I can do this.
I am doing this.
My God has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He hasn't. he has been here every step of the way. Every ER visit, every procedure, every tear, every time I wonder where my next meal is going to come from, every time I wonder how I will get my medication. He provides. He loves me.
I feel some of my joy come back. My heart is open. My spirit is open. Oh Lord, "let it rain. Open the floodgates of heaven. Let it rain....."
It's hard. It's life changing. It's been one ailment after another fighting for time with the always persistent fibromyalgia, but change doesn't have to be bad.
I am agreeing to change with this. I am letting myself off the hook. I am letting go of every demand, every expectation I put on myself. I say no to the demands of other people. I leave it now.
If I am living for Jesus... to love Him, delight in Him, be romanced by Him, and allow Him to use me for His kingdom then all of this stuff is just stuff. It's real and difficult, but it's also nothing compared to the life He has given me.
I see now that I am not alone. I often times feel alone, but I am not. I have amazing parents, family, and a few true blue friends. I am thankful that this sickness has weeded out counterfeit relationships in my life. Often this disease is about the patient, but I want all of those I love that I think of you often. I recognize how my sickness has changed our dynamics and I ask you to transition with me. I am blessed. I have the same best friends (Monica and Roxanne) I had at 12 years old, and though we don't talk everyday, I know that when it matters we will (we do) drop everything for one another SATC status. I am grateful to Melinda for never giving up on me. For praying for me. For loving me when I am unlovable. I have found that the best friends truly are the ones who will sit with us and sometimes not even say a word. I am so grateful for my parents and my Aunties and my little brother. I am grateful for Theresa, Camille, Adina, La'Tees. People who are tried and true. I am grateful for Aaron for giving so much of his time and attention to understanding this with me. I am grateful for Mylie. She brings me such joy. I am grateful for restored communication with Lindsey. I am grateful for Maddison, April, Simonne, and Antonia. I am grateful that my dear friend, Ashley has CFS but she is functioning and thriving! I am thankful for Leah and her blog and the Fibromyalgia Crusade. I am grateful for community at the Fun House. ;)
I am not alone.
I am glad that I am questioning motives. I am glad that I am having boundaries. I am glad that I am sick.
Yes. I said that. I hate it, I would not wish this on anyone ever, but through this affliction I am being so broken down, I am being so tormented that it is purging all of the ugly stuff in my heart. It is taking fleshy habits and chipping away until it becomes something glittering for the Lord.
I take dominion back over my body. I say no to discouragement, disillusionment, pride, fear, depression, and anxiety. I let go of all of the worry I pack on everyday.
My God is not some "idea" in the sky somewhere. He is real and passionate and intensely involved in every area of my life.
Through this crucible I know that more then ever. Even as I have clamped my lips and squeaked out halfhearted prayers, even as I have hardened my heart just a smidge, even as I cry and scream and beg... I know that I am safe in His hand.
There is nothing I have to do but listen to Him.
I receive it.
Thank you Abba for bringing me back to the basics. Me and you. Me and you.
