O Lord, my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
Psalm 30:2
As I read these words today, a fresh revelation shouts in my spirit. Truth be told, when I think of healing, I mainly think of the physical. I'm not sure why, considering that Abba has healed me so much emotionally in the past. But today, I read those words. I speak them out loud, I realize that this whole time, I have wondered why oh why Abba has allowed me to to still endure Fibromyalgia when He doesn't desire me to be sick, and when He has the power to make me well at any moment. There was a particularly harrowing season when I wondered in prayer if He had forgotten me. I knew deep down that He had not, and yet my emotions were all over the place and it seemed as though His favor was everywhere but on me. The shame and guilt at being sick only deepened that sense of being far away from Him. Still I clung, desperate and just barely.
Today, I read those words and I understand. I understand! My body is sick, but so was my soul. In fact, it was very sick. Perhaps even more so then the myriad of ailments that course through my body. All of the insecurity, doubt, anger, fear- ALL of the ugliness inside of me was shaken loose and rose to the surface. All of those toxic emotions that have revealed themselves over the last 4 years have resulted in this serene peace that has only recently swaddled me. He has, once again, healed my soul. My heart sings with abandon, and the shame that tinged my every moment, has been broken off like chains being ripped from my entire body, only because the Healer has healed the emotional sickness that pervaded my very heart.
I am not the woman I was before Fibromyalgia, and I am not the woman I was the last 4-5 years. I am NOW. I carry peace and joy, light and life. My heart very literally feels at rest. I am secure in my vessel. I love myself again. I honestly wondered if I ever would.
The knowledge fills me with a gratitude that also feels like surprise.
What perfect, beautiful timing our Savior has! It's almost my birthday, and what better gift then to carry this treasure into this next year of life.
God, surely you are good ALL of the time. Through every storm of the soul you have carried me. You are so merciful. I love you so much and I praise you! Had you not healed me, you would still be good, and yet, you CHOSE to heal me. You didn't let the depression overtake me- though it very nearly did. You didn't let me saturate in the grief and anger, though many moments felt like I would never escape it. Your affection is the sweetest thing I've ever known. I am in awe and feel so loved by you.
Life is not always peaches and cream, and still you rise in the muddiest of places, and reveal the light of your mercy time and time again.
May I never waste this gift you've given me- the sweetness of being found in you once again. I pray that you never stop healing my heart when it breaks, when it is burdened, when life overwhelms and circumstances scream loud. Your grace IS sufficient, and you are so gracious with those you love. Though my body is still in sickness, you have unfettered my spirit. I cannot thank you enough.
I love you. I really, really love you.
This chapter means more to me then it ever has before. Thank you that your Word is always fresh.
Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O Lord, for you have lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O Lord, you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken." O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: "What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks forever.
Amen.
