So much to say...

I was feeling slightly better with the doxycycline.

Then Wednesday came and I knew something was going on again.

I could tell the nausea was intense, but I attributed that to the antibiotics and to the fibro. I usually have nausea but this is a different kind. It holds fast throughout the entire body and lingers around the throat. I feel like vomiting all of the time. Intensely.

I don't vomit though.

It's a teaser.

So I also mentioned in a prior blog that I also got a yeast infection. I could not go in to get an exam due to the menses. We looked up home remedies for a yeast infection and I actually tried apple cider vinegar. It burned and all, but it helped at first. By Saturday the pain was severe, and I was also itching like mad CRAZY. It was swollen and red and just a miserable evening.

I know my body so well. I told someone that I knew i had a yeast infection but I was almost positive I had a UTI.

I went in today and I do have BOTH. In fact, I have the pleasure (insert sarcasm) of having a kidney infection again. Super.

So I was put on MORE antibiotics to fight the kidney infection and Fluconazole for the yeast infection.

The kidney infection antibiotics WILL cause another yeast infection and so she also gave me another Fluconazole to combat the yeast to come.

Is this truly my life now?

My blood pressure is still slightly elevated. That makes about 7 or 8 visits to various doctors where my blood pressure has been high.

I also went to the clinic and requested copies of the labs I had done in November. I am out of range for Hemoglobin A1C- which has something to so with diabetes. Since diabetes and high blood pressure run in my family it has me concerned.

I am so... drained.

Today was long, but yesterday was worse. Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was crying, screaming, and not being rational at all. Not all day obviously, but during a discussion with someone about all of this. I'm freaking overwhelmed and I need to say so. I have moments every now and again like yesterday. Where the complete physical and mental breakdown of this vessel I inhabit comes out. I feel embarrassed to say so, but it's totally difficult. It seems every week I have a new part of me that falls apart. I was so in a rage that I tore up and threw out my bucket list, pictures that I had to motivate me towards my dreams, and special things I had written down pertaining to my life's goals and desires.

It's all up in the air.

I miss the Philippines, but will I have energy and health to ever go back?

I dream of living in Paris but will I be able to handle it?

And the list goes on and on...

I have a new life now. Learning how to live like this is a job. It's MY Job. I am discovering a new path.

The recent optimism, my desire to "come out of hiding" and be around people in a safe environment (not loud, not a party, not on someone else's turf but on mine where I can handle the lights, sounds, and area) is still alive. I have a fighter's spirit, but crying and processing is a huge part of emotional healing.

Meanwhile Mylie has been going through her own medical issues. A sinus infection, a yeast infection, strep throat, and now needs an inhaler for possible asthma. My poor precious.

I've been forgetting more frequently. I forget times, birthdays (unlike me), why I walked to the kitchen. I mess up when I spell and read out loud (for a writer and a book buff this is devastating).

BUT...

I am still alive.

I am living.

One day at a time. The process is absolutely grueling but I can do this. God is faithful. ALL the time He is good to me.

Things I am musing about:
-the antibiotics DID seem to aid in feeling better until the nausea blew into town.
-what's up with the continuous elevated blood pressure?
-what do the high glucose blood test results from may indicate? What about the current out of range Hemoglobin lab? Do I have diabetes or high blood pressure or both but the clinic is so janky that they don't pay attention (I think this is about 85% likely). I haven't even spoken with anyone regarding these labs FROM OVER A MONTH AGO!
-I tested positive then negative in the same week for an autoimmune disease back in May. I have been assuming it is due to fibro but fibro does not register in a blood test!
Also my inflammation rate has consistently rated high in labs and fibro would not affect that either.

I do not remember if I posted anything about a tiny, tiny mole I found behind my knee last week. It smeared blood and then got smaller. What is that about?

*Just got a phone call. The prescriptions I need are NOT covered by the establishment
I went to today so I have to pay $49 out of pocket.

I have no source of income. NONE.

It's my own fault for not remembering to reapply for CMSP.

FIBRO!


Also just noted that a new mole and a rash have appeared on my face.

What is happening????????????????????????