I love the rain pouring down. I wrote that last night too, but today it sounds so darn pleasant. I have the window open and it's this pure, steady stream.

Beautiful.

I made the choice to stay home this morning. I feel proud of that. It wasn't easy. I literally chewed on making that decision for hours. I hate letting people down. I actually DO want to be there for the people I love.

I don't ever want to be a flake. When I give my word it is solid. At least it used to be. Now I get that I don't have to give my word. For awhile, as I figure this out, I get to just stop. That huge flashing STOP sign in my head the other day in prayer... perhaps it meant more then I thought.

I am not a flake.

I live in a "maybe" world. Maybe I can make it. Maybe I'll feel good. Maybe I can talk on the phone today. Maybe I can walk to the mailbox. Maybe I'll make it to church. Maybe I can sit through a movie.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

And that's okay!

If anything this illness is teaching me to love myself just a little more, pay attention to my needs a little more,to just relax and let it be.

I struggled so hard against that when I first got sick, and over time it has gotten easier to implement. It's still not easy, but everyday brings me closer to understanding completely that as much as I want to be there for others, I have to be there for myself too.

The world will not fall apart if I am not at an event. The world will not fall apart if I turn off my cell phone. The world will not fall apart if I am not the "perfect" friend. How arrogant of me to act as if I am on demand. Many times it has felt like it over the years and I played that role perfectly. I lived "on demand." How unhealthy! Look where it has led me. So many ailments and the inability to control my response to stress- the blood pressure sky rockets and I get all this anxiety and chest pains. Is it worth it? No way.

Perhaps being a good friend means that I finally establish those boundaries I've always hesitated to erect. Even typing that causes the familiar pang of anxiety in my chest. Why is it so difficult? It feels like I am losing something, which is completely ridiculous because boundaries will be a GREAT thing.

I guess...

I know...

it's because this is more then about erecting boundaries. That is the majority, but a part of setting these boundaries means that I am accepting just a little bit more the reality of my "new" lifestyle. It means I let go a little bit more to the person I was and open up to this me that I am now.

It scares me. It's like a freefall.

How can it be so scary? With fibromyalgia it feels like I am constantly accepting it all over. One day I feel "okay" and so I think maybe it's not that bad. Maybe this last year and a half was a fluke and suddenly I am healthy again! Hope rises and swells.

Then.... CRASH.

Reality comes.

I have hope to be healed.

I am excited by the slight progress in just the week and a half on these supplements.

Yet, I am also scared.

I feel myself letting go in a brand new way. Of people, of ideas, of things I've lived 30 years believing and operating in.

To not be there for others scares me.

To not be there for myself scares me more.

I've neglected myself for too long.

Now it's my turn.

And so here I go...

I am jumping.