From my journal entry on 11/21/10

What if I write down verses that encouraged me during seasons of my life- good and bad? Instead of dwelling on thoughts (unless it's particularly crucial) I write down ONLY what God is telling me? WOW. Wonderful thought. Much of what we write about is not necessary. A journal is not a place to record mistakes and hurts and every nitty gritty detail- it's a place to mark the pivotal instances/experiences in our lives.
It all of a sudden got freezing. Sitting out here at CP. I love how it feels- the air blowing around me like ice. It covers me in it's purity.
Before I burned all 85 of my journals in 2007, I used to write down so much junk. When I sat and re-read them I hated going back and reading about all of the things the Lord had set me free from. People say it's good and a time capsule of sorts, but it's not. It's like torturing yourself a second time to read fresh all the hurts. It takes a long time to heal emotionally and then when you go and read your own pain- your old woes- it's like ripping open the flesh and having to re-heal in a way. Not a good feeling at all.

Psalm 55
1-3 Open your ears, God, to my prayer; don't pretend you don't hear me knocking.
Come close and whisper your answer.
I really need you.
I shudder at the mean voice,
quail before the evil eye,
As they pile on the guilt,
stockpile angry slander.

4-8 My insides are turned inside out;
specters of death have me down.
I shake with fear,
I shudder from head to foot.
"Who will give me wings," I ask—
"wings like a dove?"
Get me out of here on dove wings;
I want some peace and quiet.
I want a walk in the country,
I want a cabin in the woods.
I'm desperate for a change
from rage and stormy weather.

9-11 Come down hard, Lord—slit their tongues.
I'm appalled how they've split the city
Into rival gangs
prowling the alleys
Day and night spoiling for a fight,
trash piled in the streets,
Even shopkeepers gouging and cheating
in broad daylight.

12-14 This isn't the neighborhood bully
mocking me—I could take that.
This isn't a foreign devil spitting
invective—I could tune that out.
It's you! We grew up together!
You! My best friend!
Those long hours of leisure as we walked
arm in arm, God a third party to our conversation.

15 Haul my betrayers off alive to hell—let them
experience the horror, let them
feel every desolate detail of a damned life.

16-19 I call to God;
God will help me.
At dusk, dawn, and noon I sigh
deep sighs—he hears, he rescues.
My life is well and whole, secure
in the middle of danger
Even while thousands
are lined up against me.
God hears it all, and from his judge's bench
puts them in their place.
But, set in their ways, they won't change;
they pay him no mind.

20-21 And this, my best friend, betrayed his best friends;
his life betrayed his word.
All my life I've been charmed by his speech,
never dreaming he'd turn on me.
His words, which were music to my ears,
turned to daggers in my heart.

22-23 Pile your troubles on God's shoulders—
he'll carry your load, he'll help you out.
He'll never let good people
topple into ruin.
But you, God, will throw the others
into a muddy bog,
Cut the lifespan of assassins
and traitors in half.
And I trust in you.

When we ask God to heal us- he does. IMMEDIATELY.
The moment our lips part and the first breath of our petition leaks from within He is already bringing thread through the muscle of our heart. Stitch by stitch until what we feel is distant. It hurts as He sews, but once we are all stitched up we begin to heal and soon enough it is only the scar that remains to remind us of the brokenness... just a reminder... to remind us of who we have become.


Today 11/23/10-

NOTE:
Being around high strung people makes me feel more anxious. I literally felt like "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Panic. It's too much. Especially in a car with a radio on. No bueno.

Today I had another series of Sacro-Iliac Joint Injections. It hurt so bad. I was gripping the "bed" as he stabbed me with several needles. I don't think one ever gets used to having their bare booty to the world (okay to a couple of medical personnel). The shot leaked and went all over my butt. It's pretty weird to have someone you don't know wiping your behind! ;)
Afterwards I stood up and almost passed out. I knew it was a bad fibro day as soon as I woke up, so having injections was not that grand. It never is, but on passable fibro days I can handle it. I was told to sit in recovery and eat Goldfish crackers and sip apple juice. I sat for a spell and when I got up my left leg felt like rubber. Still does. I go back in 2 weeks.

Worth mentioning:

The last 5 or 6 times I have had an elevated high blood pressure read. Hypertension runs on both sides of my family (both of my parents have high blood pressure) so I try to stay on the ball with that. I was told today that since I am at level 8-10 pain everyday that my blood pressure can spike up. I made an appointment with my primary to check on that.

Here have been my last 4 results from the pain management place (I don't have the other readings yet):

10/13/10- 138/102
11/03/10- 125/89
11/15/10- 130/84
11/24/10- 145/92

I REALLY MISS DRIVING. I don't have my own car anymore, and while I know it takes a lot of energy to drive, I also know I don't want to become one of those women who never drives anymore... ever. It really limits freedom. If I had a car I would never miss church. I would go back to corporate prayer every week. I know I would have limitations and that I could not go out all the time, let alone drive, but it would be nice to have some freedom every now and again.

I forgot to write about the support group I went to.
It was good to go and meet some other women going through this. However, they were all in their 50's, 60's, and 70's. We are all at different points of fibro. It was nice to talk with them and get some wisdom. While I was there I kept thinking about how I really feel that a SUPPORT group should be a safe place for people to share their hearts and not feel judged or misunderstood.
God has placed a burden on my heart to create my own support group that is based on Him. I feel pretty overwhelmed by the idea of starting one while so "under fibro" but I know He has placed that desire in me for a reason. I am praying about timing and meeting and even what to do during our meetings. I am just going to go for it. ;)

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
Galatians 5:13"


"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28-30

Current dominant symptoms TODAY:
NAUSEA
DIZZINESS
ALL OVER PAIN
HEADACHE
WEAK FEELING
CONFUSION
MEMORY LOSS
CONCENTRATION DIFFICULTIES
EXTREME FATIGUE
ANXIOUS
HOT FLASHES
DIARRHEA
NUMBNESS IN LEGS