This one will be short.

I've been feeling slightly better in some ways and slightly bad in others.

Better:
-able to sit up and on the floor for awhile vs. not at all
-more sleep has enabled me to feel more clear in my thoughts
-able to do light cleaning last week (vacuuming, dishes, etc.) with minimal pain

Worse:
-hands, feet, and nose stay freezing for a really long time
-takes me longer to take a shower and do basic things
-I have given up on trying to blow dry my hair most days
-the antibiotics seem to have triggered a yeast infection (I am on my cycle so I am unable to be examined right now. HORRORS.)
-bloated beyond all belief

One thing that is really cool is that I am starting to come into acceptance. I truly have been going through the "stages of grief" (http://www.mdjunction.com/fibromyalgia/articles/chronic-illness-and-the-five-stages-of-grief) and I am finally feeling more like "a" self. I say "a" self vs. myself because I'm not that person anymore. I am learning that I don't have to be Ms. Organized. The bathroom cabinet does not need to be fixed and straightened when I can use my energy to read or write this blog, or even go sit outside. I am starting to feel whole again and not some "sick girl."
This morning when I opened my eyes the first line of the book I am writing came to mind. That is a HUGE deal.
This last year I have completely lost myself. I got sick, endured (and still am) numerous appointments (trust me- when your life becomes staying home and going to different doctors it gets pretty dismal)and ailments, lost friends, gained friends, established or reinforced boundaries, cried, laughed, screamed, yelled, wondered "why me," prayed, longed for the old life... etc.
I am hesitant always to get excited over physical improvements or mental breakthroughs. i have learned that one day may be great but the next is likely to be dark again.
I am not okay with that, but I accept it.
I am learning that people and circumstances that cause stress have to be monitored or eliminated. Not in cruelty, but in the effort to save the physical body from further pain or stress. Not easy to do but necessary.
I am learning that I still exist. Sounds funny but it's true. When I got sick I felt as though I was no longer living. Not dead obviously, but not truly alive either. It's hard to feel alive when you are in pain and tired all day, everyday.
It's a blurry way to walk through life.
I am learning that having a bad day physically or mentally is incredibly difficult, but it WILL change and another good day will arise. They are rare, but they still exist.
I am learning that I can do this.
It's hard and I feel afraid, but I can do this afraid (thanks Joyce Meyer for that inspiration).
From all of my research I am learning that I am still a person. I can help others who face this illness. I may not be able to talk on the phone anymore, my energy is depleted easily- way too easily- but I can make efforts to at least be present.
For a very long time I did not want to present. As I muse on the past year of this sickness it feels unbelievable. How oh how did I get through? Were all those ailments real? Yes,they were.
It's odd... Fibromyalgia. Moments of normalcy peek through, and it's easy to believe I am well. I used to trick myself every morning and try talk myself into feeling better. I would hope and hope and hope I would snap open my eyeballs and be Janet of old. I now know that's not a good idea. I am to be realistic about my limitations.
I'm still in the process, and sometimes I go backwards. I cry. I scream. I feel angry. There is a genuine loss that I have been facing.
But now I see glimpses of the other side.

Tears now as I write.

I have walked through some major things in my life. I believe fully that all of those experiences have given me a courage and a strength I would not possess otherwise. My God is a big God and He has ALWAYS equipped me with the weapons I need to defeat even the largest enemy. I admit that I have often times wanted to give up. Not die, not in a dramatic way, but honestly, some moments are incredibly hard and I haven't wanted to fight. I've been too tired. I wanted to lay down my sword and just give in.

BUT...

I won't. If I never got sick I would still be rushing around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I would still be DOING and BEING everyone and everything all the time. I would not be starting a book that I've wanted to write since I was a little girl. I would not have been forced to really SEE what is before me. It seems strange to have to go through something so unbearably ugly and desparaging to find the beauty shining in all the tiny, overlooked joys in life.

Life is a joy.

This breath I am inhaling and exhaling right this second reminds me that I AM ALIVE.

"I may have Fibromyalgia but it doesn't have me."

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.