(lông'sŭf'ər-ĭng, lŏng'-)
adj.
Patiently enduring wrongs or difficulties.
I have wanted to write a blog for the last few days but somehow I could not muster up any energy to do so. It's the same today but I figure I should take advantage of some "alone" time to churn out what's been going on.
My mood has been irrational. My body has been see-sawing with the weather. During the day when the sun is shining and it's not so freezing I am able to walk to the mailbox and smile and read and exist without too much difficulty. However, as the afternoon fades to evening I feel the aches and pains settle and get comfortable all over my body. The fatigue is particularly relentless the last few days. I was moaning about why when I realized "well duh!" I usually don't go out except for a quick trip to Safeway or the library (if that)but this week I have had appointments and I've been walking to the mailbox a lot. That means I am extra tired.
Surprisingly it has not been as bad of a week as I anticipated as far as appointments. On Monday I went to see the ob/gyn and it was actually a positive experience. The woman who examined me was about my age (maybe off by a few years), she was filipino (I always feel comfortable with people who share that part of my culture. It reminds me of my Grandma rubbing white flower on my stomach as a little girl. I love being mixed because I get the best of two worlds. I love that where I come from houses a culture that is caring and takes care of each other. Being filipino means you have family in every other filipino person out there. ), and she treated me with respect and courtesy. A far cry from the norm of things.
She did the exam, told me that I have two benign epidermoid cysts. They should go away on their own. Other then that everything seemed good, aside from the fact that my cervix is still bleeding. I have another appointment on March 8th.
The next day I went back to the dermatologist and we reviewed the previous staph infections and the psoriasis on my knees and top of my feet. Since the triamcinolone is not working so much I had Narrow Band Ultra Light Treatment. A fancy way to say:
"Phototherapy or light therapy, involves exposing the skin to ultraviolet light on a regular basis and under medical supervision. Treatments are done in a doctor's office or psoriasis clinic or at home with phototherapy unit. The key to success with light therapy is consistency."
It's supposed to be good for the psoriasis. I will go back in one month for another treatment. It seems to have worked a bit. The skin is definitely more smooth.
I asked about the small pimple-esque thing on my chin and she said I have cherry angioma which is a noncancerous (benign) skin growth.
I just add it to the ever growing list and move on. Nothing else to do. This time I am glad it was not bad news. I can hang with benign growths and all that.
I've also been getting some sleep. Not the best sleep as I wake up drenched in sweat most nights or else absolutely freezing, but sleep nonetheless. My sister sent me some melatonin, so I have been taking one a night with my herbs and it helps. My best friend bought me a miracle ball @ Costco:
I haven't tried it yet, but someday soon I will attempt it. Thanks Monica!
So things have been... stable I guess. So why do I feel so edgy? Why was I so irrational last night? Why am I a giant mood swing ball barreling towards the innocent town below? Maybe because I found a lump near my thigh and bikini line. A lump, not a bump. A hard, painful bump beneath my skin. Great. Maybe because I am so darn tired I cannot see straight. Maybe because I NEED to drive a car. It's been almost 6 months (driving Aaron's to practice stick shift for 15 minutes doesn't count). I want to go to the beach so bad. I want to sit on the sand and watch the waves, smell the sea air, taste the salt on my hair. I want to wonder, to dream, to write. So I feel stuck. I feel happy at some times. I love hearing Mylie play in the tub. Her squeals of joy as she makes up stories for her bath toys. I am blessed by old friends who responded to my sponsor email, new friends that are fighting fibromyalgia too, the card Mylie made me when I was sad, the fact that my parents actually read my sponsor letter and life... sweet, sweet life.
When I was a little girl my mom used to comb my hair She'd fix it in barrettes. There was one hairstyle she'd do- a high ponytail on top of my head and 2 more scrunchies down the back. I wish she could do that now. So often I feel alone, no matter who is around me. I look in the mirror and I am astonished that I have lived all of the things I have. I was a little girl, a teenager, and I survived the craziness of my 20's. Now I am at this juncture in life. This is MY decade. Not too young, not too old. I always assumed 30's was THE decline, but I am starting to understand it's not even old.
I am a work in progress. I feel weak, but Christ is strong in me. I am learning that these moods are normal for what I am going through. I am starting to understand that I don't have to carry guilt...
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24
Each time I think I've got it, I realize I don't. I am humbled continually by my limitations. I am giving myself permission to cry, to wail, to be mad. I am mad. I am pissed actually. I accept my cup, but I also FEEL. Sometimes as a believer there is a glaze that we seem to pour over people's pain... prayer is a staple. I don't believe that. I believe prayer can break chains, free captives, heal physical bodies and emotional pains, move mountains. I don't appreciate or partner with glossing over brothers and sisters' struggles by telling them to "trust God." I sit here today saying you can trust God and still be afraid. Why is it so hard to admit our own weaknesses? I am guilty of that. Last night instead of saying "I am so depressed right now and I don't know how I am even breathing" I lashed into someone I love. I blamed, I criticized. I BELIEVED my feelings. I lost sight of truth. That's one of the crappiest things about this disease. The ability to get so lost inside our own feelings and pain.
Oh Lord, please fill me to the brim with your peace. Your perfect, steadfast peace. You cover me in your love and I run. Sometimes I am still so darn stubborn and I allow fear to blanket me. Let me stop running. Pin me to the spot. Wrestle me like Jacob.
"That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip."
Genesis 32:22-31
Let me be longsuffering, Lord. I am constantly wondering if I have Cancer. if the cells grew back and now it's in me. I worry about the way my left foot has only numbness and tingling on top. I worry about what new ailment will reveal itself. I feel like my entire being is under assault. I have stress and anxiety I am not even aware of. How can I feel happy and laugh and know, know, know in my spirit that this will ALL be made into something glorious ("beauty for ashes") and still have fears hiding inside? How much more will this break me? How much more can I endure? I cling to your promise:
Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
And still I am a yo yo with emotions. Oh Lord, oh Lord. I need you. I need your presence. I need your covering. Take these fears.
Its bittersweet to look at pictures of me as a child. When I was new and innocent and life was full of possibility. I wasn't sick. I could eat chocolate and run and play. I had stamina. I could stand to be around people. I had dreams.
I still dream. I dream of a cozy cottage, stacks of books everywhere, writing...
I dream of the Philippines...
I dream....
and my body holds me still.
Let me free of this binding, Lord. Let me move with ease again.
It's as if the woman I was last night is someone else entirely. Last night it was puffy eyes and numerous tears, and anger and guilt and frustration. Right now it's hopeful and sorry and loving.
I can't stand this cycle.
