He will have no fear of bad news: his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear: in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
Psalm 112:7


I am 30 years old. I have been through a lot of unpleasant things in my short time here, including sickness and hardship. I have experienced actual poverty. I have seen the bad and I have cried out to Papa in sobs and groans only discerned by His Spirit. I have struggled against the burdens I see, the ones I carry, and the ones that have felt too big to hold. When I was 17 I lost a child. That did quite a number on my soul. The heart of a child cannot bear with the grief of losing a child. I lost myself the day I lost my child and I stumbled in some murky waters for years. Much like the Israelites taking 40 years to get out of the desert, I have made my way around some familiar mountains again and again. I made unhealthy decisions regarding relationships- dating someone who verbally thrashed me and shook out every ounce of respect I had for myself. I had a season of rebellion where I thought I was oh so happy, but all the while it was a lie. I followed a path rich with shortcuts. I worked hard at jobs I didn't love. Making good money but not feeling content. I settled in dating relationships because I didn't know how worthy I was. I stumbled.

And then one day I began to ache for something. There was a hole inside. And then I met Jesus. Beautiful, fierce, determined in His pursuit of me. I met Him one night sitting on my bedroom floor, felt His rush of love, heard the roar of His presence come and settle over me. I don't remember the day or the time except that I was 21 years old. I remember it felt like falling in love. Like the way your heart beats fast when the boy you like passes you in the hall at school. I felt alive. I was eager to soak in that radiant love.

But I still tried to have it my own way. I didn't fully understand grace. I didn't know it was free. I didn't know I could know Jesus and still carry my own burdens. So I just kept carrying them and not understanding I could LAY THEM DOWN.

One evening ears ago I got into a conversation with a man of God who I fully respect. He explained to me about the grace. He looked me in my eyes and he apologized on behalf of every man that had ever hurt me. He cried and I could see the depth of his brotherly love. It touched my core. That conversation changed my life. It set me on the course to run hard after a Savior who chose me and loves me with all of my flaws and all.

Healing didn't happen overnight. I asked for it and over a period of months the Lord started to shift things in my little life. He gave me peace where there had been turmoil, He gave me strength where there had been weariness, and He restored to my life JOY.

How did I live without joy for so long?

On a flight home from North Carolina years ago the Lord poured over me "healing rain." I was sitting there, and months had gone by. Numerous things had come out of my spirit and come anew in Christ, and on this very day something glorious poured out in the atmosphere and came over me in such a way that I knew I was free. Fully free.

It was no coincidence then that after driving home from the airport that same day I saw the man who had tormented me verbally for years. I caught sight of him as I was at a stoplight. I felt my heart race. I knew it was time to face my tormentor. I drove to where he was working at a car wash. He saw me, we made small polite conversation and he gave me the car wash for free. I drove away liberated. Free from the chains that had held me since I was 17 years old, free in a way I had never experienced.

The bondage was broken.

And ever since then there have been numerous trials. Some big, some small. Each time I have a choice. Am I going to give in to my feelings or am I going to give in to Jesus?

There is so much heartbreak all over the world. I have seen only a tiny percent of it. I hear of people I love going through divorce, illness, infertility, tragedy, mental illness, abuse.... the list goes on and on. It is scary and overwhelming and so heartbreaking. Sometimes all I can feel is that hurt. The people all around me and me myself being bounced around in an ocean too vast to stay afloat.

And I have to make that decision. Every single time.

When I got sick, as I continue to be sick, as I watch people's lives torn apart by a wild enemy on the prowl.

I am 30 years old. I have to make a decision every single day. I may not always like the answer I get when I pray, but my prayers ARE answered. There is a God bigger then me that has ALL of this in His hands. It's not just a pretty story told to comfort someone on their deathbed, and heaven is not just a delightful story for children.

My God is a righteous God. He is fair and just. His ways are never crooked. He knows every step I take. He defends those that are His. He see's the oppressed, the stressed, the down and out.He also see's the smiles and the laughter and the joy.

So I say that whether I am playing in an ocean or drowning in it I shall choose always my Jesus.

He is my healer, my redeemer, my everything.

As tragedy befalls, as hearts break, as life disappoints I look UP.

Psalm 30:1-3
I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.


There is a purpose, there is victory. Though it seems the enemy has the upper hand I know that God is still in control. He is still pushing us to victory and He is still faithful even in my doubts.

Oh precious Papa
reveal your heart to me.
Show me how to love like you do all the more
even as my own weary spirit desires to fall beneath the weight.
These burdens are not my own to carry. I shall bring them to you and leave them there for I can trust you more then my own self.

Let this heart that breaks be full of your wisdom and joy.
Bring forth the strength you have deposited within me and let me rely wholly upon thee for my every fear.

You alone are good, and you alone are worthy. I sit before you, once again humbled by your provision. Though I am poor you provide my basic needs every single day. My head always has a place to lay at night, my belly always full from the rations. I have clothes on my back and shoes on my feet and I have the love of a child. What more do I need?

Let me ever, always look to you.