I miss blogging, but at the same time I don't want to put my whole life story out there anymore. I was very raw in sharing my Fibromyalgia experience for a long while, but eventually judgments and harsh words reminded me why I always wore my emotions close to the chest.

It is scary to trust people. Terrifying to be vulnerable at the risk of being rejected. Yet, that is what makes relationships worth it. What gives them meaning. The sharing and growing, crying, laughing, being gut deep real.

I feel lonely. Even surrounded by people, I feel alone. Being sick is not exactly crowd friendly. It is a solitary thing. A burden. One thing I can say with glee is that juicing for almost 2 months now has been a blessed thing. The miracle in wonderful fresh greens and slivers of fruit! It has made my skin hydrated, my energy levels are up, and I notice that although I still very obviously have pain and fatigue on the daily, I also seem to recoup faster. It has been so glorious to feel as if my insides are singing as I sip that nightly glass of juice. I have also cut out refined sugars and my stomach continues to reshape itself. I've lost inches and that progress has been very victorious.

Yesterday I had a random nosebleed while using the restroom at a Mexican restaurant. I cannot even remember when that happened last. Years and years ago for sure. I've stopped writing down my daily symptoms. There isn't really a purpose anymore. It's always some variation of the same symptoms that have debilitated me these last 4-5 years.

One thing that has been pleasant is the lift in depression. I did go through a very angry spell at the beginning of this year. The rage attacks were happening again, and it was quite discouraging. I thought I had it mastered, but it came flying out of nowhere. But, although I have my moods (of course), I haven't felt the stormy blackness in my soul for awhile now.

I hope eventually I can work again. I hope I can go to church regularly. I hope I can have social interactions. Looking back on these few years, it has all been layer after layer of progress. 2010 was darkness, and thinking I was crazy because I had no idea what was happening. 2011 was about letting go of my old life, and literally moving away from everything. 2012 was about rediscovering myself apart from ministry, church, being a spiritual mama and mentor. That was the year I started to get my groove back a bit. I started reading a lot more, going outside more... allowing myself to grieve and unearth buried pleasures in my spirit. I started to accept my "new" lifestyle. 2013 was the deepest depression, until Jeremy passed away and I flew by myself to California. That was a MAJOR accomplishment and gave me fresh hope. More acceptance. I don't know how many times I have went through the stages of grief!

Layer by layer God has been generous in showing me who I am apart from who I used to be, and apart from my illness. He is revealing who I am becoming. Who He has called me to be.

I am not certain what this year brings, but I am starting to believe in good things again. For a very long time it was consistent bad news. It was hard to climb out of that pit when more junk kept adding to the debris.

Lord, I give you my heart again.