Last Friday I woke up early and we drove to El Cerito for the root canal. It was a pleasant day. The sun was shining, the leaves swayed gently outside of the window, the violin shop across the street showed a man cleaning a violin, and the women handling my mouth were very gracious and kind. It hurt only when the injections went into my mouth to numb me up. The actual root canal was no bother at all. Now I await approval via CMSP for a crown (could take up to 6-8 weeks) and after some time if those back teeth still bother me I may need another root canal. Meanwhile I have reapplied for CMSP (free medical insurance)as mine is over at the end of May. So I am praying a speedy application process and approval so I will not have a lapse in medication or treatments while not having insurance.

The plan for the rest of the afternoon was rest. We stopped at the library and grabbed some movies and headed home. We settled in to rest- tired and so ready to just have down time. Just then I received a phone call and a family member needed some help. Her car broke down and she needed a ride to work about 45-60 minutes away, and then a ride home later that evening at 11pm.

We decided this was an unexpected opportunity for an adventure. I decided that at least. So off we went, and then we came home, took a nap, and then went back to pick her up. It was a pretty long day, but there was so much beauty along the highway. The flowers, trees, and everything kept making my heart so happy. That night I collapsed into slumber and the next morning woke up for another drive. My family member needed another ride to and from work.

It was a nice day again and we decided to stay on that side instead of attempting to drive all the way back home, drive to Vacaville for church, and then drive back to Larkspur late that evening. We didn't want to waste gas and we were also both very tired. We decided to take a detour to the beach after we dropped my family member off at work.

I love the beach so much and vow every year to go more then once, but things happen. Cars break, timing is off, etc. That Saturday we picked a spot near the restroom and hunkered down to enjoy the breeze and sea salt air. After about 2 hours of sitting on the sand I started to feel it....

FLARE.

I don't really go out much anymore. I go to appointments, take Mylie to school, the grocery store, church, the occasional movie, or to the library. This once social butterfly now stays home 80% of the time. So to be in a car for hours, to sit on a cold beach for even 2 hours, to be lacking sleep, not to mention the emotional turmoil impressed on my heart whilst people I love are going through hard times... varying from car trouble to almost losing their life to infertility to petty family drama (mine) to custody issues to brain cysts... it all adds up and then hits at once.

BAM.

The treatments at the fibro center have helped immensely. I feel fortunate and blessed to have found a doctor (2 actually) that teats my specific disease and who has helped unlock the mystery that was and give me names to go with my conditions. I am on supplements to rebuild my immune system, on prescription medications to help my heart and my thyroid, etc. I have gained more energy in the last few weeks, but I have also remembered over and over that I must take this easy. My recovery is not going to happen overnight and every single time I try to steamroll ahead and act in accordance with the day's energy I end up crashing and burning. Oh, I have definitely gotten better at pacing and at treating myself better. Putting myself ahead of the to-do's and expectations for once in my life, and still it is a slow climb up this mountain.

Let's go back to Saturday night. So we left the beach and still had 4 or 5 hours until we had to pick my family member. I was drained. Absolutely. We ended up going to a Borders that was closing for good- spent about 10 minutes in there before it got boring, and then we ended up at a whole foods type store where I found a dark chocolate bar with bacon inside (I cheated and had some sugar and it was divine!) and some delicious water with a strawberry hint. Not like flavored water, but as if the strawberries had been marinating in the water like lemons. Very cool. We got to my family member's work early and hung out in the patients' dining area. I love places like that at night- such as hospitals when no one is there or airports. It's one of my most favorite things. Well by 11pm I was so in a flare, my mood was edgy and I just wanted to be home in bed. I was not all that pleasant and got a little snappish.

When we dropped off my family member and got home we were suddenly in a fight. An all night affair that was a complete waste of time. Two exhausted people- one of them seriously sick- and a whole mess of words. The enemy was seriously trying to get me down! I mean all of these horrible things were spoken into my spirit and it's pretty hard to not feel the poison of those words. Apologies were issued, and there is a genuine contrite heart... the Lord knows I am imperfect for sure, but I really felt attacked and my self esteem (which is already fragile these days it seems) took quite the hit.

So all night was spent in a snit, and then Sunday came and went. No recovery for the fibromyalgia. Then came Monday and the routine. I was out all afternoon doing errands with another family member, taking Mylie to school and picking her up (having her home was the best part of all of this), and then we watched HOP at the movie theatre. I was so tired but it was the only day we could do it since she had to leave again so soon. After the movie we waited for our ride and ran a quick errand. Truthfully I just wanted to go home and have no idea how I made it through that day, but I needed to get my medication.

I was in the store (which is tiny)and there was LOUD music playing. Sounds, especially music on blast like that really makes my nerves fray instantly. I lose the ability to concentrate, to function almost. So the music was blaring, I had to choose my medication, other customers made idle chit chat with me, the sales guy kept a stream of chatter- which I'd been able to handle before until the very end when the music had got to me- and I was just not having any flirty banter at all on this occasion. I felt like I was trapped. The sensory overload was too much, too much. I started shaking. Hands gripping the counter, shaking as I fumbled to find my wallet, trying to concentrate and calculate money in my head, and still trying to act normal. I felt so embarrassed because the hysteria was rising and rising inside Even now as I write this I feel my chest tighten. I was so scared. I don't know what happened except I was terrified. Sheer terror. I felt like if I did not leave immediately that I would surely die. I leaned over and told the guy I had to get out of there now. He understood as he had shared on the last visit that he suffers from extreme anxiety. I was trembling as I walked out and felt like I was definitely dying. My chest was too tight, my limbs were not working, I felt doom closing in on me. I got into the car and started sobbing. Wailing. Covering my mouth with my hands so I wouldn't scream, but the screams were silent. I could not get out of the fear. My physical body felt like it was collapsing, and I tried to focus on what was actually happening. The arms encircled around me in a hug, the chatter in the backseat, the tree in front of the car. I could not talk or move except to cry. The panic attack lasted for hours. I forgot and was not coherent enough to pop the xanax in my mouth. I've never tried it but was given to use in extreme emergencies. Obviously I calmed down on the car ride home, but the chest pain and anxiety remained until I went to sleep.

Then yesterday came and when I woke up I was still feeling the heaviness. It really terrified me the night before. More then anything ever has. It was a long day yesterday. I just wanted and needed silence and sleep but there were things that needed to be done. I had to do blood work for the clinic, Mylie had school, and I was in someone else's vehicle so my requests to go home went unrespected. I was a prisoner. I put on the earplugs and tried to get through it.

By last night I was just done, and watching Mylie sob and beg to stay home just made me feel worse. I hate watching her suffer and I am so angry that the person who should want her best interests more then anyone just doesn't. I am so tired from the long weekend, the stupid fight that ripped apart my newly put back together self-esteem, the sitting at social services to re-apply for medical insurance again, the not being heard when I say I am sick and need to go home, the social anxiety I feel at the idea of being out or in someone else's car and not being able to escape, the fact that I was probably a total freak at that store with my panic attack... it all just rips open that fear I have at being so sick.

I have made so much progress in 2 short months, and yet I must remember it has only been 2 months. I am positive, I am pro-active about my health, and I am learning my balances as I endure this, but I am also weary right now.

I have gone through a lot and sometimes I don't treat myself too kindly. I need to recover. I need to relax. Instead I barreled straight into the energy I was gaining from my meds that I ended up falling flat on my face again.

I'm processing right now. My peace has been temporarily misplaced as I meander through this new path. I feel fragile but I know I am strong. I feel broken but I know my Jesus will take that and make something beautiful out of it. Through the last few days of stress and frustration I see His many blessings. Food to eat, financial provision, medication, friends, and always nature. Last night I started to feel some anxiety and got into prayer. When I opened my eyes I saw the roses picked from my Auntie's backyard and I knew it was God's reminder that He is in the details of my life, for He knows how much I adore flowers and this arrangement smells so delicious and is more glorious then any store bought bouquet I've ever seen.

I am sad about how Mylie is being torn apart by everything. She tells me all the time how she wants to stay home, how she wants to go to school here come August, and how she doesn't want to go back and forth anymore. I want to change it for her, make it all better, but I am limited in my ability. I must turn to God and give Him my fear that she will end up in the wrong hands. I am also grieving and I didn't want to face that grief before. I lost my best friend. Someone I thought of as my sister. She didn't die, but she betrayed me and has turned away from me. Maybe we were never really friends since she basically lied about me in a court room and tried to discredit me. I am hurt by that. I am hurt that she is always only looking out for herself. Who suffers? Mylie.

Today I surrender again to my Savior who loves me. I pray that all of the junk spoken into my life this weekend would be broken off and healed and that I can find my peace in Him once again.

I wait eagerly.