I no longer belong in the real world.

The normal world.

I tried in vain at the beginning of all of this to keep up. I went to the cheer performances, church every single weekend, and the various functions hosted by friends and family. When an old family friend passed away last May I hoisted myself right into the fray and helped out. I was still adrift in confusion. Not quite sure what was happening to my body, why I was just never getting better, and many more months would pass until that came to light.

As my illness progressed it got increasingly difficult to tolerate noise, crowds, stress, everything really. I was judged constantly by people who refused to take me seriously. People I trusted who took to bad mouthing me behind my back... taking it upon themselves to determine that I was not actually sick, but making excuses to not hang out. Who does that? What childish behavior makes someone do that? I still don't know the answer to that question. As life grew harder to tolerate I withdrew. I stopped going to events and battled an INSANE amount of guilt as friends and family took it personally when I could not make it to their functions or even chat on the phone.

And now I feel myself sliding into something acquiescence to what feels like defeat. I have stopped agreeing to plans, and have decided instead to "play it by ear" with those who I sincerely miss and ache to spend time with again. I know deep down that I will more then likely not make any plans, because it has simply become impossible to have relationships aside from those I see or text with on a regular basis. The more I am taken over by my ailments, the less I have to give away.

It sounds selfish and it is. Maybe for the first time I am coming into acceptance of everything I have lost and what my life is transforming into. My life consists solely of making it through every single day. Oh, I can post some positive statuses on facebook and even smile for a photo or two, but inside I am struggling minute to minute to make it through.

I am on a bunch of medications which are entirely strict by way of when I take them. I go to Safeway and find my teeth chattering because it's so cold, and all of the "white noise" in the outside world- tires on pavement, distant sounds of trains and planes, the roar of a motorcycle, people chatting... it has become impossible.

Am I the same girl who once bungee jumped? Who loved spontaneous adventures? Am I the same woman who stepped onto foreign soil much to the chagrin of family who worried I would be kidnapped or killed because of my white skin?

The answer is yes... and no.

As all the days turned into months and then into over a year I would wake up each morning honestly thinking I would magically be better. Maybe I wasn't sick. Maybe I could shake it off. Maybe I didn't really have fibromyalgia. And while I still hold firm to the fact that I could be spontaneously healed, I have also hit the fork in the road that has me facing the stark reality that this is not going away.

This is my life.

I cannot run away from it or ignore it's severity or keep up the act of maintaining a regular life. My priority is to heal. To accept what has become of my body, my mind, my spirit.

It often times feels like drowning. I've been treading water for a good long while now and I think it's about time I step out of the pool and bench myself.

This is a humiliating, debilitating sickness. It robs me of my pride and dignity and leaves me floundering in the aftermath of it's daily destruction. I am instantly defensive when those who have not experienced it's death grip try to give me advice or steer me a certain way.

I have attempted to stay positive, encouraging and determined in my pursuit of better health but I have finally reached the breaking point of admitting to myself that I am not okay.

I recently went through a time of extreme insecurity. I was questioning my attractiveness, my whole entire self brought into the light and criticized and assessed by my own 2 critical eyes. I started to become consumed with the self- and did not realize it until God showed me that I was focusing on the wrong thing. I was not arrogant in my seeking, but I did tear myself down internally all day, everyday.

Finally He gave me some perspective. That it's not about who I was, and not even necessarily on who I will become, but on WHO I AM RIGHT NOW. Faults and all. Admitting to my near and dear that I am not okay. That it's the being terribly sick all day, everyday but also it's the emotional turmoil that comes along with that. I can't handle "regular" life and I have to be okay with that.

I completely believe that God is taking this sickness and using it in ways I cannot even fathom. The enemy would have me kneel and bow to what plagues me but I will not surrender. The amazing thing is that now I feel like I can be honest with myself about who I am today. There is no false bravado to make it through a conversation or handle a birthday party. There is only the naked truth that I am different. I am set apart.

I spent endless amounts of time berating myself, feeling so utterly guilty for not being a good friend, lost in this sea of doubt and disillusionment... but now I can say I have limitations that are entirely real. It's uncomfortable and I can no longer relate to my family and friends.

I am sick.

I have a viral condition that leaves me with no immune system defense that is never going to go away.

I have fibromyalgia.

I have a whole list of other ailments including a heart condition, a thyroid condition, etc.

I have spent so much time trying to "keep up." To beat something that I don't have the business of beating. I have compared myself to others. I have felt like if I did not keep trying, keep striving, keep trying to participate in the "normal" world that I would fade into oblivion. The truth is without facebook and blogs I would not know what is going on in my "friends" lives. I don't have energy to chew the fat with old friends, or to pretend that I am invested in the same things as them anymore.

I am in survival mode. And it's great that other people with these ailments are out there living life... I'm not there. I'm taking it one day at a time. One simple thing at a time. Now that I have stopped pretending with myself I can really let go and figure out who I am now.

My goals and priorities have changed. My lifestyle has become that of a hermit. I have social anxiety because although I am told everything comes out normal my brain is all scrambled and I find myself fumbling when in conversation. I still have one family member who no matter what refuses to grasp that I am severely ill. Each time I see this person they are aghast as to why I don't feel well. Being with them is stressful.

I am discovering that there is beauty in who I am now, even with the pain and hurts. God doesn't waste my tears and He most certainly will not waste my pain. Right now I have some type of flu bug with a majorly swollen, leaking eye. It is burning and throbbing and I feel like clawing it out. This is day 5 of it. The eye doctor said it may be viral or may be some kind of allergy. Today I woke up and the other eye is now swollen. I could barely move last night due to the severity of pain. Fibromyalgia is flaring along with these new ailments. That's one of the most annoying things. Having to explain over and over and over that I have no immune system to fight off these infections. What is so hard to grasp???

I am being honest and raw and real with myself and with you dear reader. For so long I felt that if I did not continue to be Miss Peppy Patty that I would be failing. People seem to enjoy the fake... the cheery status updates, the la la la world of make-believe. I'm not a sugar coater and to go against myself and try to be ALWAYS optimistic is unrealistic.

I'm not okay. I'm sad and mad and grieving and that's where I need to be today.

I am reflecting on WHO I am in Christ. What does Papa want to teach me through this? What comes next?

I guess only time will tell.

I have debated deleting my facebook because it serves only to remind me of the world I am no longer a part of. Everyone puts their best self forward and it's not real all of the time. I don't know if I can hang with that.

So here is where I am today...

I am a little scared.

I am a lot anxious.

I am angry.

And I am rest assured that me and Jesus will figure things out together.

I don't need to go to parties to be valued.

I don't need to have 800 friends on facebook.

I don't need to act like I have it all together.

For those of you who ask me to get together, please understand I am not going to feel like getting together. I wake up everyday and it's a gamble of how I will feel. If you want to visit can it be with the understanding that I am not well? I have joked and said I want to live in a home for fibromyalgia patients, but the truth is I am being serious. If they had a home I would move there because life really is that hard.

If you can come and sit with me, pray with me, just be with me... without needing anything back from me right now... then maybe we have a chance at being friends.

This is me being honest: I have nothing to give away right now.

<3 I also got a letter in the mail yesterday saying I need a follow up pap for an abnormal one months ago. I am slightly worried as I have a cervical cancer growth past and the doctors never did find out what was causing the cervical bleeding months ago. The last pap I had via the Family Clinic back in February was normal so maybe it's a glitch. In either case I will be going in next week for an exam. I also have another eye appointment, the fibro clinic appointment, another light therapy appointment at the dermatologist, and a medi cal evaluation appointment. I do feel frustrated because I was getting ailment after ailment for months but for the last 3 or 4 months I have been pretty steady. When it rains it pours, right?! Also been doing some major reflection about my past relationships with men and with friends. It's pretty unpleasant to drudge up memories but it's necessary. One thing I have come to the conclusion about for all of us is: CARRY YOUR WORTH. BEHAVE LIKE THE PRINCE OR PRINCESS YOU ARE. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THEN A BOOTY CALL OR HALF A RELATIONSHIP. Let go of shattered dreams or broken promises and find wholeness and joy in who God made you to be. Radiate in your beauty and relish in your character.