For two weeks I have felt like a human being again.
I have seen close friends, I have went swimming repeatedly, I have had energy to give Mylie the attention I used to before I got sick, I have had a positive mind frame.
I don't know when it happened but sometime over these last weeks I have somehow found my core again. Janet. Me. The woman beneath all of this last couple of years and all the turmoil. I have peace in my soul, in my gut, in my heart, in my head, in my spirit. I am able to stop myself before an outburst. I am able to handle life.
I know this to be so. I feel it everywhere. Gone is the chaos, the blackness that became my daily life. I can laugh and play and enjoy being alive again.
And yet it is never without repercussion. Two lovely weeks I have had and then after falling into an early and much needed slumber and sleeping for at least 12 hours I woke up with my neck and head in pain. My ears feel full and my stomach twists in nausea. Fatigue has been here these last two weeks. Do not get me wrong. Two great weeks is not without pain or fatigue... oh no, those stay with me stubbornly, but they have managed to hang out on the fringes these weeks... until this morning. I can feel the onslaught of a flare. The way my eyes want to close, the way it hurts to hold up my head, the ear plugs resting securely in my ears so the dryer and noise of the real world are not allowed in. Today is a day where each and every noise is my enemy and I battle the guilt that comes as I realize I probably won't be able to make it to church tonight.
Again.
People get it wrong. They say "God will understand" or "just stay home" or "don't worry about telling people you can't go." Unless you have fibromyalgia you don't know how everything becomes a struggle. It's not about me not wanting to do stuff- it's that I want to very bad but most times what I want to do and what I can do are two very different things.
I am a fighter. I feel I have navigated these choppy fibromyalgia waters and come out alive. I am working on managing it and I have been faithful as far as medication. I do need to be more strict about my diet as sugar has slowly snuck back in.
Anyway, I am in a tizzy at the moment. I have felt like "a normal" for 2 weeks now but the reality is that I am not normal. I have various conditions going on at every moment and my immune system is working at 12%. I do have limitations, and I do have to pay attention to my body. For whatever reason it is saying STOP today. I feel it all over and so maybe I have learned something after all.
Months ago I would have sucked it up and pushed myself because the guilt would eat me alive. I would have taken a shower, gotten dressed and rode in a car 30 minutes away, sat through a church service, hung out with the teens afterwards until about 10pm, rode home in horrendous pain and extreme fatigue, and then crashed into bed with maybe a whine fest or two. Then I would be in a flare for the next week or two all because I did not listen to my body.
I have started to view my body in a different light. I must take care of it. People take care of their cars- oil changes, tune-ups, tire rotations, car washes... but I treated my body horribly. Bad food, little sleep, working hard all the time... always toting kids around, dropping everything to help someone out... this is not a good thing. That was a contributer to my demise. I did not see my body as something to be taken care of.
Today I struggle. Today is the mind and the body wanting two different things. The reality is that without the body's cooperation I am waging war against myself. I woke up on this day on the verge of a flare. The other night I grinned to myself thinking I had it conquered... now I remember it is to be a lifetime of balances.
Sleep.
Diet.
Exercise.
Rest.
Paying attention when my body says no.
Today it is saying no.
Instead of seeing it as defeat, I am choosing to see it as one disappointment today may mean I get 2 more weeks feeling good.
We'll see.
In any case this is a good reminder to stay humble. You cannot get arrogant with a chronic condition. It just will not work.
I haven't had to use this in 2 weeks which is a huge feat! Plus I have been able to walk in Target without the use of a motorized cart. That's progress! Thank you sunshine.
I am tempted to just go. Just suck it up. Just "see." Ah, but seeing if I can do it has already proven countless times that I WILL reap what I sow. This is the constant crux of fibromyalgia. Up, down, around, sideways.
