My immune system works at 12%.

This was discovered through a blood test called Natural Killers function. It's not a surprising thing as most fibro patients have compromised immune systems. In my case the HHV-6 and EBV pretty much make me just that much more compromised. I posted that information somewhere on this blog whenever I got the results but it's been weighing on me lately. Not in a bad way, but in a "well hey I really have to be careful way."

Having a 12% functioning immune system means I have to take extra care because my immune system is open to everything. Case in point not only do these teeth of mine ache so, but I also have an outer ear infection. I spent a little bit at the ER yesterday and got some ear drops, nausea medication and pain medication to go along with the antibiotics from the endodontic specialist. It's very uncomfortable and gives me a splendid headache but I would much rather deal with this then the double eye infection I had about a month ago. I've been having severe nausea- and that is my least favorite thing ever. It teases, coming in wave after wave in the gut and feigning as if it will finally come out in vomit, but it never does. It just stirs around and around and around. The heart palpitations still come and go. Sometimes it's every few minutes or sometimes it comes and then leaves for the rest of the day. Today it's an every few minutes thing. I never get it checked because I know I have mitral valve prolapse and I also get anxiety attacks... so I figure it's nothing.

It's a lazy Sunday and I am so appreciative that I have had the whole day as my own. No one is home and that means I got to be alone. Gloriously alone. :) I need solitude and it's very rare so I really cherish it when it comes.



Yesterday when Mylie got home her and Aaron were looking at the flowers and rocks he had picked for her and she said "I need to speak to Auntie Janet in private." He promptly left the room and she brought me into the closet where I pray with her (I don't know why we go in there) and as I sat on the floor she stood over me, looked me deep in the eyes, put her tiny hands on my shoulders and said "I want you to be strong if I have to live at mommy's." Whoosh. This sweet release came over me. This tiny being- 4 years old in human years suddenly seemed like a wise, aged person. All of the soft words I've been blessed enough to speak into her life was coming back full fold. I wanted to cry. I was so amazed. She marvels me all the time. So sweet and so unlike a lot of kids her age. How have I been so lucky to raise this wonderful person???? I asked her if someone had told her to say that. She pinky-ed me (our special thing) and her eyes were so loving and genuine. "I was just thinking about it and I don't want you to be sad." So I asked her if SHE will be happy wherever she may live and she said yes and we made our usual promises to skype all the time and be best friends. ♥ This is so dear to my heart and I am so emotional about it. It feels like more letting go and it's a good thing. I remembered many other moments when she has displayed such love and kindness to people... when I got my wisdom teeth out and woke up to her rubbing my back and singing "go to sleep my little rabbit" like I do to her.... or when Aaron was cleaning out the holes from the wisdom teeth extraction and Mylie stood next to me and said "Don't worry Auntie Janet I'm right here with you." Well now I am bleary eyed from tears. I'm feeling so sensitive and emotional. Will I really be letting go of this time? Why do I both love it and hate it? Why does it break my heart but also open it up all the way so I can feel love so pure. All these years of taking care of kids- and they have taught me so much more then I ever taught them... about love, sacrifice... so much.
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I would never trade the years I was a "nanny." That title does not even give true justice to the role God allowed me to have for these past several yeas. Not just with Mylie, but even going back to when we had our babysitting ministry at church or the other families I was a nanny for before my beloved, cherished group from 2005-2009 that started it all. I have been so blessed, so lucky. I cannot fathom how it all happened. People didn't understand my choice to not work corporately anymore. They thought I was "just a babysitter." And that's okay by me. I had the privilege of raising the sweetest child up to this very day and if that ends tomorrow or in 2 weeks or in 5 it doesn't change what it has taught me. I was able to interact with those precious ones- Simonne, Haley, Georgie, Taylor, Maddison, April, Antonia, Jenna, Mylie... everyday basically. They will always be so very special to me and I feel that this is even more acceptance of my current state of life.

My immune system works at 12%.

That means that I DO have limitations.

That means that I am unable to work.

That means I am prone to catching anything the wind blows my way.

That means that my life is no longer to be lived skydiving (I always wanted to and now I wouldn't try it due to heart problems, etc.) or riding roller coasters.

I am finally coming to true terms with that and I am okay with it.

Truly.

I have lived.

I am the same girl who window shopped for my unborn baby at 17 during my lunch breaks at Chick Fil A...

the same girl who lost that baby...

who endured a miserable, abusive relationship...

who moved to Georgia at 22 years old because it was time to branch out...

only to move home again to be with the one person I have loved since I was 16 years old...

only to watch that relationship fall apart....

to be picked up by Jesus...

so He could break me, make me, and heal me so I would be whole in a way I never ever was until I met Him.

I am the same girl who loves to journal, to take 800 photos a day, to drive randomly to beaches and places, who adores children and who loves a good book...

I am that girl who bungee jumped, traveled to foreign soil, and loved adventure...

I am me at 15, at 17, at 25, and then here now at 31. I have been broken, shattered, twisted, and torn apart...

but I am still standing...

and I am still becoming.

I am all the me's I ever was, and still entirely different.

Sickness... it changes you. It leaves you bare and vulnerable to the huge, big world. It robs you of your dignity as you cry, yell, vomit, get every test done to every part of your body... even the places that no one should ever go... it leaves you defenseless...

until you decide to live despite what hand you've been dealt.

I have been stripped down.

I have limitations.

Yet I live.

<3