ghast·ly (gstl)
adj. ghast·li·er, ghast·li·est
1. Inspiring shock, revulsion, or horror by or as if by suggesting death; terrifying: a ghastly murder.
2. Suggestive of or resembling ghosts.
3. Extremely unpleasant or bad: "in the most abominable passage of his ghastly little book" (Conor Cruise O'Brien).
4. Very serious or great: a ghastly error.
I think I am repressing things. I don't feel I am but then a night happens such as last night and I am not so sure anymore. Someone close to me complimented my appearance, but I immediately burst into tears. I knew... I KNEW... I looked like a beast. Sobs tore through me and a grief I haven't experienced yet came over me. My friend simply hugged me. He told me that I don't see myself accurately. I know he is right. I feel awful inside. Puffy, unappealing, gross, broken down (like a car)... so I assume I must display that on the outside. I don't feel like that a lot of the time but when I do I REALLY feel it.
I am battling with truth.
I KNOW I am not a beast. I KNOW that I am still me in there somewhere. I KNOW I WILL get through this, but geez Louise does it have to be SO very hard? The emotions come like a flood and before I know it I am blabbering like a mad woman. Things I don't even know I am feeling. I guess I am dealing with the grief as it comes. Day by day by day. It's the only thing I can do. This disease is so unpredictable. One day I feel confident again and full of life and hope. I make notes in my journal about the cozy cottage I want to live in someday with a huge comfy chair to read in, books scattered all over, hardly any possessions, no television, with my favorite quotes and scriptures painted all over the walls. I want my home to ooze of Jesus. To invite people into His presence. I have hope. Then the next day (or even the very next minute) I am crying or yelling or both and I can't seem to stop it.
People like to preach. I've found that out. People like to tell you what's what, even when they have no idea. It doesn't even have to be a believer. Everyone seems to have some sage wisdom that I simply must know. As if I am not proactive about my own health and need a little prodding to get better. Let me clear that up right now...
I AM PROACTIVE in a way you will not believe. We all are- those of us enduring this disease that cripples our entire being. We get up, we shower, we speak gaily with friends and family even though our hearts are racing, sweat is puddling beneath our sweaters, and we feel we may black out. We have the Thanksgiving turkey, we troop on and on and on to see doctor's who belittle us, we share our vulnerable hearts with people only to be judged for what WE are going through.
It's pretty brutal.
So I am proud as all heck to be a part of a movement(dare I say that?)that is putting a voice to our disease. I am honored to know and stand alongside these mighty warriors of fibromyalgia as we start letting the world know the truth about our battle. I believe The Fibromyalgia Crusade (www.fibromyalgiacrusade.com) is taking off and we WILL have victory. We will make our world aware of how debilitating this is, and we will keep marching on.
And as for me?
My pride would have me say I am fine, but that would be a lie. What I am is a work in progress. I am healing slowly emotionally. I am using my head to study all of my conditions. I am facing each fear realized and leaving it at the cross. I am changing, I am growing. I know I will make it. I know I will endure and find joy in the darkest of places because I belong to the One who brings light. I also know I must stop partnering with the lies. I have to stop claiming that "I am broken." That's just bunk.
I can do this. I am doing this.
But on the days when the tears flood and the confusion and anguish take over, I may need a gentle nudge. ;)
"A life compelled by the Holy Spirit cannot be stopped. Death may cause the body to cease from functioning, but the influence remains and may even intensify. Wow! Wooed by the Holy Spirit! Called by the Holy Spirit! And compelled by the Holy Spirit! Life is too short to not live with this compelling vision and tension. It is the tension of living by faith in Christ. Follow the Holy Spirit’s compelling lead. He is with you and for you. He is at your destination in His revealing power. Do not recoil from this rendezvous with radical faith and obedience!" (www.wisdomhunters.com)
