So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2
Yesterday I had some energy (praise the Lord!)for once and I stood there marveling at the difference. With chronic fatigue it feels like living is done underwater 24;7. Case in point, I showered immediately after taking the first batch of medication when I woke up today. I once did this everyday but now it's quite the task. I feel so drained after a simple shower! My revelation is this: sleep is precious. Energy is precious. When I have it it feels like it's a super special day because I get to feel alert, feel alive, feel a part of this world again. The lure of having energy is that it begs to be used up and I often times find myself depleting almost as soon as my body allows some activity.
It's tricky finding a balance. It's hard to slow down when it feels that the key to freedom has been placed in my lap for an afternoon. However, I have realized that my body's natural alarm clock is what I need to adhere to versus one of those annoying, buzzing alarm clocks that interrupt the flow of my body's needs.
It needs rest. It needs sleep. A dear friend said "sleep is medicine." I want to start looking at it that way, instead of "sleep is a waste of time." Aren't I worth it? Aren't I worth taking care of the way I urge fellow sickies to rest? And I mean "real" rest. With sensory overload at all hours of the day, rest does not occur when I watch television or read books. That's a type of recreational rest, but I mean rest in the sense of closing exhausted eyeballs and leaning weary limbs against the chest of my Savior. Being replenished in His peace and stillness. That is mine for the taking, and unfortunately in this day of social media and technology the draw to sitting at His feet is buried beneath Facebook comments and the pull to be connected all of the time to everyone.
Yesterday I was going through the journals that were spared during the "great bonfire burn" of 2007 ;) and I stumbled upon this:
PHOTO HAS BEEN REMOVED.
Wow! I mean, I know I had symptoms as early as 2007 but it was kind of a trip to see it again. It was also a treat to re-read some goals and dreams I carried even 10 years ago. It's ironic but the other day I suddenly had the urge to buy yellow paint. Now, I am not an artist by any means. My ability goes as far as stick figures and even that is iffy business. But this urge, this desire to just get a canvas and go crazy came alive. Yesterday I saw the breathings of my heart scattered on loose sheets of paper and I found a page from 2002 (I was 22) that mentioned learning to paint. What?! I do not remember this. I also have an entry from 2007, sometime after my baby niece and nephew were born, saying that I would like to live in NC one day. How weird!!!! I remember emphatically stating that I would never live here, that my life was in CA. Ha! It reminds me so much that God knows the desires of our hearts even more then I ever could because He put them there. It makes me smile.
Add to that, my friend found some photos I apparently posted on some website between 2006-2008. For some reason I have no recollection of this at all and there are about 100 or so albums with sweet, sweet memories. I thought it would be painful to see them. Reminders of a past that I often times miss, but instead it felt like more of my hurt was being binded. In those photos I saw joy and life and it reminded me of who I am.
On a bad day I want to hide from the world. I want to become a recluse and stop trying. The exhaustion is too much, the pain is too much, I feel overwhelmed with people, giving counsel and receiving counsel, trying.
But a better day comes again and I remember....
I remember purpose. I remember vision. I remember:
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden." (Matthew 5:14)
and
"If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God." (1 Peter 3:13-18)
I remember my call. The higher call.
I'm not sure how I feel about Facebook. A part of me thinks it's evil and should be avoided at all costs. In my life anyway. Where I am at in life right now anyway. The other part of me knows what a valuable tool it has been these years, and rediscovering a part of myself still "alive" on the internet on that picture website last night was quite pleasing, to tell the truth.
It brought back who I am beneath this trial. It reminded me that the plans and the purposes God has for me are still in motion....
even when I have a bad day or two. ;)
