A lot has gone on lately. I don't even really feel like writing. Some things have been amazing and wonderful- such as attending the annual youth conference at church with 3 of my very favorite teenage girls. God spoke to my heart so much during the conference. I got prophesied over for the 4th (I think) time in my life and God had some confirming things to speak into my spirit. I will expand on that more later. Right now it's between me and Jesus and I'm still praying on everything. Other things have not felt so wonderful.
I don't even remember what I've updated until so I'll just start by saying I had the MRI for my left ankle yesterday. It went well, and I have a follow-up with the ortho doctor on Monday. I guess I will find out if I definitely need surgery.
Last night I was sitting outside on my ottoman chair. It was cold, but I was fine. I noticed my back was on fire, which is not unusual, so I hunched over and kind of folded into myself to try to release some of the pain. I sat like that for about 5-10 minutes, and when I tried to move I realized I was "locked" in place. My fingers were bent and my hands interlaced with one another. It felt like a vise of pain was gripping me from the entire back (hunched over), elbows, arms, hands, and fingers. I was literally stuck. I kept telling myself I could move and was trying to force my fingers to uncurl. As they slowly unbent it felt like they were being ripped off. I had to stop. I was howling in pain.
I sat like that for a good 15-20 minutes. The pizza delivery guy came and dropped off my parents' order. It was beyond embarrassing. I could not move at all. He stopped and asked me if I was alright....
No, I was not.
Finally I could move just a little. My fingers uncurled super slowly and then I was able to sit up. I have absolutely no idea what happened, but it was pretty scary. It's never happened before, but I definitely could not move.
I'm not in the mood to do any of this, but who ever is? I don't feel like going to appointments, and possibly getting surgery, and I am not ready for my parents to go back to NC next Wednesday.
I feel like there is so much going on. NO, there IS so much going on that I cannot stand it. This afternoon I sat in the closet and just sulked to God. I feel tormented by things going on that I have no control over. A dear wonderful friend of mine is going through some major stuff and all I could do was cry and beg God for His intervention. She is a faithful woman of the Lord and I know she trusts God, but I am angry FOR her. But God is her comforter and her deliverer. I must remember this and claim it for her life.
I am thankful for wonderful people and glorious creation. I have seen the heart of God displayed in so many ways over these months, and it is quite astounding. I sit here feeling like my heart is bleeding for these things around me that are so broken and sad, and realize that God's heart is so much more grieved then I could ever possibly understand.
Sometimes life is approached methodically, but there are so many twists and turns I cannot fathom how anyone could live like that. There is so much more freedom in allowing even the unlovely things in life to alter our course. God is dancing over us even as we mourn, and to trust that unwaveringly is the ONLY way I have ever gotten through this past year.
I am shocked that it is already March. Life is happening all around us. It's breathtaking and shocking and heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I don't want to just watch, I want to thrive in the excellence of creation.
I have been getting anxiety attacks and chest pains ever since that first night the police came a couple of weeks ago. I worry. I wonder if going to the Treatment Center next Monday is going to disappoint me. I wonder what is to come in the months ahead. I do not want surgery. I do not want to go in for the light therapy for psoriasis tomorrow. I don't want to see the ob/gyn next week and continue to investigate my mysterious cervical bleeding. I don't want to do any of it.
I just want to sit somewhere beautiful and rest in the love of Jesus.
I am resting. I am waiting. I am believing. I am not ashamed or sorry for being sad. It happens. I have let go of that attitude that says we have to have it together. That's not humility, that's ego. That's pride. I am admitting I am confused, and sad. I don't ever want to come to a place in life where I feel I have "arrived" and no longer need grace and mercy. I do not ever want to be the super Christian woman who never shows MY needs. I've lived that way for a long time. I leave it now.
There is a struggle everyday. Heart and head. Fibromyalgia is real and crippling and all consuming, and I am done fighting for awhile.
I am resting.