Dear Nausea,
I implore you to leave me alone. Your grip is much too tight. I thought you had decided to leave me awhile back when treatment started, yet here you are again preening as I yield to you. It's been days now and you have settled over my body once more.
If you could please bugger off I would so greatly appreciate it.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Just finished an inspirational movie called Soul Surfer. It is a true story about Bethany Hamilton who lost her arm in a shark attack while surfing with friends.
All I can say is wow.
I am full of tears. God used her life in an amazing way.
Seriously.
Her tenacity.
Her courage.
Her dignity.
She got back out in the surf and lived despite her tragedy.
I love that the movie quotes scripture and that the lead went on a missions trip to Thailand.
Still processing.
All I can say is wow.
I am full of tears. God used her life in an amazing way.
Seriously.
Her tenacity.
Her courage.
Her dignity.
She got back out in the surf and lived despite her tragedy.
I love that the movie quotes scripture and that the lead went on a missions trip to Thailand.
Still processing.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I woke up today feeling that familiar slammed by a bus feeling.
FLARE.
The one that I always think I have evaded when I have a series of "almost like before days."
I have been organizing and going through my 100+ albums ever since last Monday. At first I felt this manic pressure to finish that massive project in one day. It felt so dang good to be DOING something again, let alone something I love such as organizing. Call me weird, but I have always adored getting things in order. Not much for cleaning, but I am in my element when I get to organize.
Since the strength comes in tiny waves I take what I can get. Imagine my surprise when I worked for hours every day this week, amongst the normal appointments, taking care of Mylie, and the other daily to-do's, and did not feel the "repercussion" as I normally do. Last night I sat up, unable to sleep... after sobbing to God and writing furiously in my journal about the tangle of emotions I feel at moving and having to go without Mylie, I ended up watching movies online and smirking to myself. I thought I had gotten rid of fibromyalgia.
Yes, that's me. I must confess that each time there is a tiny reprieve in fibro symptoms, I think maybe it's gone. Logically I understand that is not true, but I so want to believe it. I very much want to think I went to bed and it went away just as quickly as it came on and stole my life.
I had wild dreams all night. God speaks to me especially through dreams. I don't know specifics all of the time, but I have known about friends and family members' pregnancies, etc. before they've announced it, and other things like that. A lot of times over the last year I have had dreams riddled with anxiety. Situations where I am left behind, or someone is after me... blah, blah. You get the gist. It's pretty obvious where those dreams come from.
I usually have a series of dreams. Not just one, delicious dream but several over the course of sleep. Last night I was dreaming I was in a school. The hallway was lined with lockers and I was going on some kind of field trip. My friend Mandy was walking with me, but she was holding back a few steps. I don't know where we were all going, but I was forcing myself to "be fine." I could feel the pain come over... that sensation of knife to bone from the feet to my head. I ignored it and continued walking. I was clenching a dixie cup in one hand and weird animal sounds began to sneak out as tears dripped down my face. It hurt so very bad, just like in real life. A teacher was called over and immediately I was called out and sat in an office. Aaron was also called out of line and he came into the office where I lay like a wounded animal.
Then I woke up to a flare.
My mind is a melting pot these days. I waver between elation at moving on, and guilt for leaving behind the one person I adore most on the planet. 3 weeks feels like no time at all, and still I am ready. I know, wholly, that God is calling me to North Carolina. The verse He gave me last summer is what I cling to:
1 God's Message came to me: 2 "Son of man, you're living with a bunch of rebellious people. They have eyes but don't see a thing, they have ears but don't hear a thing. They're rebels all. 3 So, son of man, pack up your exile duffel bags. Leave in broad daylight with everyone watching and go off, as if into exile. Maybe then they'll understand what's going on, rebels though they are. 4 You'll take up your baggage while they watch, a bundle of the bare necessities of someone going into exile, and toward evening leave, just like a person going off into exile. 5 As they watch, dig through the wall of the house and carry your bundle through it. 6 In full sight of the people, put the bundle on your shoulder and walk out into the night. Cover your face so you won't have to look at what you'll never see again. I'm using you as a sign for the family of Israel."
Ezekiel 12:1-6
I knew then what God was asking me to do. I also knew it was not the right time. I was to pray on it and seek His wisdom. It was harder for me to wait on the Lord, then it would have been to leave at that time. There were still things He wanted to do in me and through me and to me. There have been so many instances of confirmation of the scripture above. I am amazed at how God has used this past year to prepare my heart and the hearts of those around me. There are no coincidences, and I fully believe that God has paved the way for this transition. Last night all I could do was sob and ask God to go ahead of me. For every stop on our drive cross country, every person I interact with... I ask that Jesus would be present. I don't want to do this without Him. NO way. On the chance that I am relying on my own wisdom, I begged God to show me that this is His plan and not my own. I don't want to go where He would not have me go.
My head is all over the place on this day. I am full of swelled emotion. I am liberated and castrated all at once. Is this a step forward or a step back?
Maybe a bit of both. Necessary either way. I am no longer able to hold a job. Maybe someday, but not now. No way. I can barely function on days like today. My brain is mush and my body settles into it's lethargic state with no sign of relenting. I no longer function normally in the outside world. I can fake it pretty well by now, but who wants to do that? North Carolina will be beneficial. It's slower paced and peaceful. Free from old responsibilities that tend to creep up on me even now, after almost 2 years of this new lifestyle. Most people don't know what to do with a sick person. We're the odd ones out now. Either they act normal and ignore the health issues, or they walk on eggshells like the sick person is no longer a real person. It's disheartening at best.
As I perused the photo albums I saw glimpses into my old life... all of the old lives really. I saw myself as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and a few of now. It made me realize that what I have experienced in life these 3 decades is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the span of the average life. My 20's have become lumped in with the teen years and childhood. Quaint, fond memories but no longer valid today. Liken that to how the years of our youth become hazy memories. Brown around the edges. Wonderful, deep, lovely memories preserved in our minds but no longer vivid. That is what my life before fibromyalgia has become. A memory.
I have no idea if this happens naturally as age advances. Will the 30's become like the 20's and so on? Probably. I am not certain most times if I feel so decrepit because I am 31 years old or because I am sick, or both. I have lost the energy or desire to keep up with the trends. I rely on the girls to inform me of pop culture and I no longer feel that insane pressure that housed on my back all throughout my 20's.... career, marriage, children... it has all become a misty dream. A life I once desired, but now seems so alien.
In a burst of anger and despair months ago I tore up my bucket list. It was a full list, and many things were crossed off, but there were still many dreams I had. It was at a low point of this illness that I relinquished it all. It was not for me anymore. I relented to a life full of appointments and feeling too sick to dalliance with the world outside.
Yesterday I felt a brimming excitement inside of my heart. I started to dream. It was one thought. One thing to put on a new, refined to my lifestyle now, bucket list. Only one thing, but it was enough. I burst into tears. Am I starting to hope again? Am I starting to believe I can have more then what I have settled for these last 2 years?
I may never again cart around 5 or 6 children at once. I may not bungee jump again, or ride roller coasters, or do zany things on a whim, but I am still here beneath all of the hurt and grief this illness has brought on. I am not gone. I have not disappeared. Realizing that yesterday was gratifying and lovely and so beautiful. HOPE. It came back.
I recently finished a tasty read: Water For Elephants, and last night was able to watch the film. I absolutely love this book. I love that the main character is now a man in his late nineties and he is looking back on the most significant time of his life. The time when he was most alive, most impassioned. It may sound foolish to my peers. 31 is not old at all. In fact we are still babies in comparison to those that have walked decades longer, but with illness you feel old. You feel weathered. You do feel like the elderly woman or man sitting in a wheelchair or laying in bed, while the world goes on around you. You hear news of weddings, pregnancies, promotions, travels... and it all seems like some grand book on a shelf. That's not life anymore for you. I look back and I am so amazed and grateful for every single season of my life thus far. The good, the bad, and the mundane. It all led me to now. It all aided my growth and compassion and has filled me to overflowing.
As I flipped through all of those long ago photos, I tried to place myself amongst them. I could see the grim face I wore all through junior high and high school when I refused to smile. I hated having my picture taken. I saw the easy smiles that came on as the years progressed and I found true joy in Christ and in my own body. The lifelong friends I have had, the sweet fellowship that blessed me abundantly throughout my 20's, my precious family adding and subtracting with the births and deaths, and of course the children. My little flock. I have said it several times before and I will say it again. I am all of who I ever was and yet still a mystery. I am the same girl and yet I am still discovering the parts of me that will only be revealed with time, experience, sacrifice.
Today marks 14 years to the day that I lost my precious child. I was not far along, maybe 8 or 9 weeks. We had no way to know whether it was a boy or a girl, but we named him Adrian. I never forget my child. I never forget the life that I carried. I have healed and I have let go of the image I clung to in my mind for years... the fantasy I used to draw upon of my child, but I will always remember. Losing a baby is not something one simply forgets. I know the due date and I know the death date. I always regret not having a ceremony for my child. I was so young, so naive. I just lay back on that hospital bed with my school bus socks, and let the doctor do his business. When he showed me the clumps of tissue that had been my baby I just looked at it in the little throw up basin. I should have kept it. Should have buried it. But now is not the time for regrets, it is a time to let go.
And that is what this move signifies to me. Letting go. Letting go of all of the me's I ever was in order to become who I am now, in Christ. Letting go of childhood Janet, Chick Fil A Janet, Christian Janet, Janet the nanny, workaholic Janet, Janet the planner, etc.
I am all of those me's and yet I long to be free of the chains of the past, the chains of the present, and the chains that I lock on to myself. God says:
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39
THAT is who I long to be. I remember at 29 standing in the Philippines, astounded that I was so far from all I had ever known. In love with this foreign place that felt more like home then the United States ever had. I remember at 22 standing in Georgia after eating cornbread and homemade soup marveling at the fact that I was on my own. I remember everything, and I am so fiercely in love with the God who brought me through it all and who never once left my side. Even on the most dismal of days I have been able to call upon the strength of my Lord. I have never once been abandoned by Him, never once been a fool to love Him and trust Him. Even when I cannot see the good, He creates good! Who else can do that?!
My life has been so rich and full. I have trivial concerns and I have major ones. I have fears and questions and doubts and sadness and pain, but I also have joy unmerited. I have a God who see's me, who knows all the business there is to know about me, and who still chooses me and adores me anyway. I am being equipped by THE equipper, prepared by THE preparer, and I am absolutely tickled by this.
Because of God I have a community of fibro sisters.
Because of God I have food in my belly and a place to lay my head at night.
Because of God I am able to withstand this trial.
Because of God I am made stronger in MY weakness.
Because of God I am whole.
Moving away is breathtakingly bittersweet. I am full of tears one minute, and excitement in the next. I wonder....
and I dream.
Currently reading: I Am Memory
Currently Watching: Soul Surfer
FLARE.
The one that I always think I have evaded when I have a series of "almost like before days."
I have been organizing and going through my 100+ albums ever since last Monday. At first I felt this manic pressure to finish that massive project in one day. It felt so dang good to be DOING something again, let alone something I love such as organizing. Call me weird, but I have always adored getting things in order. Not much for cleaning, but I am in my element when I get to organize.
Since the strength comes in tiny waves I take what I can get. Imagine my surprise when I worked for hours every day this week, amongst the normal appointments, taking care of Mylie, and the other daily to-do's, and did not feel the "repercussion" as I normally do. Last night I sat up, unable to sleep... after sobbing to God and writing furiously in my journal about the tangle of emotions I feel at moving and having to go without Mylie, I ended up watching movies online and smirking to myself. I thought I had gotten rid of fibromyalgia.
Yes, that's me. I must confess that each time there is a tiny reprieve in fibro symptoms, I think maybe it's gone. Logically I understand that is not true, but I so want to believe it. I very much want to think I went to bed and it went away just as quickly as it came on and stole my life.
I had wild dreams all night. God speaks to me especially through dreams. I don't know specifics all of the time, but I have known about friends and family members' pregnancies, etc. before they've announced it, and other things like that. A lot of times over the last year I have had dreams riddled with anxiety. Situations where I am left behind, or someone is after me... blah, blah. You get the gist. It's pretty obvious where those dreams come from.
I usually have a series of dreams. Not just one, delicious dream but several over the course of sleep. Last night I was dreaming I was in a school. The hallway was lined with lockers and I was going on some kind of field trip. My friend Mandy was walking with me, but she was holding back a few steps. I don't know where we were all going, but I was forcing myself to "be fine." I could feel the pain come over... that sensation of knife to bone from the feet to my head. I ignored it and continued walking. I was clenching a dixie cup in one hand and weird animal sounds began to sneak out as tears dripped down my face. It hurt so very bad, just like in real life. A teacher was called over and immediately I was called out and sat in an office. Aaron was also called out of line and he came into the office where I lay like a wounded animal.
Then I woke up to a flare.
My mind is a melting pot these days. I waver between elation at moving on, and guilt for leaving behind the one person I adore most on the planet. 3 weeks feels like no time at all, and still I am ready. I know, wholly, that God is calling me to North Carolina. The verse He gave me last summer is what I cling to:
1 God's Message came to me: 2 "Son of man, you're living with a bunch of rebellious people. They have eyes but don't see a thing, they have ears but don't hear a thing. They're rebels all. 3 So, son of man, pack up your exile duffel bags. Leave in broad daylight with everyone watching and go off, as if into exile. Maybe then they'll understand what's going on, rebels though they are. 4 You'll take up your baggage while they watch, a bundle of the bare necessities of someone going into exile, and toward evening leave, just like a person going off into exile. 5 As they watch, dig through the wall of the house and carry your bundle through it. 6 In full sight of the people, put the bundle on your shoulder and walk out into the night. Cover your face so you won't have to look at what you'll never see again. I'm using you as a sign for the family of Israel."
Ezekiel 12:1-6
I knew then what God was asking me to do. I also knew it was not the right time. I was to pray on it and seek His wisdom. It was harder for me to wait on the Lord, then it would have been to leave at that time. There were still things He wanted to do in me and through me and to me. There have been so many instances of confirmation of the scripture above. I am amazed at how God has used this past year to prepare my heart and the hearts of those around me. There are no coincidences, and I fully believe that God has paved the way for this transition. Last night all I could do was sob and ask God to go ahead of me. For every stop on our drive cross country, every person I interact with... I ask that Jesus would be present. I don't want to do this without Him. NO way. On the chance that I am relying on my own wisdom, I begged God to show me that this is His plan and not my own. I don't want to go where He would not have me go.
My head is all over the place on this day. I am full of swelled emotion. I am liberated and castrated all at once. Is this a step forward or a step back?
Maybe a bit of both. Necessary either way. I am no longer able to hold a job. Maybe someday, but not now. No way. I can barely function on days like today. My brain is mush and my body settles into it's lethargic state with no sign of relenting. I no longer function normally in the outside world. I can fake it pretty well by now, but who wants to do that? North Carolina will be beneficial. It's slower paced and peaceful. Free from old responsibilities that tend to creep up on me even now, after almost 2 years of this new lifestyle. Most people don't know what to do with a sick person. We're the odd ones out now. Either they act normal and ignore the health issues, or they walk on eggshells like the sick person is no longer a real person. It's disheartening at best.
As I perused the photo albums I saw glimpses into my old life... all of the old lives really. I saw myself as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and a few of now. It made me realize that what I have experienced in life these 3 decades is merely a drop in the bucket compared to the span of the average life. My 20's have become lumped in with the teen years and childhood. Quaint, fond memories but no longer valid today. Liken that to how the years of our youth become hazy memories. Brown around the edges. Wonderful, deep, lovely memories preserved in our minds but no longer vivid. That is what my life before fibromyalgia has become. A memory.
I have no idea if this happens naturally as age advances. Will the 30's become like the 20's and so on? Probably. I am not certain most times if I feel so decrepit because I am 31 years old or because I am sick, or both. I have lost the energy or desire to keep up with the trends. I rely on the girls to inform me of pop culture and I no longer feel that insane pressure that housed on my back all throughout my 20's.... career, marriage, children... it has all become a misty dream. A life I once desired, but now seems so alien.
In a burst of anger and despair months ago I tore up my bucket list. It was a full list, and many things were crossed off, but there were still many dreams I had. It was at a low point of this illness that I relinquished it all. It was not for me anymore. I relented to a life full of appointments and feeling too sick to dalliance with the world outside.
Yesterday I felt a brimming excitement inside of my heart. I started to dream. It was one thought. One thing to put on a new, refined to my lifestyle now, bucket list. Only one thing, but it was enough. I burst into tears. Am I starting to hope again? Am I starting to believe I can have more then what I have settled for these last 2 years?
I may never again cart around 5 or 6 children at once. I may not bungee jump again, or ride roller coasters, or do zany things on a whim, but I am still here beneath all of the hurt and grief this illness has brought on. I am not gone. I have not disappeared. Realizing that yesterday was gratifying and lovely and so beautiful. HOPE. It came back.
I recently finished a tasty read: Water For Elephants, and last night was able to watch the film. I absolutely love this book. I love that the main character is now a man in his late nineties and he is looking back on the most significant time of his life. The time when he was most alive, most impassioned. It may sound foolish to my peers. 31 is not old at all. In fact we are still babies in comparison to those that have walked decades longer, but with illness you feel old. You feel weathered. You do feel like the elderly woman or man sitting in a wheelchair or laying in bed, while the world goes on around you. You hear news of weddings, pregnancies, promotions, travels... and it all seems like some grand book on a shelf. That's not life anymore for you. I look back and I am so amazed and grateful for every single season of my life thus far. The good, the bad, and the mundane. It all led me to now. It all aided my growth and compassion and has filled me to overflowing.
As I flipped through all of those long ago photos, I tried to place myself amongst them. I could see the grim face I wore all through junior high and high school when I refused to smile. I hated having my picture taken. I saw the easy smiles that came on as the years progressed and I found true joy in Christ and in my own body. The lifelong friends I have had, the sweet fellowship that blessed me abundantly throughout my 20's, my precious family adding and subtracting with the births and deaths, and of course the children. My little flock. I have said it several times before and I will say it again. I am all of who I ever was and yet still a mystery. I am the same girl and yet I am still discovering the parts of me that will only be revealed with time, experience, sacrifice.
Today marks 14 years to the day that I lost my precious child. I was not far along, maybe 8 or 9 weeks. We had no way to know whether it was a boy or a girl, but we named him Adrian. I never forget my child. I never forget the life that I carried. I have healed and I have let go of the image I clung to in my mind for years... the fantasy I used to draw upon of my child, but I will always remember. Losing a baby is not something one simply forgets. I know the due date and I know the death date. I always regret not having a ceremony for my child. I was so young, so naive. I just lay back on that hospital bed with my school bus socks, and let the doctor do his business. When he showed me the clumps of tissue that had been my baby I just looked at it in the little throw up basin. I should have kept it. Should have buried it. But now is not the time for regrets, it is a time to let go.
And that is what this move signifies to me. Letting go. Letting go of all of the me's I ever was in order to become who I am now, in Christ. Letting go of childhood Janet, Chick Fil A Janet, Christian Janet, Janet the nanny, workaholic Janet, Janet the planner, etc.
I am all of those me's and yet I long to be free of the chains of the past, the chains of the present, and the chains that I lock on to myself. God says:
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 10:39
THAT is who I long to be. I remember at 29 standing in the Philippines, astounded that I was so far from all I had ever known. In love with this foreign place that felt more like home then the United States ever had. I remember at 22 standing in Georgia after eating cornbread and homemade soup marveling at the fact that I was on my own. I remember everything, and I am so fiercely in love with the God who brought me through it all and who never once left my side. Even on the most dismal of days I have been able to call upon the strength of my Lord. I have never once been abandoned by Him, never once been a fool to love Him and trust Him. Even when I cannot see the good, He creates good! Who else can do that?!
My life has been so rich and full. I have trivial concerns and I have major ones. I have fears and questions and doubts and sadness and pain, but I also have joy unmerited. I have a God who see's me, who knows all the business there is to know about me, and who still chooses me and adores me anyway. I am being equipped by THE equipper, prepared by THE preparer, and I am absolutely tickled by this.
Because of God I have a community of fibro sisters.
Because of God I have food in my belly and a place to lay my head at night.
Because of God I am able to withstand this trial.
Because of God I am made stronger in MY weakness.
Because of God I am whole.
Moving away is breathtakingly bittersweet. I am full of tears one minute, and excitement in the next. I wonder....
and I dream.
Currently reading: I Am Memory
Currently Watching: Soul Surfer
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I keep listening to this song. It streams from these speakers and balms this heart which is caught in a bittersweet wave. Something has been ending for a long time, and something new is beginning and I both love it and grieve it.
This isn't about a move.
This is about my whole life.... all of it... the whole slew of hurt and pain that started when I was 17. This July 24th marks the 14 year anniversary of when I lost my baby. I am healed from that. It doesn't hurt like it did for years, but losing a child is not something that one ever forgets. You don't "get over it," but you learn to live despite the loss and you keep going... keep living...
This past year and a half has been a series of just begging, begging, begging to make it through each day. Never sure of what pain or fatigue awaits me when I open these eyes every morning. I went to sleep one night strong, independent, happy and woke up as some kind of half-self with pain and a state of tired that I have never recovered from. If anything it is getting worse. This condition/disease/alien that has taken over my body.
If fibromylagia has any positive side to it, then for me it would be that having such a debilitating condition has left me all the more dependent on God and less dependent on people or circumstances. I have lost friend after friend as my limitations prevent me from making plans, keeping plans, and actually living amongst the craziness of the world. I feel sheltered. I feel like it has been so long since I have had a normal day, a day without repercussion, a day without the narcissism of my health problems getting in the way. I have become someone else without realizing it. Day by day by day has led to this moment, these tears slipping onto the keyboard are not about a move. No, they are the long overdue salt of sorrow.
I feel sorrow.
sor·row/ˈsärō/
Verb: Feel or display deep distress.
Noun: A feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.
I am mourning the end of one life and the beginning of another. I'm finally ready to accept it. To accept who I am, to love who I am NOW. I am ready to stop living in the past. To stop thinking of nannying as the definition of who I am. To stop thinking back on the Philippines, the Girl Scout trips, the life change retreat, leadership, Vision... ALL of it. I am letting it go.
In 2007 God asked me to burn my journals. The 80 something journals I had been keeping since I was 13 years old. I obliged. One night me and a few dear friends sat in a backyard and threw journal after journal into the flames. I felt free after that. Free from baggage. Free from the girl I had been. As God had whispered to my heart in prayer "I don't keep a record of your wrongs, so why do you?" I let it all go. I never looked back.
I feel that now. I have written this blog as a way to let those who cared enough to read it be educated about fibromyalgia. What I realize now is that no words will ever be able to accurately convey the stumble and darkness of getting any kind of health issue that transforms everything about one's way of living. I think back to the darkest months and wonder how on earth I made it through. I wanted to give up so many times. I cried more then I ever have in my life. I resisted the rest my body begged for. I tried to stay strong. I tried to stay the same.
Now I know that I never knew real strength until this time of my life. I never knew the demands that would be placed on me by my own vessel. I just kept waking up and getting through each day. Every tantrum, every fear, every guilty breakdown has led me to this moment. The children entrusted to me once upon a time are now growing up. There are 4 beautiful teenage girls standing in place of those silly young girls they once were. I see Jesus working in their lives. I see how He is using one of them to impact her family and how because of her love for Him, her Grandfather and brother are coming to church with us tonight. I see the other kids thriving. Hear of them doing well in school, taking swimming lessons, having piano recitals. I watch as Mylie becomes a compassionate, loving child and I weep.
I weep with joy because Lord, you amaze me. You dazzle me. I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet to have lived this life. To have been privy to the wonder of it all. To see, to hear, to entertain all of the senses as you've led these glorious children into the separate journeys they will walk on. I am so very lucky and I have no container to put all of this joy into.
I have lived. I write as if life is ending. As if I am 98 years old about to fall into the sweet slumber of death, and I realize that is because a part of me DOES feel that way. I have felt robbed. I have screamed and wailed and cried and asked why this had to happen to me at 29 years old..... and now at the still young age of 31, I understand that although I have lost out on so much due to this weak body, I have never once been robbed when it comes to feeling. To enjoying the sweetness of life. If anything I have learned to appreciate it that much more, because IT IS fleeting and the people we love may not always be with us. We may have to fall behind and that's okay. It's just fine. No one can take away what my life has been. For every tear I've cried, there have been that much more smiles and laughter. Through illness the "trash" of my life has been weeded out and I am still standing.
This move is what Georgia was supposed to be back at 22 years old. This is my new beginning. This is my next chapter.
I will miss my family here in California, my real friends- especially the ones I grew up with and the ones I have the most authentic fellowship with, and I will miss the "kids" most of all. I grieve the end just as much as I welcome the beginning, all the while having peace as an anchor. For the people and places I have loved will stay with me for all time... tucked neatly in my heart, and that is enough. In fact it is more then I could ever ask for.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I let go of all of the yesterdays... good, bad, in-between. Safe as memories. I am free to fly now.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Psalm 52
I have learned something this week. A person can say or do anything but if they are not sincere it will eventually come out. "A Zebra Can't Change its Stripes." I believe people can grow and change. I believe we all should be continually seeking to change and become more like Jesus. Bringing out our best self, our full potential but if one is unwilling to even self examine and take that step of realizing what needs to be changed, if one is content to play the victim in the soap opera they've created, then they are obviously not seeking to be transformed. How sad. :( This is my heart right now:
1 Why do you boast of evil, you mighty hero?
Why do you boast all day long,
you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?
2 You who practice deceit,
your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor.
3 You love evil rather than good,
falsehood rather than speaking the truth.[c]
4 You love every harmful word,
you deceitful tongue!
5 Surely God will bring you down to everlasting ruin:
He will snatch you up and pluck you from your tent;
he will uproot you from the land of the living.
6 The righteous will see and fear;
they will laugh at you, saying,
7 “Here now is the man
who did not make God his stronghold
but trusted in his great wealth
and grew strong by destroying others!”
8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.
9 For what you have done I will always praise you
in the presence of your faithful people.
And I will hope in your name,
for your name is good.
********************************************************************************
Ah, what sweet sweet words to my ears.
God is faithful and just.
I have much to be grateful for. Thank you to you prayer warriors who interceded for months for Mylie. Thank you Jesus for lovely friends and committed family members who are there for me even on my worst days. Thank you Lord for redemption, and for loving me despite the messy situations I get myself into. Thank you library for providing free books and dvds to indulge in. Thank you facebook for that handy delete button. Thank you that I don't really like having a cell phone and therefore am not caught up in the iphone/ipad madness. At the theater last night all around were people closing themselves off from ACTUAL people in the flesh so they could tune in to their own gadgets. What a disgrace. I really feel very strongly about how technology is abused. I miss the good old days of land lines and phone books. However I do enjoy the benefits of connecting with others who are going through health issues. :)
I'll play catch up later. I'm exhausted after the midnight showing of Harry Potter. It wasn't as horrid as an experience as I thought. I took a xanax when we left town, another midway as we sat in the crazy line and then a pain pill before the actual movie. I had some anxiety when everyone got up to go in. Started sweating and had palpitations. I got the referral for the cardiologist, called today, and have that appointment on the 1st of August. Averaging 2 appointments per week for the next few weeks.
1 Why do you boast of evil, you mighty hero?
Why do you boast all day long,
you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?
2 You who practice deceit,
your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor.
3 You love evil rather than good,
falsehood rather than speaking the truth.[c]
4 You love every harmful word,
you deceitful tongue!
5 Surely God will bring you down to everlasting ruin:
He will snatch you up and pluck you from your tent;
he will uproot you from the land of the living.
6 The righteous will see and fear;
they will laugh at you, saying,
7 “Here now is the man
who did not make God his stronghold
but trusted in his great wealth
and grew strong by destroying others!”
8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God’s unfailing love
for ever and ever.
9 For what you have done I will always praise you
in the presence of your faithful people.
And I will hope in your name,
for your name is good.
********************************************************************************
Ah, what sweet sweet words to my ears.
God is faithful and just.
I have much to be grateful for. Thank you to you prayer warriors who interceded for months for Mylie. Thank you Jesus for lovely friends and committed family members who are there for me even on my worst days. Thank you Lord for redemption, and for loving me despite the messy situations I get myself into. Thank you library for providing free books and dvds to indulge in. Thank you facebook for that handy delete button. Thank you that I don't really like having a cell phone and therefore am not caught up in the iphone/ipad madness. At the theater last night all around were people closing themselves off from ACTUAL people in the flesh so they could tune in to their own gadgets. What a disgrace. I really feel very strongly about how technology is abused. I miss the good old days of land lines and phone books. However I do enjoy the benefits of connecting with others who are going through health issues. :)
I'll play catch up later. I'm exhausted after the midnight showing of Harry Potter. It wasn't as horrid as an experience as I thought. I took a xanax when we left town, another midway as we sat in the crazy line and then a pain pill before the actual movie. I had some anxiety when everyone got up to go in. Started sweating and had palpitations. I got the referral for the cardiologist, called today, and have that appointment on the 1st of August. Averaging 2 appointments per week for the next few weeks.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The other day I went to the mall of all places. I really, truly am not a fan of the mall. But we went- my Auntie, Mylie and I. We rode the carousel, ate Wetzel's Pretzels, drank an Orange Julius, and I got 2 pretty dresses as a gift. I was beyond all exhaustion by the time I got home but it was a fun day.
This week I had light therapy at the dermatologist, and then yesterday I went to an appointment to get the heart palpitations and the ear infection checked out again. The doctor was really nice and he gave me more ear drops to use for another week. I go for a follow-up at the end of the month. He refilled my pain medication and is referring me to a Cardiologist just to rule out everything for the heart stuff.
Next week I am getting another root canal, Mylie's parents go to court to find out where she will live primarily once school begins, and the girls, Aaron, and I have tickets for the midnight showing of Harry Potter. Years ago I used to do midnight movies all the time and then decided I just couldn't handle waiting in line for hours and being out that late anymore. I am making an exception because this may be the last time I have the chance to do this with my girls.
It's been a blah couple of weeks. I think having this ear infection is making me really tired. More then usual tired. I am also not sleeping very well. I've been waking up every couple of hours again and having dreams in which I am anxious or rushed or unable to do what I need to do. A dear friend of mine pointed out it may be because of the court thing. I am hugely worried because I know Mylie will fall to pieces if she cannot be with her daddy. I have to trust God for her future. It makes it easier when she runs around praising God. :) The other day she was skipping around the lawn making up her own worship song "praise the Lord everyone...." and she is such a sweet, sensitive, loving child.
I've been having a ton of leg and feet pain. Around the same time every evening they start to feel swollen, the ankle with osteoarthritis starts to throb, and I am all too eager to end the day and collapse onto the bed.
Right now I a completely exhausted. I woke up a few times until around 4am when I could not go back to sleep. I took a melatonin around 7am and slept until around 1pm. Never happens anymore. I am on such a strict schedule medication wise that I wake up early everyday.
Anyway, I'm watching Beastly on dvd and it's not that engrossing. I am reading a book series that has me pretty captivated though.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy fourth of July!
Last night proved to just get worse. The palpitations eventually subsided but by that time I was feeling grumpy and as we ran a couple of errands I felt the heaviness of fatigue and pain spread all over my body. I have a lot of "good" days now so when it hits extremely hard like last night and today it tends to make me feel even more agitated. It's like going backwards, but last night I uncovered something crucial to my acceptance. I still feel on some level that I can control this thing.
Isn't that entirely laughable? ;)
Of course I can "control" certain aspects such as taking my medication every day diet, exercise when the body allows, and managing my stress, but to remember... or to truly discover for perhaps the first time that I can do all of the "right" things and still end up in a flare meltdown is pretty freeing. I was feeling guilty last night for the fact that it hurt when I was touched or that I couldn't snuggle proper because it felt like my bones were being crushed. I cannot control fibromyalgia... not entirely. I can do all of the correct things but I may still run into days like today... where I cannot fathom walking, standing, or doing anything...
and that's a great thing to realize.
Last night proved to just get worse. The palpitations eventually subsided but by that time I was feeling grumpy and as we ran a couple of errands I felt the heaviness of fatigue and pain spread all over my body. I have a lot of "good" days now so when it hits extremely hard like last night and today it tends to make me feel even more agitated. It's like going backwards, but last night I uncovered something crucial to my acceptance. I still feel on some level that I can control this thing.
Isn't that entirely laughable? ;)
Of course I can "control" certain aspects such as taking my medication every day diet, exercise when the body allows, and managing my stress, but to remember... or to truly discover for perhaps the first time that I can do all of the "right" things and still end up in a flare meltdown is pretty freeing. I was feeling guilty last night for the fact that it hurt when I was touched or that I couldn't snuggle proper because it felt like my bones were being crushed. I cannot control fibromyalgia... not entirely. I can do all of the correct things but I may still run into days like today... where I cannot fathom walking, standing, or doing anything...
and that's a great thing to realize.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
My immune system works at 12%.
This was discovered through a blood test called Natural Killers function. It's not a surprising thing as most fibro patients have compromised immune systems. In my case the HHV-6 and EBV pretty much make me just that much more compromised. I posted that information somewhere on this blog whenever I got the results but it's been weighing on me lately. Not in a bad way, but in a "well hey I really have to be careful way."
Having a 12% functioning immune system means I have to take extra care because my immune system is open to everything. Case in point not only do these teeth of mine ache so, but I also have an outer ear infection. I spent a little bit at the ER yesterday and got some ear drops, nausea medication and pain medication to go along with the antibiotics from the endodontic specialist. It's very uncomfortable and gives me a splendid headache but I would much rather deal with this then the double eye infection I had about a month ago. I've been having severe nausea- and that is my least favorite thing ever. It teases, coming in wave after wave in the gut and feigning as if it will finally come out in vomit, but it never does. It just stirs around and around and around. The heart palpitations still come and go. Sometimes it's every few minutes or sometimes it comes and then leaves for the rest of the day. Today it's an every few minutes thing. I never get it checked because I know I have mitral valve prolapse and I also get anxiety attacks... so I figure it's nothing.
It's a lazy Sunday and I am so appreciative that I have had the whole day as my own. No one is home and that means I got to be alone. Gloriously alone. :) I need solitude and it's very rare so I really cherish it when it comes.
Yesterday when Mylie got home her and Aaron were looking at the flowers and rocks he had picked for her and she said "I need to speak to Auntie Janet in private." He promptly left the room and she brought me into the closet where I pray with her (I don't know why we go in there) and as I sat on the floor she stood over me, looked me deep in the eyes, put her tiny hands on my shoulders and said "I want you to be strong if I have to live at mommy's." Whoosh. This sweet release came over me. This tiny being- 4 years old in human years suddenly seemed like a wise, aged person. All of the soft words I've been blessed enough to speak into her life was coming back full fold. I wanted to cry. I was so amazed. She marvels me all the time. So sweet and so unlike a lot of kids her age. How have I been so lucky to raise this wonderful person???? I asked her if someone had told her to say that. She pinky-ed me (our special thing) and her eyes were so loving and genuine. "I was just thinking about it and I don't want you to be sad." So I asked her if SHE will be happy wherever she may live and she said yes and we made our usual promises to skype all the time and be best friends. ♥ This is so dear to my heart and I am so emotional about it. It feels like more letting go and it's a good thing. I remembered many other moments when she has displayed such love and kindness to people... when I got my wisdom teeth out and woke up to her rubbing my back and singing "go to sleep my little rabbit" like I do to her.... or when Aaron was cleaning out the holes from the wisdom teeth extraction and Mylie stood next to me and said "Don't worry Auntie Janet I'm right here with you." Well now I am bleary eyed from tears. I'm feeling so sensitive and emotional. Will I really be letting go of this time? Why do I both love it and hate it? Why does it break my heart but also open it up all the way so I can feel love so pure. All these years of taking care of kids- and they have taught me so much more then I ever taught them... about love, sacrifice... so much.
* (end what I copied here)
I would never trade the years I was a "nanny." That title does not even give true justice to the role God allowed me to have for these past several yeas. Not just with Mylie, but even going back to when we had our babysitting ministry at church or the other families I was a nanny for before my beloved, cherished group from 2005-2009 that started it all. I have been so blessed, so lucky. I cannot fathom how it all happened. People didn't understand my choice to not work corporately anymore. They thought I was "just a babysitter." And that's okay by me. I had the privilege of raising the sweetest child up to this very day and if that ends tomorrow or in 2 weeks or in 5 it doesn't change what it has taught me. I was able to interact with those precious ones- Simonne, Haley, Georgie, Taylor, Maddison, April, Antonia, Jenna, Mylie... everyday basically. They will always be so very special to me and I feel that this is even more acceptance of my current state of life.
My immune system works at 12%.
That means that I DO have limitations.
That means that I am unable to work.
That means I am prone to catching anything the wind blows my way.
That means that my life is no longer to be lived skydiving (I always wanted to and now I wouldn't try it due to heart problems, etc.) or riding roller coasters.
I am finally coming to true terms with that and I am okay with it.
Truly.
I have lived.
I am the same girl who window shopped for my unborn baby at 17 during my lunch breaks at Chick Fil A...
the same girl who lost that baby...
who endured a miserable, abusive relationship...
who moved to Georgia at 22 years old because it was time to branch out...
only to move home again to be with the one person I have loved since I was 16 years old...
only to watch that relationship fall apart....
to be picked up by Jesus...
so He could break me, make me, and heal me so I would be whole in a way I never ever was until I met Him.
I am the same girl who loves to journal, to take 800 photos a day, to drive randomly to beaches and places, who adores children and who loves a good book...
I am that girl who bungee jumped, traveled to foreign soil, and loved adventure...
I am me at 15, at 17, at 25, and then here now at 31. I have been broken, shattered, twisted, and torn apart...
but I am still standing...
and I am still becoming.
I am all the me's I ever was, and still entirely different.
Sickness... it changes you. It leaves you bare and vulnerable to the huge, big world. It robs you of your dignity as you cry, yell, vomit, get every test done to every part of your body... even the places that no one should ever go... it leaves you defenseless...
until you decide to live despite what hand you've been dealt.
I have been stripped down.
I have limitations.
Yet I live.
<3
This was discovered through a blood test called Natural Killers function. It's not a surprising thing as most fibro patients have compromised immune systems. In my case the HHV-6 and EBV pretty much make me just that much more compromised. I posted that information somewhere on this blog whenever I got the results but it's been weighing on me lately. Not in a bad way, but in a "well hey I really have to be careful way."
Having a 12% functioning immune system means I have to take extra care because my immune system is open to everything. Case in point not only do these teeth of mine ache so, but I also have an outer ear infection. I spent a little bit at the ER yesterday and got some ear drops, nausea medication and pain medication to go along with the antibiotics from the endodontic specialist. It's very uncomfortable and gives me a splendid headache but I would much rather deal with this then the double eye infection I had about a month ago. I've been having severe nausea- and that is my least favorite thing ever. It teases, coming in wave after wave in the gut and feigning as if it will finally come out in vomit, but it never does. It just stirs around and around and around. The heart palpitations still come and go. Sometimes it's every few minutes or sometimes it comes and then leaves for the rest of the day. Today it's an every few minutes thing. I never get it checked because I know I have mitral valve prolapse and I also get anxiety attacks... so I figure it's nothing.
It's a lazy Sunday and I am so appreciative that I have had the whole day as my own. No one is home and that means I got to be alone. Gloriously alone. :) I need solitude and it's very rare so I really cherish it when it comes.
Yesterday when Mylie got home her and Aaron were looking at the flowers and rocks he had picked for her and she said "I need to speak to Auntie Janet in private." He promptly left the room and she brought me into the closet where I pray with her (I don't know why we go in there) and as I sat on the floor she stood over me, looked me deep in the eyes, put her tiny hands on my shoulders and said "I want you to be strong if I have to live at mommy's." Whoosh. This sweet release came over me. This tiny being- 4 years old in human years suddenly seemed like a wise, aged person. All of the soft words I've been blessed enough to speak into her life was coming back full fold. I wanted to cry. I was so amazed. She marvels me all the time. So sweet and so unlike a lot of kids her age. How have I been so lucky to raise this wonderful person???? I asked her if someone had told her to say that. She pinky-ed me (our special thing) and her eyes were so loving and genuine. "I was just thinking about it and I don't want you to be sad." So I asked her if SHE will be happy wherever she may live and she said yes and we made our usual promises to skype all the time and be best friends. ♥ This is so dear to my heart and I am so emotional about it. It feels like more letting go and it's a good thing. I remembered many other moments when she has displayed such love and kindness to people... when I got my wisdom teeth out and woke up to her rubbing my back and singing "go to sleep my little rabbit" like I do to her.... or when Aaron was cleaning out the holes from the wisdom teeth extraction and Mylie stood next to me and said "Don't worry Auntie Janet I'm right here with you." Well now I am bleary eyed from tears. I'm feeling so sensitive and emotional. Will I really be letting go of this time? Why do I both love it and hate it? Why does it break my heart but also open it up all the way so I can feel love so pure. All these years of taking care of kids- and they have taught me so much more then I ever taught them... about love, sacrifice... so much.
* (end what I copied here)
I would never trade the years I was a "nanny." That title does not even give true justice to the role God allowed me to have for these past several yeas. Not just with Mylie, but even going back to when we had our babysitting ministry at church or the other families I was a nanny for before my beloved, cherished group from 2005-2009 that started it all. I have been so blessed, so lucky. I cannot fathom how it all happened. People didn't understand my choice to not work corporately anymore. They thought I was "just a babysitter." And that's okay by me. I had the privilege of raising the sweetest child up to this very day and if that ends tomorrow or in 2 weeks or in 5 it doesn't change what it has taught me. I was able to interact with those precious ones- Simonne, Haley, Georgie, Taylor, Maddison, April, Antonia, Jenna, Mylie... everyday basically. They will always be so very special to me and I feel that this is even more acceptance of my current state of life.
My immune system works at 12%.
That means that I DO have limitations.
That means that I am unable to work.
That means I am prone to catching anything the wind blows my way.
That means that my life is no longer to be lived skydiving (I always wanted to and now I wouldn't try it due to heart problems, etc.) or riding roller coasters.
I am finally coming to true terms with that and I am okay with it.
Truly.
I have lived.
I am the same girl who window shopped for my unborn baby at 17 during my lunch breaks at Chick Fil A...
the same girl who lost that baby...
who endured a miserable, abusive relationship...
who moved to Georgia at 22 years old because it was time to branch out...
only to move home again to be with the one person I have loved since I was 16 years old...
only to watch that relationship fall apart....
to be picked up by Jesus...
so He could break me, make me, and heal me so I would be whole in a way I never ever was until I met Him.
I am the same girl who loves to journal, to take 800 photos a day, to drive randomly to beaches and places, who adores children and who loves a good book...
I am that girl who bungee jumped, traveled to foreign soil, and loved adventure...
I am me at 15, at 17, at 25, and then here now at 31. I have been broken, shattered, twisted, and torn apart...
but I am still standing...
and I am still becoming.
I am all the me's I ever was, and still entirely different.
Sickness... it changes you. It leaves you bare and vulnerable to the huge, big world. It robs you of your dignity as you cry, yell, vomit, get every test done to every part of your body... even the places that no one should ever go... it leaves you defenseless...
until you decide to live despite what hand you've been dealt.
I have been stripped down.
I have limitations.
Yet I live.
<3
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