I am laughing, I am free, I am me again...
and then it's too much...
being in this body... sounds, life all around those of us that are falling apart.
Our bodies have betrayed us. We are no longer strong. We are fooled over and over
thinking that we have somehow mastered this beast...
it seems it cannot be tamed...
it shows up at inconvenient times...
like when you are on the way to pick up the girls for a Saturday night movie (this
happened last weekend) and you have to pull over to vomit several times....
when you go to church and you are almost falling asleep during service because your
body is just so tired...
and even when you go up for prayer you have no idea how you made it to the front of
the sanctuary, and even worse as this lady is praying and declaring healing over you
and asking if there is a stronghold in your life and you look dumbly back at her and
say "well yes, this illness is quite a stronghold. It's pretty consuming. I am losing
my focus on God because it's demanding all of me..." you're trying to receive and
tears come because the presence of the Lord is upon you and you are remembering who
you are... so you leave and go to Borders and laugh and have a blast... you think you
are better! No, you ARE better. Nothing can stop you... so what if you have to wear
earplugs all day long and even at church and the movies.... so what if you are so
tired the mere idea of even getting out of the car and putting on pajamas and
nestling into bed is so overwhelming... at least you had a good day... at least you
went to church and you are tired because you did something... but then you get inside
and suddenly the mood is black. Gone is the joy and hope that lit inside of you all
night, and here you are again. You and the beast. It is trying to claw into you...
break you down... get you to resist. To turn away from God. To hate people. To hate
life. And it seems like it is winning. You cry, scream, rage, wonder why... and there
is absolutely no answer.
But we go on. We exist in these bodies. Our spirits are strong. We feel so weak
but we are brave. We have to be because there is no answer for what we are going
through. This beast is trying to break us down...
but we will fight.
We will win.
We will be full of light again.
