I've been at the pool the last 2 days. The sun is shining bright and it has been a little slice of heaven to sit poolside and journal.

I'm starting to appreciate MY body. As we grow up we are taught to compare ourselves to our peers and the women on television. I think it comes with age. The 20's seem silly to me somehow. Oh, they were rich and poignant at times, silly and incredibly fun at others and it was delightful at the time, but I find I am quite liking being 31.

As my 20's started to end and the age of 30 approached I felt I was about to start sliding down some inevitable slide to the end. That's it. I would be old. It's amazing how the perception of old changes once you get to 30. Suddenly 50 seems young. As a single, never been married, having no biological children woman there is a stigma attached that screams silently "old maid!" I remember going to numerous weddings and baby showers and getting pressured from family and friends to get married and settle down. I realized yesterday how grateful I am that I am not married and that I don't have my own children at this point. I've been able to live on my own whim... at least until I got sick. I "have" children even though they do not belong to me, and I have enjoyed adventures such as going on a missions trip to another country and had the absolute freedom to pour myself into friendships and serving God. Not that I could not do so if I had been wed but I have never been so aware of how necessary it was for me to be single in my 20's. It allowed me to figure out who I am without a partner. It forced me to rely on God instead of a husband, and I had a blast. I had sensational times with incredible people. I am so thankful for that time in my life....
and yet at 31 years old I feel equal parts young and old. I feel caught in-between now and the future- not sure what is to come and actually relishing that I have no idea. There are a couple of options and I am not sure where God is bringing me. It seems that something happens after 30. This gentle acceptance of who one is... enabling me to sit in a bathing suit, comfortable at last in my own skin.
Sure there are people deemed to have "perfect" bodies, but there are so many others with curves and lumps and cellulite and it's liberating to finally embrace MY body. Ever since I became conscious of my body I have resisted it. I was teased as a child for developing early and in high school I finally began to feel comfortable with my shape. And then in 2009 someone who had been a friend for years said something that was very rude and I chose to partner with it. I started to see myself the way this person saw me. I felt that old familiar shame rise up and settle on me happily. And friends, I have been walking in that ever since NOW.
I am keenly aware of how watching Jem as a 5 year old, reading Sweet Valley High from 3rd grade to my early 20's,and feasting innocent eyes on YM, Sassy, Seventeen, and Cosmo magazines as a young girl directly influenced my self image. Society would have young women believe that they are not good enough unless they look like the women on television. I am not immune to this and have felt the pressure to look like them. Unfortunately the style these days is for a woman to look like a 12 year old boy. I don't think that's very healthy and in speaking with men and women have discovered that most people actually do prefer curves. Obviously we have the responsibility to take care of our earthly bodies eating healthy foods and exercising- especially with chronic conditions, but back in the day a woman who had bigger hips was considered more attractive for child bearing.
Times have changed and if you are a woman in this day and age the expectation is that you are super tiny, with barely any hips or shape or breasts. I think that is ridiculous. Whatever body shape YOU have is a blessing. To have a healthy body is the biggest gift of all. Being so sick all of the time makes me appreciate the lovely gifts in life and it makes me love my body and what God has blessed me with all the more.
So if someone is down on you about your weight, your height, your size I would suggest you tell them to stuff it. Enjoy your body- all of it. God made you beautiful and I hope it won't take you until you are in your 30's to realize it like it did for me.

Embrace your curves lovelies!

I had not worn a bathing suit without a cover up since I was about 10 years old (except for high school swimming in P.E.). That's what shame does. It was unnecessary for me to sit on the sidelines while I was a teenager or in my 20's because I was too embarrassed to show my skin. Part of it is modesty. I do believe in being modest. But mainly, to be really real here, it was because I grew up thinking that to have a figure was a bad thing. I was teased in junior high for being developed and although that went away for me in high school it came back with a vengeance when I allowed ONE person to soil my spirit. That was MY choice and I chose to believe it and walk in it for the last 2 or 3 years. It makes it easier when everyone around you is also buying into the lie that society sells.

On another note the fibromyalgia is still present but with the recent sunshine comes the relief all over my body. The cold really does a number on our (those of us with this condition)joints and muscles and everything really. I've went swimming (laps and when I get tired I have been jogging across the lap pool)the last 2 days and it has vastly improved my mood. One thing I am truly struggling with right now is my diet. I am supposed to be 100% off the sugar but the trouble is once I have a sliver the candida I am working so hard to kill off with medication kind of takes over and demands more. I am insanely desirous for sugar right now and that is THE worst for fibro. It's straight poison. I have not fared well on being gluten free since that first month, but I am steadily losing the extra lbs fibro put on me.

I realize over the last year and a half that I have had numerous ailments- some that came and went and others that are here for the long haul, and I want to write it out for you now with a list of my current medications. I hope this helps anyone dealing with any of these issues:

Current chronic medical issues:

right bundle branch block (heart)
cherry agioma (face)
hip bursitis/lumbago (left hip and back)
mild psoriasis (knees)- the sunshine and light therapy work wonders!
dyshidrotic ezema- Aquaphor every 5 minutes has saved my fingers!
acid reflux
mitral valve prolapse (heart)
MTHFR mutation
thyroid issues
HHV-6 virus
fibromyalgia
anxiety attacks
epstein barr virus
IBS
osteoarthritis/tendonitis (left ankle)

Current OTC/Supplements:

Saccromyces
Charcoal Caps
Folapro
Vit. D 1000 (to reach 15,000 per dose)
Vit. C 1000
Magnesium Malate
Aquaphor
Lauricidin
Interfase
Bentonite
Milk Thistle (gall bladder)

Prescription Medications:

Nystatin
Nitroglycerine
Omeprazole
Triamcinolone
Orthotricyclen
Alprazolam
Liothyronine
Questran
Ursodiol
Zaditor

Hope you all have a splendid weekend. ;)