My mind is everywhere.

My primary nurse called and FINALLY gave me the results for the blood work done over a month ago. She told me that I am on my way to diabetes and that it's "not a big deal (sure lady cause it's not your body!) because diabetes is a road to New York and I am in Sacramento." Obviously she didn't mean literally, but come on. She will refer me to a nutritionist. I told her about the elevated blood pressure levels and she told me to keep a diary of them for a few weeks. Once CMSP kicks in again I will go see her (appointment in January) and we will "deal with it than." What every patient wants to hear. This morning I was told my 28 year old brother now has high blood pressure. Super. We are following both of our parents and a long list of family members on both sides. Groan.

The kidney infection is still present, but there is some relief. Honestly, a kidney infection is loads of pain, but this time it is small beans compared to fibro. It's almost like a vacation. SERIOUSLY. I can focus on this pain and not on the all consuming one. The trouble with this is that I am acting like my only setback is the kidney infection and that I will resume to normalcy after it is gone.

FAIL.

Current pain:
-Under right arm (hurts to raise up, etc.)
-IBS is intense today with mucous
-Recurrent hair irritation growth that produces a bump sometimes on my lower region filled with blood.
-Continued nausea
-Chest pains
-Last night beneath my right ankle it started to really hurt. REALLY. The floating bone and bad ankle is on my left, so this is new. It was fine this morning but after the movie it hurt worse then last night. Any pressure is unbearable.
-The rash on my chin is still there. Not bad at all, but there.
-Cramped legs (especially the right side).
-Cold hands, feet, and nose.

I also forgot to mention that it has started to HURT when my blood pressure is taken. The cuff is too tight for the fibro's liking. Also when they drew blood the tape around my arm left a bruise. It just gets better and better. ;)

I am finding a lot of blogs that make me feel less alone. I've been dealing a lot with anger. I can be fine and suddenly I erupt in a rage. It can be sounds, the way the jacket won't come off of the hanger. Yesterday I was fumbling around for my keys and could not find them in the black abyss that is a woman's purse. I started screaming and crying "why is everything so hard?"

I meant it.

I was feeling optimistic (still do) and to have the setbacks this week have definitely impacted my emotions. I am learning to stop feeling guilty for that. It is what it is. I have to go through this. A LOT of people are "stuffers." They pretend everything is always "fine" even if they feel horrendous inside. After years of living that way (until around 2005) I don't believe in that mess. BE HONEST.

I was watching the new flick "Tangled" today and there was a scene where Rapunzel finds a crown and as she holds it she feels like it belongs to her. I started to tear up. It made me think about how fibro has taken a lot from me (physically and mentally) and I have uttered the words "I feel like a prisoner!" on numerous occasions. As I thought of Rapunzel locked away in that place, yearning for life outside, I could commiserate with her plight. As she held up that crown I thought of my God who has a crown just for me. It is my place as a royal daughter of the King of Kings to live, to dance, to love. I don't have to be locked away. I can be free again and I can wear my crown. It's deep stuff.

Some cool things happened this week:
-I got the unexpected blessing of $50 for my prescriptions (since I have no coverage right now it"s out of pocket).
-Two of my dear friends surprised me with a check in the mail. It was much needed and such a lovely gift.