I took a silly quiz. I don't believe in them, but this particular paragraph in my results struck a chord. I AM massively, hugely, overwhelmingly stressed out. Way out. There is too much going on externally as well as the internal daily struggle that my body fights with my illness. I lost it yesterday. We were in the car on the way to eat dinner and I was in a delightful mood. Suddenly I was yelling and crying and feeling overwhelmed. I yelled at my darling best friend and spouted off so many horrific things. All I could feel was pain. The fibromyalgia but also the ear ache and sinus pressure that has been over me the last 2 days. I am also in PMS mode 2011. So I was a loony bin for about 15 minutes. I couldn't stop. And then it was over. I put on a wan smile and went to Red Lobster to celebrate my mom's birthday.
I always feel so guilty. I am discovering more that I may be repressing my own emotional healing. What is it that makes us so afraid to be broken? To admit brokenness? I don't want to stay broken but I want to be able to admit that I am drowning in spiritual warfare here. It's almost like once you're healed... you go to the Life Change Retreat and you are a leader for youth and suddenly you're not allowed to be human anymore. You're supposed to have suddenly become completely whole, completely healed from anything ever again.
That is not reality.
Reality is that life still occurs. More people will hurt us, we will hurt others, we will go through devastating times that test the very core of our love walk with God.
I am in such a crucible. So often we talk about the healing and favor of God, but we don't allow honesty for what it takes to bring us to those very deep places with Him. We don't always allow the process.
I speak this because I am experiencing it right now. There is no pause button. There is no time to collect my thoughts and then parade them around like a super Christian. There is only the pain and the trial. Just as there are wonderful, amazing people of Light that have stood beside me and prayed for me, there have been others who have written me off. I now understand that this is about me and God.
So I ask you God, WHAT are you changing in me? I asked you to take my life. ALL of it. I asked you to give me your heart. To make me love you more than anyone or anything in the world, and now you are giving me that. Why does it hurt so bad? I think of you hanging on that cross. Your blood dripping, pouring and how you had mercy until the very end. You loved me before I ever took my first breath. You made my hands, my feet, my heart. You answer my cries to you. You soothe me and heal me and make me new every day... and still I wonder why this is all happening. Not just me. Not just my sickness, but what is happening to the people I love all around me. All of the broken cries of the people dealing with divorce, depression, acts of violence, Cancer, etc. I know you are good. I know you are so faithful. I know, I know, I know... but I feel.... and it's tearing me down.
When I see all of the pain I want so much to take it away. Is that the issue? Am I trying to play God? Am I trying to take on burdens too big for me to carry? I know I am not being honest with my health. I am way sicker then I portray. I smile and laugh and push myself, but I have also grown and erected boundaries that were not in place even a month ago.
So where do we go from here, Papa? Tell me. Show me. This is the realest real it can ever get. Just me and you. No fancy church building with instruments and other believers to surround me. This is me and you, here and now in a sunny bedroom on a random Tuesday.
This is all so beyond my capabilities. I thank you that you trust me and love me enough to handle these things, but God I am breaking beneath the weight. You never give me more then I can handle. I can't handle it anymore, God.
I don't know what it means to rest. I don't know what it means to take care of myself. I keep hitting this point where I am crushed beneath the weight of these troubles.
I am no martyr. You know my every sin, my every mistake. You know when I am acting in my flesh and when I am selfish. But I feel so much. I care too much. I am bombarded with the feelings of everyone around me.
How can I love and be invested without getting too involved? My heart is involved, Lord.
Physically I am crumbling. The fibromyalgia is wearing and tearing and taking what it wants. Now I have a sinus infection and need ankle surgery. The little child I love more then anything is in turmoil because of what happened to her. I don't know what to do.
So, I look up. I am deciding right now that I trust you even still. I believe you. I know that: For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all (2 Cor. 4:17). You are good. You are in this thing.
1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
My hope is draining, my spirit is frittered. I am in pieces before you. I yearn to wail and weep and give in to the darkness closing in. It seems easier. To stop feeling so much pain, to stop witnessing all of these travesties. BUT my hope is in YOU and you NEVER fail me. Holy Spirit, come. Holy Spirit, come.
Let me know again the beauty of your death on the cross. Let me be made new and alive in you once again. Come into my heart and my spirit. Breathe new life into cold bones and tired spaces. I am waiting.
This was my quiz result and I am considering it a prescription: "Current situations have left her feeling overwhelmed and tormented. Needs to avoid further activity or demands and concentrate on relaxing and becoming emotionally sound."
