January 26, 2011
crum·my/ˈkrəmē/Adjective
1. Dirty, unpleasant, or of poor quality: "a crummy little room".
2. Unwell; ill: "I'm crummy and want to get better".
I'm in a mood. All sounds are making me want to scream.
I hate everyone and everything today. And if you are reading this and want to give me a lecture about how that is not Christ-like or that I "should" be this or that then do us both a favor and do not read this. Seriously.
I am in a horrible mood. I just snapped at my roommate and yelled at my best friend. I am in a horrible place. It's so hard to endure a day of simple chores and daily noise. The bathroom light that hums so loud, the numerous spills today, the way I keep fumbling on the keyboard, the way I am dropping everything, how my eyes are begging to close. Sweat builds as the heat from my anger comes over full force.
This life is hard.
I am tired of explaining and explaining and explaining.
**************************************************************************
I'm back. I had to take a break. A crying, "grr this is so freaking hard" break. Sometimes being sick is so entirely overwhelming that I feel I may just bust.
January 27, 2011
Yesterday went swimmingly until about 3:30p.m. when I could feel the fatigue settling over like a familiar blanket. Except it's not cozy, and it's not delightful. It's a pain. Literally. I apologized to my roommate, and to my best friend, and talked to Jesus about it. That helped. I also am trying to focus on the positives after I have a meltdown. A meltdown is good because it means I am processing and not burying the grief down anymore. It means I AM healing emotionally, and though I have a ways to go, I am definitely not standing still.
The week started off pretty grueling. I went to the ER on Sunday evening for continued pelvic pain. Once there I had another pelvic exam. It was more painful then usual with the vestibulitis, and when it was over I saw blood on the equipment.
Yes, I am bleeding from my cervix again. They could not tell me why (shocker), and all of the tests were negative. I yelped in pain as she pressed down on my pelvis and my stomach. I am still gigantic in that department. The inflammation only seems to be worse everyday. She told me to eat yogurt everyday to help fight against all of the antibiotics I've taken lately. It's called probiotics. I did not know we could grow yeast everywhere. I thought it was just a female issue. So she said eating yogurt and taking these probiotic supplements should help with the yeast overgrowth that may be happening.
At the ER I also had high blood pressure (again) but she said they don't count the blood pressures in the ER since we're in pain. Um okay. Since I have had slightly high ranges for months now I am pretty concerned. My primary doctor who is actually a nurse does absolutely nothing for me so I guess I will just enter into hypertension with no aid. The cuff hurt my arm very bad again, and also when they drew blood it left a bruise. Those 2 things serve only to remind me of how frail my skin and all has become.
The ER visit was not uneventful. I did get a referral for an ob/gyn through Sutter, but of course the doctor does not take CMSP, so I still have to go to the clinic. The ghetto, "oh patients get lost in the cracks here" clinic. The same clinic that NEVER gives me my test results until I have called numerous times over a span of weeks
Yeah that one.
I am concerned because of my cervical cancer growth past. It has not come back in almost 6 years, but somehow that doesn't comfort me now. I should not be bleeding every so often from my cervix. This has been going on since last April for pete's sake.
The good thing is that although the medical insurance I have now sucks, at least I have medical insurance for the time being. I was able to refill prescriptions and make appointments that I was supposed to have in December with my dermatologist, pain management doctor, and dentist.
I got a phone call from Planned Parenthood with some tests. She told me my cholesterol is a little high, as is my glucose. I knew that already but it was another reminder to start dealing with that. She told me to have a low cholesterol, no sugar, low carb diet. I was planning on it already, so that was the extra push I needed.
I used to eat that way, but then I got sick and all I seem to crave these days is salt and sugar. Primarily sugar. It's definitely a challenge to change my eating habits but I know it will help with the IBS and the acid reflux. I am supposed to exercise too, but since I can barely walk most days that will have to be a gradual thing. I tried yoga but my body is too inflammed. I don't know if that is due to the hip bursitis or the other unknown issues. On "good" days I do walk to the mailbox, and when it warms up I will utilize the pool again. For now my goal is to study each of the ailments I have and try to do what I can to make it better on my end. I have come to the conclusion that although I will go to see doctor's and get labs done and procedures, etc. that I am my only advocate for my own health. I must educate myself and do what I can to limit the pain. I don't like pills and all that anyway. I am more into natural remedies.
I do want to try this acupuncture place in San Francisco. A friend (www.chroniclesoffibro.blogspot.com) highly recommends it and says it helped a lot with fibromyalgia pain. I called a couple of times but no answer yet. I'm sure it's pricey so I more then likely will not be able to go, but it doesn't hurt to try. Speaking of which, I will be writing my sponsor letter this weekend for the Fibromyalgia Learning and Treatment Center.
I'm feeling pretty optimistic emotionally, and I am good spiritually. The enemy continues to taunt me with nightmares. I wake up drenched in sweat. I don't like that at all, but I cling to:
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, 0 LORD, make me dwell in safety. (Psalm 4:8)
Lately my feet and legs are always numb or aching. It feels like they are swollen but they aren't. Its the cold air. Not good for fibromyalgia. Yesterday was horrible. Today is more manageable. I slept a lot (of course waking up every few hours like usual but I was able to go back to sleep) for once and I plan to sleep a lot more today and tonight. I don't get replenished by sleep anymore, but it gives me a least a little zing to get through the day.
I am continuing to look for blessings in the small stuff. The small stuff is actually pretty huge. I was very dismal in emotion for a few months and to feel hope, to feel anything now is wonderful. Three lovely things happened yesterday. The first is that yesterday was the first day in weeks I was not nauseous. Amazing. The second was getting an email from someone I don't really know well yet. She is the sister in law of one of my best friends.
It made me cry. Thank you Kelly, and thank you Theresa for being a loyal, loving best friend. I appreciate you both.
The third lovely thing was finding out that my childhood best friend (since we were 12 years old) is sporting a Fibromyalgia Crusade key chain. I could not believe it. That is the most awesome thing ever. It's not about the fact that she bought the key chain (though that is so cool and if you are reading this it would be RAD if you sport one too), it's about being validated. It's knowing that someone else believes in this, believes in me. I am crying right now. It's such a lonely life- this fibromyalgia prison, and to know that I AM being supported and that fibromyalgia awareness IS increasing makes me feel like fighting that much harder. Thank you Monica. You will never know what that means to me.
All in all, I am doing what I can do each day. If it means I cry or yell or laugh outrageously. No matter what I am learning that I can do this... that I AM doing this. And that, my friends, is enough for now.
:)
P.S. Mylie has started to eat salame and cream cheese with me. She is astounding that four year old.
