Goodbye Heavy Burden

I look at photos of myself and realize how very overweight I actually was. I didn't grasp just how much until I compared a photo from last August to now.

Nine months. 

35lbs. lighter and still working to get to my ultimate goal weight range. 

It's pretty incredulous. 

I think about my secret binge eating nights, the times I ate so much that I threw up (not on purpose), the depression that weighed on my soul, and pun intended- on my physical body. I did not like my reflection. I did not like myself. 

I blamed myself for being sick. I didn't care about most things. All I felt was misery and grief and the worry of carrying the burden of illness for the rest of my life. Joy was stifled, but would escape sometimes, small reminders of who I am in Christ and who I am meant to be. Definitely not the broken, sad, scared, angry girl I regressed to in my pain.

I could not conquer the sugar addiction. Everyday I told myself I would stop. That I would starve the candida and not give in. And everyday I failed. I could not do it alone. I cried out to the Lord who hears my every prayer- spoken or unspoken. I asked the Holy Spirit to take over. I invited Him into that misery, the addictions and the heartbreak. I released my control... Or lack thereof. 

And He has responded. Immediately, completely, lovingly. 

I no longer binge. I no longer hate myself. 

I walk in freedom, and somehow this freedom is even grander then the freedom I had when I first came to accept His grace years ago. 

It is MORE. 

His generosity, His mercy, His tenderness, His forgiveness... It has been so vast. The last 4-5 years were horrible, and while there were moments of gleaned hope and happiness, I truly did want to die. Not to kill myself, but just not exist. Not this way. Not sick, dependent on everyone, constantly miserable in body and in spirit.

And that is why the freedom is so sweet. 

When the spirit is clogged and polluted with negativity, self hate, judgment... There is no freedom. Everyday is comparison and feeling like a failure, and not wanting to even try to keep up. The spiritual toxins are real and very damaging. 

I lost myself more then I ever have in my life. 

I went through the motions and smiled sometimes, and desperately looked for ways to keep on going... But my oh my, I was so lost. 

And knowing Jesus, but feeling so lost is confusing. Because knowing Him usually means that I never feel lost, except I did. My center was gone. In it's place was anxiety and apathy and hatred. I felt like the joy I once walked in must have left forever, must have been a fluke. I had memories of being that girl, but I no longer felt like her. 

I compared myself to the celebrities on tv. I put down others because I felt so insecure in my skin. I was THE worst version of myself that I have ever been.

And I hated it so much. But now I am so grateful... Truly in my brokenness, truly in my weakness, in losing myself completely... I was once again found. 

Not only was everything physically stripped away, but emotionally too. Everything I believed about myself. Every achievement knocked away. Every good thing in my soul disappeared.

For 4 long years.

And it was so necessary. 

Because now I know how swiftly life can change. I know loss in a more profound, gritty way. I know that God IS and always will be a restorer of broken dreams, my healer, my friend, my everything. I know that depression is deep and black and very unkind. I know that shall the tides change again, He is truly my rock. 

All things I knew to some extent before. I wasn't without loss or hardship. I thought I had that lesson down on lock and would never have to learn it again. 

Wrong!

Jesus has healed my depression, my secret eating disorder, my weight problem, my anxiety. I no longer feel overwhelmed and dismayed making my monthly lists of meds and needs. I no longer feel obligated to people. He has restored my soul. He has given me yet another life. My joy is so much! My pleasure in life revitalized and natural and flowing. More than I ever dreamed! More than even before Fibro! He has revealed the depths of His love. It is limitless. In my anger I sure did sin. I was so mad at myself and at the world and sometimes even at God. No spiritual airs here and I hope to never have them again, because spiritual airs are ugly. They say to the world that we don't need grace because we have it all together. Lies. And the enemy gets in and sets up camp in that arrogance. 

It makes me shudder to think of how I used to bounce around in ministry and feel so pleased with MY church, and my accomplishments, all the while thinking I was humble. 

It all goes away. ALL of it. 

What matters is grace. Love. Mercy. Kindness. Forgiveness. Gentleness. Self-control. JESUS. 

It's all about Jesus. 

In the sweet, sweet times of life, but also in the ugly. When we want to rip out our hair, stomp our feet, beat our fists to the ground. In the pain and suffering, in our unholy moments... 

Jesus. 

Not our church attendance, our ministry, our missions trip, our good deeds, our daily time in scripture, our jobs and motherhood and relationships, not our cars or awards... All swell things, but all utterly temporary. 

It's got to get in bone deep, into the very secret place that only Abba can reach. 

The whispered roar of the Savior of the world. 

JESUS.

Sometimes healing is just a trickle at a time, until He bursts forth and pours like a flood: happy rain falls like unicorns and rainbows, from the forehead to the inside of every organ, and down to the toes! How marvelous is that?! 

This weight loss is a victory and it is so important to me. Physically, of course. It's nice to fit in clothes I haven't worn in years. I like being able to move easier and having my joints ache less. But mostly it is a victory because the shedding of pounds symbolizes the shedding of that heavy brokenness. A heavy body for a heavy heart. And when I look in the mirror now, I am reminded of how far God has brought me on this Fibro journey. I understand that the worst of it is over, and I can live now. Really live again! Live with Fibro even. I think about His love. I think about His sense of humor and the special ways He loves each of us. 

I haven't felt like me in so long and at first I was hesitant to trust it. I thought it was just a good emotional day, then two... 

But I have stopped being weary of it because I know that I am me again. 

A different version. An upgraded, Jesus 2014 version. And it feels amazing. So much so. 

I pray to always be upgraded. To stay stagnant is death. To not seek Him is death. To think I have it all figured out is death. 

I still have Fibro, but I now have my center. 

I am free. 

All praise to the One who made me. And all thanks to those who have loved me at my worst. You know who you are. I can never repay the grace you have each given me. No judgment as I walked in the darkness, just continued love and prayer and support. I just want to kiss every one of you! Thank you so much. 

I will always be so grateful for the mercies you have bestowed on me during the hardest trial of my life this far. 

Love,

Janet 💛

Happy Soul

O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

                                        Psalm 30:2

As I read these words today, a fresh revelation shouts in my spirit. Truth be told, when I think of healing, I mainly think of the physical. I'm not sure why, considering that Abba has healed me so much emotionally in the past. But today, I read those words. I speak them out loud, I realize that this whole time, I have wondered why oh why Abba has allowed me to to still endure Fibromyalgia when He doesn't desire me to be sick, and when He has the power to make me well at any moment. There was a particularly harrowing season when I wondered in prayer if He had forgotten me. I knew deep down that He had not, and yet my emotions were all over the place and it seemed as though His favor was everywhere but on me. The shame and guilt at being sick only deepened that sense of being far away from Him. Still I clung, desperate and just barely. 

Today, I read those words and I understand. I understand! My body is sick, but so was my soul. In fact, it was very sick. Perhaps even more so then the myriad of ailments that course through my body. All of the insecurity, doubt, anger, fear- ALL of the ugliness inside of me was shaken loose and rose to the surface. All of those toxic emotions that have revealed themselves over the last 4 years have resulted in this serene peace that has only recently swaddled me. He has, once again, healed my soul. My heart sings with abandon, and the shame that tinged my every moment, has been broken off like chains being ripped from my entire body, only because the Healer has healed the emotional sickness that pervaded my very heart. 

I am not the woman I was before Fibromyalgia, and I am not the woman I was the last 4-5 years. I am NOW. I carry peace and joy, light and life. My heart very literally feels at rest. I am secure in my vessel. I love myself again. I honestly wondered if I ever would. 

The knowledge fills me with a gratitude that also feels like surprise. 

What perfect, beautiful timing our Savior has! It's almost my birthday, and what better gift then to carry this treasure into this next year of life. 

God, surely you are good ALL of the time. Through every storm of the soul you have carried me. You are so merciful. I love you so much and I praise you! Had you not healed me, you would still be good, and yet, you CHOSE to heal me. You didn't let the depression overtake me- though it very nearly did. You didn't let me saturate in the grief and anger, though many moments felt like I would never escape it. Your affection is the sweetest thing I've ever known. I am in awe and feel so loved by you.

Life is not always peaches and cream, and still you rise in the muddiest of places, and reveal the light of your mercy time and time again. 

May I never waste this gift you've given me- the sweetness of being found in you once again. I pray that you never stop healing my heart when it breaks, when it is burdened, when life overwhelms and circumstances scream loud. Your grace IS sufficient, and you are so gracious with those you love. Though my body is still in sickness, you have unfettered my spirit. I cannot thank you enough.

I love you. I really, really love you. 

This chapter means more to me then it ever has before. Thank you that your Word is always fresh. 

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you have lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down into the pit. 

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. 

When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken." O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed. 

To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: "What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks forever. 

Amen. 

Sleep

Today, I can finally fit into a tee shirt I ordered in 2011. Because of the candida gut, it was way too tight, and now that the inches have been peeling off with feverish intensity, many clothes I haven't worn in years are now becoming available to wear! It sounds superficial, but it is a huge accomplishment! It means that the candida is becoming managed and hopefully eradicated, and that means one less health issue compromising my immune system. Plus, let's just get real: it feels awesome to lose weight. ;)

When I got to the worst point of this illness, my quality of living was about 10%. I barely struggled though each day, taking care of Mylie and trying to do basic things for myself. That went to about 20% after I moved to NC and started to really face the stages of grief, and learn how to rest without guilt and say no to most activities. I had seasons where I could ride my bike regularly, or walk around the block, but mostly I was still majorly just trying to endure every day. Now, after a mere 4 months of juicing, my quality of living has gone to about 50%! This gives me GREAT hope. I very obviously cannot control my illness. There are some days where the pain and fatigue are at screeching monkey levels, and I must pay heed to that, however, I am quite excited that so much has progressed when it comes to going out and doing simple errands, recovering faster after engaging in activities, and the weight loss. 

Lately I have been struggling with insomnia and migraines, but last night I actually slept for hours, only waking up once versus every hour, and having NO night sweats! Getting adequate sleep is so marvelous and doesn't always happen, so I feel incredibly grateful today. 

God has been so gracious to me. There is one severe stress trigger that I have identified in recent weeks, and I am doing my very best to limit my exposure to it. It's not always easy, but I am so determined to protect my mind and body, and keep on working towards my wellness. 

I always say this, and it's because I feel it is necessary: If you are reading this blog for the first time, or if you have for awhile now, I want to state emphatically: there is NO cure. There is no quick fix. There is no special thing that I am doing that puts me above everyone else suffering from Fibromyalgia. There is only the desire to have a functional lifestyle, the urgent prayers whispered to Jesus, the drive to manage MY body the best that I can. I advocate juicing, but I don't claim that it has made me 100% better. I advocate exercise, but it's not always possible. I advocate eliminating stress. I advocate allowing ourselves to feel- really feel. The good stuff, but the bad stuff too. There's a lot of gold in the bad stuff. I advocate researching Fibromyalgia for ourselves and not trusting every single thing we read. This is a very personal illness, and as we have all read before, there is no one size fits all tactic to start living well again. Many times it feels like banging our heads against a wall, and discouragement can swallow us like a whale. 

So, today, I am thankful for sleep. I am happy that it's my birth month, and I am pleased as punch that life only gets more beautiful as each day passes. 

I wish this for you- whoever you are. May your journey be beautiful, even when it feels dry and hopeless. 

I'm living proof that there is always another good day around the corner. 

<3