After dinner my parents and Aaron headed out back to have their cigarettes (I am allergic so there is no love lost here. Blech is my opinion.) and I stopped my adoration of the newly sprinkled blowing dandelions to come back inside. As a joke I pressed up against the window and gazed sadly as they all hung out. My dad laughed and had Aaron take a photo.
Last night I stopped taking Melatonin, which I have taken nightly for at least a year, maybe two. I heard from some friends that it is a hormone and so I did some Google searches and found out that with long-term use it could affect fertility, reproduction, etc. So this could be contributing to my lack of menses for 6 whole months. I have had insomnia even with the Melatonin for a few nights, so it's not like I will be missing out. It was a couple of nights ago when I lay awake until 8A.M., after having taken 7 (yup, 7) over the course of several hours, that I decided to just say screw it and try to start finding my own balance again. Let's face the facts, insomnia is a major part of Fibromyalgia. MAJOR. So is restless limbs. I lay awake last night, trying in vain to fall asleep, yet every single time I did, my legs and arms would jerk. It's so hard to explain, it's like bugs crawling inside the skin, and it feels suffocating at the same time. VERY dreadful and uncomfortable. So, that's where I am at right now. Attempting to find some balance without Melatonin.
I have also been feeling the springtime allergies, and the whole host of other symptoms that come along with this sickness. I have attempted some calls to nearby clinics to see about free services as I await the decision of my Medicaid/SSI/disability appeal.... and I realize how lucky I had it in California. Sure, social services was no picnic (ever), and all of that paperwork was exhausting, but I had FREE (completely free) emergency room services, doctors visits (allowing me to, after several months, have a GI, ob/gyn, ortho, dermatologist, and a primary- who yes, sucked, but I still had one), and prescriptions. Can't beat that! Of course, the Fibromyalgia clinic came out of pocket, as well as all of the supplements, but the other stuff being covered was such a huge blessing. Unless one is impregnated here you might as well curl up in a corner and wait it out, cause there is no special circumstance to be seen.
I've been feeling more in balance emotionally lately. I realize that SO many people I interact with on a regular basis are content to marinate in negativity. I'm not. I kind of settled into it for awhile because I was depressed... wait, did I just say was?! Either that was a slip of the keyboard tongue or perhaps I am moving on to a different stage of grief... and because I had absolutely no energy to try to be the positive one. Online yes, to others, sure. But for myself? Nope. I just felt defeated and overwhelmed. All of the stuff that hit from the end of 2009 to 2011... death of a loved one, losing my job, my car breaking, losing my identity to sickness, moving 3x in 2 months, all the drama with Mylie and the custody stuff, not being treated for Fibro, being poor, moving again but this time cross country... it really effed up my body and my spirit. It took at least 6 months to reach any sort of equilibrium after I got here, and it's not all roses and unicorns right now, but it is infinitely better then it was before. I'm even getting bubbly for the upcoming trip! :) Most importantly, my spirit is coming back. My center. My balance.
Know why?
Because God never let go of me. Not once. And I am so thankful.
Well, the limbs are starting to feel restless again. It really does feel so terrible. Maybe I'll take a quick, short walk to see if it helps.
<3 Peace and love, my friends.
