as each ailment came and went, and now as this triple dose eye, sinus, flu thing has gripped me in it's huge fists I ask again.... Lord, what would you have me do?

How can I not be a complainer and instead find someway to see this as a positive thing? I have made notice of my speech lately... whether in response to someone at the grocery sore asking how I am doing... or with those closest to me. I have become lethargic and apathetic... or downright negative in my response. Where is the ability to push through, look UP, and not focus on the temporary that I clung to like a child all these months?

Have I lost it?

I say no. The Holy Spirit dwells in me and therefore I have access 24;7 to a God who knows my every moment and who most definitely feels my absolute pain. I have asked Him while weeping if He has forgotten me, knowing already that He hasn't. Surely, surely I must be heading to some kind of even ground. Definitely He hears my every prayer- might it be with words or with mere groans of anguish.

I tell myself that at least I have clothing, shelter, food in my belly. I am not a victim. I am a fighter. I am one of God's precious children. It's hard to think positively when I feel so broken again. So I will turn again to familiar scriptures.

Knowing Jesus, being in constant prayer- not religious, orchestrated, and tedious but natural, conversation throughout my day with my Savior- is THE only way I have made it this far. I would have given up long ago if I did not know 100% that I love and know a God who is more then able to carry me through this ordeal. And by ordeal I mean ALL of it. Every last hurting drop. I close my swollen eyes and envision a man about my age who sweat blood and shed tears for a fallen planet that He would die atoning for. I think of my Jesus striped bare and bloody by the hands of people who would kill Him. I think of His sacrifice and His love for all of humanity. That He is selfless even to this day, that He is alive in us.... and I realize I CAN do this. I will do this. I am equipped with ONE who is so much stronger then I. Impossible? NO.


For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.
2 Cor. 4:17

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
2 Cor. 4:10

The LORD will keep you free from every disease. He will not inflict on you the horrible diseases you knew in Egypt, but he will inflict them on all who hate you.
Deut. 7:15

This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:

“He took up our infirmities
and bore our diseases."
Matthew 8:17


I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done.
Psalm 118:17



Exodus 15:26
He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."

Exodus 23:25
Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you.

Psalm 103:3
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.

Psalm 107:20
He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 53:4-5
Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.



Jeremiah 30:17
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, `because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.'

Matthew 8:2-3
A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.

Matthew 21:21
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, `Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.

Mark 11:23-24
"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, `Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Mark 16:17-18
And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.


Ephesians 6:10-17
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Philippians 2:13
...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

II Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.


I Peter 2:24
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.


As I move through this continuing trial I am amazed at how much I am learning and how much I am re-learning! It's a bear of a time, but I believe in the sweetness of leaving this earthly tent and going home to Jesus someday. I live my life to honor Him and although my ego or my flesh may interrupt and get in the way I must always bring it back before the cross and surrender. I am imperfect and human but I am also a princess warrior and I am never letting go of my identity in Christ.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139

One of my very favorite quotes is something I am also reflecting on as I ponder beauty and what beauty is in the Lord:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Nelson Mandela, 1994

1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.


1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Psalm 45:11
Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.

THAT means that NO matter what- how we look, act, dress... whether we are sick with bulgy eyes or Cancer or whatever WE are made in His image and are pleasing in His sight! What a glorious wonder that is! WE are His creation to be delighted in! Oh, doesn't that just make your heart dance?!

1 Peter 3:3-4
3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”

“Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.”

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”


“It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before.”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”

“Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude, and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful.”

I no longer belong in the real world.

The normal world.

I tried in vain at the beginning of all of this to keep up. I went to the cheer performances, church every single weekend, and the various functions hosted by friends and family. When an old family friend passed away last May I hoisted myself right into the fray and helped out. I was still adrift in confusion. Not quite sure what was happening to my body, why I was just never getting better, and many more months would pass until that came to light.

As my illness progressed it got increasingly difficult to tolerate noise, crowds, stress, everything really. I was judged constantly by people who refused to take me seriously. People I trusted who took to bad mouthing me behind my back... taking it upon themselves to determine that I was not actually sick, but making excuses to not hang out. Who does that? What childish behavior makes someone do that? I still don't know the answer to that question. As life grew harder to tolerate I withdrew. I stopped going to events and battled an INSANE amount of guilt as friends and family took it personally when I could not make it to their functions or even chat on the phone.

And now I feel myself sliding into something acquiescence to what feels like defeat. I have stopped agreeing to plans, and have decided instead to "play it by ear" with those who I sincerely miss and ache to spend time with again. I know deep down that I will more then likely not make any plans, because it has simply become impossible to have relationships aside from those I see or text with on a regular basis. The more I am taken over by my ailments, the less I have to give away.

It sounds selfish and it is. Maybe for the first time I am coming into acceptance of everything I have lost and what my life is transforming into. My life consists solely of making it through every single day. Oh, I can post some positive statuses on facebook and even smile for a photo or two, but inside I am struggling minute to minute to make it through.

I am on a bunch of medications which are entirely strict by way of when I take them. I go to Safeway and find my teeth chattering because it's so cold, and all of the "white noise" in the outside world- tires on pavement, distant sounds of trains and planes, the roar of a motorcycle, people chatting... it has become impossible.

Am I the same girl who once bungee jumped? Who loved spontaneous adventures? Am I the same woman who stepped onto foreign soil much to the chagrin of family who worried I would be kidnapped or killed because of my white skin?

The answer is yes... and no.

As all the days turned into months and then into over a year I would wake up each morning honestly thinking I would magically be better. Maybe I wasn't sick. Maybe I could shake it off. Maybe I didn't really have fibromyalgia. And while I still hold firm to the fact that I could be spontaneously healed, I have also hit the fork in the road that has me facing the stark reality that this is not going away.

This is my life.

I cannot run away from it or ignore it's severity or keep up the act of maintaining a regular life. My priority is to heal. To accept what has become of my body, my mind, my spirit.

It often times feels like drowning. I've been treading water for a good long while now and I think it's about time I step out of the pool and bench myself.

This is a humiliating, debilitating sickness. It robs me of my pride and dignity and leaves me floundering in the aftermath of it's daily destruction. I am instantly defensive when those who have not experienced it's death grip try to give me advice or steer me a certain way.

I have attempted to stay positive, encouraging and determined in my pursuit of better health but I have finally reached the breaking point of admitting to myself that I am not okay.

I recently went through a time of extreme insecurity. I was questioning my attractiveness, my whole entire self brought into the light and criticized and assessed by my own 2 critical eyes. I started to become consumed with the self- and did not realize it until God showed me that I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was not arrogant in my seeking, but I did tear myself down internally all day, everyday.

Finally He gave me some perspective. That it's not about who I was, and not even necessarily on who I will become, but on WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. Faults and all. Admitting to my near and dear that I am not okay. That it's the being terribly sick all day, everyday but also it's the emotional turmoil that comes along with that. I can't handle "regular" life and I have to be okay with that.

I completely believe that God is taking this sickness and using it in ways I cannot even fathom. The enemy would have me kneel and bow to what plagues me but I will not surrender. The amazing thing is that now I feel like I can be honest with myself about who I am today. There is no false bravado to make it through a conversation or handle a birthday party. There is only the naked truth that I am different. I am set apart.

I spent endless amounts of time berating myself, feeling so utterly guilty for not being a good friend, lost in this sea of doubt and disillusionment... but now I can say I have limitations that are entirely real. It's uncomfortable and I can no longer relate to my family and friends.

I am sick.

I have a viral condition that leaves me with no immune system defense that is never going to go away.

I have fibromyalgia.

I have a whole list of other ailments including a heart condition, a thyroid condition, etc.

I have spent so much time trying to "keep up." To beat something that I don't have the business of beating. I have compared myself to others. I have felt like if I did not keep trying, keep striving, keep trying to participate in the "normal" world that I would fade into oblivion. The truth is without facebook and blogs I would not know what is going on in my "friends" lives. I don't have energy to chew the fat with old friends, or to pretend that I am invested in the same things as them anymore.

I am in survival mode. And it's great that other people with these ailments are out there living life... I'm not there. I'm taking it one day at a time. One simple thing at a time. Now that I have stopped pretending with myself I can really let go and figure out who I am now.

My goals and priorities have changed. My lifestyle has become that of a hermit. I have social anxiety because although I am told everything comes out normal my brain is all scrambled and I find myself fumbling when in conversation. I still have one family member who no matter what refuses to grasp that I am severely ill. Each time I see this person they are aghast as to why I don't feel well. Being with them is stressful.

I am discovering that there is beauty in who I am now, even with the pain and hurts. God doesn't waste my tears and He most certainly will not waste my pain. Right now I have some type of flu bug with a majorly swollen, leaking eye. It is burning and throbbing and I feel like clawing it out. This is day 5 of it. The eye doctor said it may be viral or may be some kind of allergy. Today I woke up and the other eye is now swollen. I could barely move last night due to the severity of pain. Fibromyalgia is flaring along with these new ailments. That's one of the most annoying things. Having to explain over and over and over that I have no immune system to fight off these infections. What is so hard to grasp???

I am being honest and raw and real with myself and with you dear reader. For so long I felt that if I did not continue to be Miss Peppy Patty that I would be failing. People seem to enjoy the fake... the cheery status updates, the la la la world of make-believe. I'm not a sugar coater and to go against myself and try to be ALWAYS optimistic is unrealistic.

I'm not okay. I'm sad and mad and grieving and that's where I need to be today.

I am reflecting on WHO I am in Christ. What does Papa want to teach me through this? What comes next?

I guess only time will tell.

I have debated deleting my facebook because it serves only to remind me of the world I am no longer a part of. Everyone puts their best self forward and it's not real all of the time. I don't know if I can hang with that.

So here is where I am today...

I am a little scared.

I am a lot anxious.

I am angry.

And I am rest assured that me and Jesus will figure things out together.

I don't need to go to parties to be valued.

I don't need to have 800 friends on facebook.

I don't need to act like I have it all together.

For those of you who ask me to get together, please understand I am not going to feel like getting together. I wake up everyday and it's a gamble of how I will feel. If you want to visit can it be with the understanding that I am not well? I have joked and said I want to live in a home for fibromyalgia patients, but the truth is I am being serious. If they had a home I would move there because life really is that hard.

If you can come and sit with me, pray with me, just be with me... without needing anything back from me right now... then maybe we have a chance at being friends.

This is me being honest: I have nothing to give away right now.

<3 I also got a letter in the mail yesterday saying I need a follow up pap for an abnormal one months ago. I am slightly worried as I have a cervical cancer growth past and the doctors never did find out what was causing the cervical bleeding months ago. The last pap I had via the Family Clinic back in February was normal so maybe it's a glitch. In either case I will be going in next week for an exam. I also have another eye appointment, the fibro clinic appointment, another light therapy appointment at the dermatologist, and a medi cal evaluation appointment. I do feel frustrated because I was getting ailment after ailment for months but for the last 3 or 4 months I have been pretty steady. When it rains it pours, right?! Also been doing some major reflection about my past relationships with men and with friends. It's pretty unpleasant to drudge up memories but it's necessary. One thing I have come to the conclusion about for all of us is: CARRY YOUR WORTH. BEHAVE LIKE THE PRINCE OR PRINCESS YOU ARE. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THEN A BOOTY CALL OR HALF A RELATIONSHIP. Let go of shattered dreams or broken promises and find wholeness and joy in who God made you to be. Radiate in your beauty and relish in your character.