I am feeling worse then usual.
IBS is kickin' full blast. My joints and limbs are extremely swollen and hurt supremely. I found out I have another chronic condition to add to my buffet called Vulvar Vestibulitis. I am so tired and in the middle of trying to get my food stamps re-approved and my free health coverage to go through. It's exhausting not having any consistent medical coverage especially being sick every darn day, and also having some new ailment every other week.
I'm thoroughly drained. This beast is dragging me all over the floor. Not literally but I feel so...
ugh.
The one great thing is that my emotions have settled down somewhat and the angry, screaming , hysterical woman I have been the last couple of months has calmed down and I feel peace again. I still get annoyed or frustrated or just plain sad (like the other day when I went to the clinic and was told 1.they have reached the end of the road with me and I need to see a specialist regarding the vestibulitis and 2. having to process the fact that there is yet another condition) but I am not reacting anymore. That's great because I really am not a fan of losing control of my emotions.
Luckily vestibulitis is not detrimental. It's very painful and embarrassing and frustrating as all heck, but I'll take it over PID like I had a few weeks ago. The next step with that situation is to see a regular OB/GYN as soon as CMSP is approved. I would like to get all new ultrasounds and vaginal ultrasounds again. It was last April that everything was normal, so we'll see what happens now. I am praying there was no damage done to my uterus and everything when I had the PID. Also I was given a number for a clinic in San Francisco that deals with the vestibulitis. The clinician told me I will need to deal specifically with that. I felt totally irritated when she looked at me and judged me. She told me that "sick people are hunched over and can't move." She also told me that I have to be patient with myself over the condition. How about when you have fibrofreakingmyalgia you never want to move and you would lay down and cry all dang day if it would do a lick of good. We are strong, us fibro fighters. We get up, we get dressed, we do things normal "sick" people whine about when they are ill, we troop along. We have days where earrings make a cameo and we even smile and laugh (shocker I know). And you know what? We do that all while we feel like dog dung.
I've been realizing how strong I am. Like really. Not in a vain way, but in a "wait a darn minute here. I am dealing with not 1 condition but several... at once... oh mylanta that's a huge deal." And I do it without pain meds. I had to give up the vicodin and the tramadol in July 2010 as I felt like absolute death when I took them. Even when I had all 4 wisdom teeth out in September I did it without pain pills. This is a huge revelation for me as I have been camping out on anger and helplessness and guilt for MONTHS. I am just now understanding the weight of what I am going through.
It's heavy. I have several debilitating things going on at once everyday. Fibromyalgia is the most consuming as it encompasses so many symptoms. It literally sucks the life out of me. But I also have IBS, vulvar vestibulitis, hip bursitis, dyshidrotic eczema, diagnosed with lumbar osteoarthritis (which I believe I was healed from last year), acid reflux, migraines, vertigo, elevated high blood pressure, recurrent kidney infections,the PID of last month,the BV of last month, yeast infections from the antibiotics, and the staph infection that just won't fully go away.
It's a lot to take in most times and honestly I feel I haven't fully processed the fibro because all the other things keep popping up. Three steps forward, two steps back... that's been the dance these last 12+ months.
I need time away from ME. ;) I need a vacation outside of this body so I can actually rest. I want to get a full night of sleep, not be on the toilet so many times a day, not feel so cold all of the time, not have to apply and reapply and stress for rides and have the huge list of fibro complaints that I do.
Right now I've got to go. There's 800 things clamoring for my attention and it's taking everything I have to muster the energy for a shower.
<3
