Afer the busy weekend that was and the few days following it I felt like a major basket case. I was demanding, shrill, very oversensitive to every single sound, and it seemed that I was in panic mode all of the time. I was crying and feeling miserable. It was a flare of all flares. By my third fibro appointment last Thursday I was in pure misery. Everything ached and cried out for attention in my body and I did not know what to do about it. I felt out of my mind, as if there had been no recovery in the slightest, as if the medication and all these weeks of trying to rebuild my life had been a waste of time. I went in to my appointment and was told my blood pressure was 150/100. I haven't struggled with high blood pressure since I'd started treatment, but I was in a lot of pain and anxiety was buzzing- literally- all of the time. Since that Saturday before I had been in a state of panic and pain. Blind, all consuming. The doctor explained that what had happened is fairly common. He has seen it in numerous patients seeking recovery. As my immune system starts to repair (slowly) ALL energy I am gaining (remember I am working with no energy to begin with) is going to that repair. When stressful events occur-whether it is emotional (like fighting with loved ones, or the custody battle or the myriad of issues people around me are having and inviting me into) or physical (being out all day, doing extra housework, allowing myself to push past my "normal" limits)the toxins that are being released go straight into my brain causing the nervous system to go completely bonkers. The doctor said the natural inclination when we start to regain some energy is to act normal, but I cannot do that. I do not have the luxury. He reminded me that this is a chronic illness that is very hard to beat and it will take a long time. He assured me I am doing good with the medications and diet and that it is completely natural to be feeling like I was dying or that I might be crazy or whatever. He reassured me that this is not all in my head and that I have to be kind to myself.
Cut to the car ride home. I am not okay. I am not myself.Equipped with the knowledge that it's not me, but the toxins in my brain making me feel so anxious and hopeless, I try to explain to the person with me. We get into a huge, dramatic argument because I feel like I am sinking and sinking and so overwhelmed, and they have no idea about anything the doctor has just told me. I'm crying and wailing and basically having the tantrum of the century. As most cases go this person says some very damaging things that seep right into my spirit and add to the illusion I've created that I am a loony bin. Why oh why we stopped at the supermarket is beyond me. I needed some fruits and water, so there we were in the midst of my emotional breakdown, when some pretty young blonde thing with dangly earrings walks by and mutters a soft "excuse me." Before I know it a curse word is uttered under my breath. I am so overloaded in this bright, loud, completely harmful (to me anyway)grocery store. I place the basket down with a loud flourish, announce I am going to go kill myself (now I would never say that and have never ever wanted to kill myself but I was not myself). We get in the car and 10 minutes later I am telling the person next to me that I want to just not exist anymore, the pain is too much, I can't live like this. Blah, blah, blah. Finally I explain that it's the toxins making me nuts and we go inside. I flop on the bed and just cry. I can't talk myself out of it, I can't do anything but morosely cry.
I got into prayer and asked God to please take this from me. All of it, but in particular the emotional turmoil. I asked for forgiveness for my attitude towards others at the time, and to the poor girl @ the store we did nothing wrong. I asked the person who was with me if they could go back and apologize to her, explain that my comment was not directed to her at all. I was still not feeling okay. Words will not paint an accurate picture of my hell last week. The frenzy, the feeling of doom, the hysteria bubbling at every single sound and problematic situation around me.
The doctor has put me on a detox for the next few weeks. This week we start with Questran, which is powder mixed with water to be taken daily after lunch and afternoon medication, followed a half an hour later with teaspoon of fat (one egg, a pat of butter, or olive oil). I am on day 3 of this and the goal is to remove the toxins that went haywire and the continuation of repairing my immune system. This is a 5-7 day detox. Then I will continue detoxing with charcoal capsules and bentonite.
He also added another supplement called milk thistle for my gallbladder. So far the questran has given me cramps and some blood but it seems to be working.
I also was told to take a test online called surviving mold to check something in my eyes. Apparently exposure to mold could have resulted in my perception being off. I took the visual test yesterday and failed in both eyes I'm not sure what that means exactly and what we're going to do about it but I will update when I go back on June 6th.
I continue to up my Vitamin D by 1000 every week until I get to 10,000 (which wil be on June 1st) and am now upping the Nystatin until I am at 6 a day.
The most important thing I learned while going through last week is that I need to be nice to myself. Usually when I feel a flare coming I just keep plugging away and end up in a worse state then before. The other night I felt my body start to ache and I opted to lay down in silence vs, continue to try to be active. I have the bursts of energy from the thyroid medication and have been doing more housework, the never ending loads of laundry, etc. but I believe I am finally coming into acceptance. It is slow and sometimes I flutter back to grief or anger or any of the other stages, but the slow onset of accepting who I am now is happening. I can feel it inside. I can see feel it when I start to discuss my sickness rather then try to apologize it away. Yesterday for example I went to the store and the checkout woman and I got into a conversation after I remarked how I wish I could eat chips (there were 2 bags up at the register). After she asked if I am on a diet I explained that I have fibromyalgia and that my doctor has me on a very strict diet. She began to ask me questions about it, said her friend also has it, and isn't it so hard to diagnose? I told her that it took a year and a half to diagnose me and gave her a business card for the clinic I go to in Sacramento. I also write the web address for the chronicles of fibro blog and my own blog. It was so refreshing! Being able to share with someone without getting all fumbly and feeling that robe of guilt at being sick... like I was somehow imposing on the whole entire world. Literally and seriously.
I am realizing the need to spend less time with toxic people, and to seriously remove myself from ANY and ALL situations that are stressful and dramatic. My body simply cannot handle being overwhelmed with petty problems or with people who cannot and will not respect my sickness. I blamed myself for a very long time for my limitations. I was afraid and scared and felt guilty all of the time. Like I was a waste of space now that I am sick. That is just a horrible mentality to have. I am now discovering who I am NOW, and that I do not need rely on past accomplishments to sustain the image I had of myself. I let it go. I am embracing this new me, complete with restrictions. I still carry my earplugs everywhere I go. I have found sisterhood in the online community, I am listening to my body, and with the wisdom of women who have gone before me I am starting to put my health ahead of the line.
There will always be people in my life who have issues- some very real and tragic and horrible, some ridiculous and petty and make me want to tell them to bugger off, but it's not mine to fix or solve or handle. I can pray for them and leave it with Jesus. I can stop being the best friend. I can start to heal and only I can make that call. I get to choose. Obviously when the physical overrides and I am not able to be calm or rational and the toxins and the nervous system are wreaking havoc, I need help. The people who will love me in the ugliest of moments and guide me back to the road to healing, but for the most part it is entirely up to me. My diet, my decisions, my vitality.
I do not have this all figured out, but I delight in the fact that I am one step closer to this new me. I'm starting to like her. ;)
P.S. My amazing girls gave me a mother's day card and it made my day.
It's an amazing reminder of what the Lord has done and what He continues to do. I am so in love with Him!
Please continue to pray with me for donations! Thank you!
