le·thar·gic/ləˈTHärjik/
Adjective: Affected by lethargy; sluggish and apathetic
I am trying in vain to write a blog while everything is still fresh but Wow Wow Wubbzy is on in the background and Mylie periodically asks me to do something. I feel irate right now. At having fibromyalgia, at the audacity of medical professionals, and at being just so tired.
I went to a pain management appointment today. I first saw this doctor back in September when he finally confirmed I have fibromyalgia. That very first visit he asked me what I wanted him to do. I snapped after months of being dismissed and treated like a loony bin by doctors AND peers. I told him he was the doctor and he should be helping me, not asking me to diagnose and treat myself.
Since then I have seen him several times. He has performed several outpatient injections into my back, hips, and legs. Out of all of those injections, only one was effective.
I have not seen him since that last injection series which was in November. I wasn't sure what to expect today. He was getting nicer over time, seeming to take me seriously. Today he walked in with some woman I've never met. We all shook hands. They didn't explain why she was there, and I was too exhausted to even ask. I assume she was someone learning something... who knows...
So he asks me how things have been going since the injections, and I told him that the last injections seem to have helped at least 45%. I was more mobile afterwards and only a few weeks ago did it become blazing again. He had me lift up my shirt and checked my body again for pain points. As I stood there grimacing with each press, he said "you have a lot of fibromyalgia going on." No kidding. He told me to take the neurontin he prescribed a few months ago. I explained that I was on various antibiotics for different things and wanted to wait until I wasn't taking a bunch of stuff. I told him I have questions about neurontin before I start it. He looked at me and very rudely stated: "Read about it."
This is the time I usually cower. Ashamed of the pain, of not being able to handle it... this time I knew better. I looked at him and said that I had read about it but I am hesitant to take pills. I told him that I am going to a fibromyalgia treatment center next month and he seemed to get irritated at that. He spouted off about how doctors don't know anything about fibromyalgia and that if one doctor gives me one pill that works then to stick with that one pill.
Oh heck no.
I am delighted to say I did not give in to my emotions. Proof positive that there has been growth and all the tears, anger, and depression were for a purpose... still is for a purpose. We exchanged dialogue. He wants to do another injection series in a few weeks. I scheduled one, but the moment I walked out of there I knew I am never going back.
When all of this was a mystery I just took the abuse from non-believers. Friends, doctors, strangers. To this very day there are some who continue to be oh so incredulous when I am not feeling good. They gloss over fibromyalgia like it doesn't exist. Before, each encounter with attitudes such as that, set me off. I was miserable. I condemned myself over and over and over. Then I went back for seconds. I mentally tore myself apart for not being stronger, better, healthier. I blamed myself. Now I can honestly say that I am not the one with the issue.
If one lacks compassion, lacks the ability to look at someone else in pain and empathize- then they are the ones who have an issue. I am proactive. I am strong. Mighty strong. I am weak in body, but oh am I strong in spirit.
I know now that I don't have to settle for some cheapened medical experience. My disease is real and it deserves the same treatment any other person would get. I am taking a stand, I am putting myself first for once.
I AM done with the fibromyalgia non-believers. I am done with those people who have always sucked me dry at their convenience, but who have all but disappeared now. I have learned who is really in my corner. I am no longer making myself accessible to those who only tear down my already fragile state of mind.
I am not some rag doll to be scuffed around nor am I some little piece of glass that will easily break. I am being made stronger everyday. I am learning how to trust and trust and trust some more in my God, in His plans for my life, and I am also letting go of ALL He asks me to let go of.
It's quite the process, but I would rather be this sick for the rest of my life then to lack compassion.
