From my journal:
January 27, 2011 (YESTERDAY)
Will it always be like this? Why do I feel like I am going to die soon? I feel like my days are final somehow. Right now I am convinced I am going to die this year. Is it just this Phil Wickham song- Heaven Song? Or is it just how I seem to "know" things sometimes way deep down. I am sad. I am already missing today. I feel like some things are being imprinted in my mind, in my heart. I feel so bittersweet as I watch tv at night, Mylie sleeping softly in her bed across the room- everyone safe in the cozy dim of night. Or sitting at borders and staring at the girls- so grown up and beautiful. Aaron-this amazing man. And Mylie- my beautiful little spirit child.
I am leaving those moments and I am so sad about that. Being sick allows me to know the quickness of life, the impending end we all will face in a way that a healthy person does not know yet. Obviously we all know we will die at some point, but being severely sick pushes the end closer. It makes every single thing so powerful. Every word, every day. The way the sun shines on my skin, Mylie's laughter, the tree outside that hangs bare in the winter. It might be the last time we ever see these things. I never used to fear death or even think about it all that much. I don't fear it. Jesus will be there and I will go home. I don't believe there is anything to fear at all. But somehow being so consistently vulnerable, having all of these parts of my physical body being attacked- it makes me aware in a way I never was. I break at the knowledge that one day everyone I love will be gone. I can't stand it. I am grieving. Whimpering like a little girl, slobbering on this notebook paper. I am so sad. Being so challenged health wise is so scary.
I'm only 30 so my weak body is trying to fight back, but what happens as I get older and my body weakens in the way all of our bodies weaken as we age? Then perhaps I will not be able to fight back so much. My organs and all that are barely hanging on now will surely not be able to combat Fibromyalgia in old age.
*At this point I was starting to get super anxious and sobs tore through me. I had to stop immediately and get into prayer. That led me straight into the presence of God. I squeezed my eyes shut and just cried. Wailed really. I just kept pleading, "Holy Spirit come!" Begging. And oh He came, my Savior. It was dark at first. I could feel the enemy trying to close me in, to give in to fear, to bow down. So I opened my lips and fierce prayers swept through me. I hadn't prayed that way since I got back from the Philippines. Rip roaring, powerful, letting the Holy Spirit stream out over the apartment. I took authority in Christ Jesus and got PISSED at the enemy. As He gave me prayers of power, I felt the light come. It was so beautiful, so good. I could only cry and cry and cry. Shaking with the light and the peace that only comes from being in the presence of God. I'm talking about blinding, beautiful, brilliant light that streamed all over me. Arms raised to receive, spirit open, joy coming in bursts of gold even behind closed eyelids. I could only sit there rocking back and forth in a frenzy, once again realizing how blessed and lucky I am to be called His. Not for some show of religion, not to warm a pew on Sundays, but to breathe in Jesus. To breathe in His sweetness, His mercy, His love, His everything. All pouring, pouring, pouring onto my head, my arms, my being and saturating me to the core.
Here is the entry I wrote after being in His presence. It is not edited, it is as I experienced. If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Jesus yet I will sound insane. ;) I'm okay with that. The day I STOP being cuckoo for Jesus is the day to worry.
Here goes:
Oh my gosh. I just had the most intense time. The light was brilliant. It was so full, so radiating even with my eyes closed. It was overwhelming. I wanted more and more and more- I was drowning in love. But it was too much so He dimmed His brilliance only to suit my eyes. All I could see was light, all I could feel was God. Prayers shouted from trembling lips, sobs making me choke. The darkness eliminating as He shone on and on. My heart full, about to burst with His goodness. Breaking down as I realize the light I saw was only a tiny fraction of God's full brilliance. Wow.
Overwhelmed with His presence. The devil fleeing. Casting out all of the lies he has slowly deposited into me over the last year. Anxiety like a band around my heart breaking off, breaking open, breaking away. Your presence all over me. I am begging to stay in your brilliance, but I know it will overwhelm me if I don't look away. I never knew how bright you really are. Oh Jesus. The love. the peace. It crested over me like an impenetrable wall around us. Nothing and no one could touch me at all because you were covering me.
I am laughing. I am crying. Who am I that you would allow me to be with you???
I am giddy. Laughter shakes my whole body. Literally I am shaking and I cannot stop. I am so deliriously happy.
I can't stop laughing. Not hysterical, but pure joy. I haven't felt so happy in so long.
I had to pause for a moment. Just spent about 7 minutes rolling around on the floor laughing. I sense your nearness in a way I haven't in months. How is it with you there is always another level, God? I am humbled by your love once again. I've missed you so much and here you are. Oh Jesus, thank you for forgiving me for neglecting our relationship, for purposely passively shutting you out. Thank you for always bringing me back to you. Thank you that what started as me feeling like I was going to have a heart attack led to being in your shining presence. That it resulted in me laughing with joy and having peace again. Peace only by your spirit.
I am in awe once again.
My faithful God.
Come Alive- Deluge Band came on my ipod at that very moment. Perfect.
Thanks for reading!
