I miss the kids I used to interact with everyday. I miss working. I was musing on all of the jobs I have ever had and wrote them down. I realize that although I have always loved children, the years between 2003 to the present has been a season in which God has expanded and truly equipped me with His strength and love for kids. I worked in retail and climbed up corporate ladders so easily but it led to nothing. I was never happy doing that. I had fun in my teens and early 20's @ jobs meeting friends, forming bonds that feel they will be absolutely forever (except for a few they aren't), and wasting money as fast as I made it. The start of Maddison getting her very first job has me reflecting on my own past. I cannot believe these girls are no longer children. They are starting to drive, having jobs, and becoming truly great women. I am proud of them. I remember skinny limbs, braces, Simonne not even having a full set of teeth, and the girls they were at a mere 11 years old. Now they are 15 and 16. I think about what I was doing at 16 and I pray, pray, pray their protection and purity and joy. I am thankful that a couple of them know Jesus and love Him. In 2 short years these babes will graduate high school and move on into the "real world."

Wow.

Pre-fibromyalgia my life was so full. I had the amazing privilege of caring for a little team of terrific children. It actually started back in 2003 when the Lord placed on my heart the desire to bless other families by volunteering to watch children for free on the weekends. A few dedicated friends and I launched our Babysitting Ministry through our weekly church bulletin, we set out clipboards (fancy I know) in the foyer and we're truly blessed as we began to meet some wonderful families through what the Lord had called us to do.

During that time I was also deeply connected with someone who was my mentor at the time and I offered to watch her daughter weekly so that Rach could have some down time. When she had her second daughter it expanded to both little joys, and they became my "Goobs." It was a glorious time. We also had another mentor who had 3 kids at the time and one on the way. We had tons of fun with that clan in Green Valley. Pizza, playtime, and just the joy of kiddies. It was a ball!

I look back and I see how God implanted that desire so deep into my heart back then... way before even, and how He prepped me from 2003-2005 for the ministry He was going to pour onto my lap in great love in 2006. I continued to watch various children from different families, never charging. It was a blessing to bless. Honestly I felt I was blessed more. Is that crazy??? God is pretty fun so I guess that's how it worked out. :)

I was also in school at the time and super involved with the college group through my old church. In 2005 a friend of mine offered me her nanny job for 2 kids in Green Valley. It was just for the summer but it was pretty fun. This time I got paid and I enjoyed that brief season to connect with those 2 children. Eventually it was time to move on. I continued to take classes, and then in late 2005 my best friend Monica offered me a one day a week job taking care of 2 kids in American Canyon. She had been filling in for her sister who had gone back to college.

This begins the most wonderful time of my life thus far. I started taking care of Haley and Georgie on Fridays. They were great kids (still are)from the start. I can still remember my first day- the 3 of us singing "Go Tell It On The Mountain" and Georgie peeing on my jeans when I was changing his diaper. LOL.

By 2006 I was asked to start taking them to daycare and Kindergarden, pick them up, and hang out with them until their mom came home from work. Around that same time I discovered that their neighbor's were actually MY old neighbor's from when I was a child in Daly City. My mom and the mom next door had been best friends! Talk about God's plan.

Soon after the discovery of the next door connection, the mom died. My mom's friend died. :( God told me to offer to take care of their 11 year old daughter, Simonne. I didn't want to charge, but Dan (the father) wouldn't hear of it. He offered me a salary and there we were Haley, Georgie, and Simonne.

Around the same time Haley's classmate (Taylor) needed some daycare as well, so a couple of days a week she came home from school with us. Wednesdays were minimum days so we'd grab lunch and then take the younger girls to their swimming lessons. My friend (at the time)had just had a baby and their daycare plans fell through so I offered to care for the baby as well.

My little army. ;)

We were a well oiled machine. Dentist appointments, doctors appointments, parent days at the middle school, piano lesson, ballet lessons, Christmas breaks, holidays from school, birthday parties, field trips even (where we got lost but eventually found our way), gymnastics, swimming lessons, etc. There they ranged from 2 months to 11 years old. The older helped the younger. They were all like siblings. It was a grand time. Every Friday after school was "Jamba day!" and on rainy days we all got a hot chocolate from Starbucks.

Around that time my parents were moving to NC and so I moved in with the baby's (Mylie) parents. It all ran great. I paid rent at first but after speaking with my other employer's they educated me that since I was providing free daycare from 6am to 6pm every day that I should not be paying anything. Every morning I would leave at 6:45am and return home late in the evening. I worked hard. I worked a lot.

Through that time I was challenged daily. I was encouraged beyond all belief. These kids were amazing. Simonne and I grew very close and often times her friends would join us. Maddison and April quickly became a part of "the crew." They started attending church and youth group with us, and then came to accept Christ as their Savior. They started volunteering in the church nursery until last year when they both got on the cheer squad and life got so busy. Simonne's dad passed away last May and she was forced to move to Burlingame so her older sister could take care of her.

There is another girl who became a part of our little team. Her name is Jenna and I was only able to be a regular part of her life for a short while. I want to say I took her on in 2008. The girls would always tell me they hoped I didn't ever get married because I wouldn't love them anymore. I would laugh because I loved my job so much it wasn't even ike a job at all. There was no way I was going anywhere.

And then I got sick. Slowly. In 2008 I started having migraines and Vertigo. Then chest pains and palpitations. I was exhausted all of the time, but I thought it was because of the insane amount of hours I worked. By that dreadful time in November of 2009 I was told to quit my job by the first doctor who diagnosed the kidney infection and lumbar osteoarthritis. He told me to "find a new profession." At the time I was starting to get really sick and I was so discouraged. I NOW know that was a huge lie set up by the enemy.

I break that off right now in the name of Jesus.

I did stop working outside of the home. I paid heed to my failing health. BUT I never stopped taking care of Mylie. In fact the load increased all the more when her mom left her. I work my tail off and I am capable. I was called behind my back "unfit" because of my fibromyalgia. At first I was hurt. I sobbed. There are a dozen things I could say to retaliate or prove how wrong you are. How much you've lied and how you are still deceiving the people in your life, but I won't. I won't because somewhere underneath all of that YUCK you are acting in right now is the person I once considered my sister. I want you to be better. I want you to stop lying to people. I want you to get healed. I feel sorry for you. I don't know why you are doing what you are doing but the Lord reminds me daily that it is not my battle. It is His. In fact I thank you betrayer, because you have shown me what lie I've partnered with for over a year. I AM CAPABLE. I am not weak, I am made strong in Christ. I am not lazy. I work hard raising a child that is not of my own flesh. I raise her as my own because you don't. You never did. I am getting better. Fibromyalgia is hard. It makes a person want to not fight back, but I am fighting back and kicking some booty doing it! I may not be working in some retail job or in some business office, but I am serving God with all that I do with what He has given me each and everyday.

Today one little boy started to tell me about his 2 missing teeth, and another showed me the charm hanging from his backpack. It gave me GREAT joy! It reminded me how passionate I am about seeing God change the lives of people, but especially of children. It gave me enthusiasm for the next season. It gave me hope. A fresh desire for my calling stirred up in my heart and in my Spirit. The devil has tried for so long to get me to neglect the promises of God, to get me to believe that I will never be able to impact the Kingdom with this illness. Oh, what a lie! A delicious tasty lie made up by the creator of doubt and turmoil.

I will NEVER give up my hope. I will NEVER go against the plans of Jesus. I will NEVER stop sharing my heart with people.

Jesus, thank you for fibromyalgia. Thank you for enemies that bring out the worst in me so that you can make the best in me. Thank you that you make me strong everyday. Thank you that it is your strength alone that I find my will to exist. Thank you for all of the children you have loved on and allowed me to love. Thank you for every ballet recital, every argument with Simonne, every request for help with homework, every everything. Thank you for planting seeds in these lives so that they may plant even more seeds wherever you send them. Thank you for these little marchers of your Kingdom's cause.

God...

God...

God...

I am overwhelmed by you. Your blood covers ALL. You are good, you are beautiful, and you are FAITHFUL!

Thank you for sparking new hope in my heart. I WILL live my life. I am learning boundaries, I am being purged, I am imperfect galore... but YOU, my precious Jesus.... you are blessing me through this disease in ways I never would think possible.

Oh, how I love you.

You have called me to children. To speak life and truth into their spirits. Ignite them, Oh Lord. Power, victory, JOY!

Release your power, Oh sweet savior.

<3