Last night I was standing outside and I started praying. Words tumbling, spilling from lips begging for the presence of my God. And of course the peace came. Tears streamed down into my blouse but I was only vaguely aware. I had come to a refuge I had many times been too but had not sat in often the last few weeks. In my own fear and rebellion I started to shut down- always talking to Jesus, but not allowing Him to balm my wounds. Last night as I stood there staring at the stars I had much to be sad about. My health continues to see-saw tauntingly as I sit here trying in vain (or so it seems) to figure it out. The myriad of aches and pains never seem to lessen, merely shift and settle in and upon other parts until I am just one huge hurt.
Earlier yesterday I walked to the mailbox which is quite far. Then in a moment of pure "I can't just sit here anymore" I started to clean Mylie's closet... and I finished! I felt so accomplished. It was great to feel some semblance if for just a night. Today I did a bunch of stuff around the apartment, and even managed a few phone conversations. That's a HUGE feat and it feels amazing to have been able to do it. I am going to continue walking (with the knowledge that I can't press too hard too fast and that rest will be taken if necessary) and implement some form of soft yoga or something in eventually. I feel unfit and I can't wait to take control of that aspect of my life again.
So I had another night of not being able to sleep, but I made use out of it. I decided to return all of the TV shows I rented from the library. They are a huge distraction and a previous stronghold. It would be so easy to continue to give way to entertainment. I choose not to. So this evening they were dropped off at the library. I don't like TV much but for old reruns of 80's sitcoms and Grey's Anatomy. Lost was my favorite but now it's gone. :( Anyway, so I also journaled and just sat in silence with the Lord.
After the tear streaming incident outside I came in and watched Joyce Meyer. I DVR Everyday Living everyday and the Lord almost always speaks STRAIGHT to my heart. Last night was no exception. There was a lot about feeling rejected by people who you've trusted ( a lot of that this past year with people not believing I am sick, etc.), pride and ego, and some other stuff.
It was deep.
I got deep into prayer and just asked Jesus to minister to my heart. All I could say was how much I missed Him. Though He is always with me and though I talk to Him all the time, I have been holding back. I have been clinging to anger and sadness and I released it last night.
I know I may still get sad or angry but things are looking up. I am processing so much, and I am just asking God for a humble, open heart to hear and see Him in all of this. It's easy to speak the lingo and to even really have a relationship with Jesus, but to also take it for granted.
However, the fibro has not been kind lately. The Snuggie I got for Christmas helps warm the bone chill I seem to have every night. My left ankle was aching tonight and causing me to limp again. Last time it was the right. I continue to have absolutely no appetite. The yeast infection started to come back due to the antibiotics and so I took the pill I got last time. Hopefully it clears up within the day. The IBS is really bad right now, as is the insomnia. I've been taking Tylenol but ran out, so I hope sleep will befriend me this evening.
I continue to find major support in several blogs and an awesome group on Facebook.
I am looking forward to what comes next. I have sponsor letters to write and a life to live.
Hoping tomorrow brings more revelation and more joy.
