I haven't felt much like writing lately. It's been an up and down few weeks.

It started last month with the physical therapy appointments. 3 a week for about a month. I started off with a bang. And it helps. It truly does, but what I also had to face yesterday is that it also hinders.

It finally hit me yesterday during my quiet/prayer time that I am not supposed to push myself and that is what I do. I suck it up. I just do it. That mode of operation no longer works for me.

That is the constant battle. Who am I now vs. who I used to be?

I don't think I have the answer to that yet.... at all.

At physical therapy I was up to 20 minutes on the bike, 3 weight machines, an exercise ball, stretches, and the electrical stimulation at the end. I was feeling good. Like I was finally, finally, finally doing something but then I would crash and I ended up missing at least 4 sessions. It was such a debate in my mind. That old nagging feeling that if I quit I was giving up on myself. Then in a spectacular moment yesterday I realized that maybe for the first time I would actually be doing better for myself by actually putting myself first with no regard to the what if's...

So I made the decision to stop physical therapy and to cancel the follow-up with the ortho doctor. I will continue my stretches, pool exercises, and do the bike 3x a week here at the complex gym and I am satisfied with that. It takes far more energy that I don't have in the first place to get ready, be driven 30 minutes to another town to get therapy and then come home. Before all of these appointments I went out one day a week. One. Sure I made the pit stops at Safeway or the library but never for long periods of time. Suddenly I was out about 5 days a week. I've had no less then 3 appointments, sometimes 4 on any given week in the last month and I just won't do that anymore. I was 3 sessions shy of finishing and then next week I was to go back to the ortho who would assess whether or not I need more or whatever.

I feel peace at making the decision to cut back. I really wrestled, but in the end it is about stress management and what I can and cannot handle. It's difficult to admit that I couldn't handle it, but that's what the reality is.

I don't get the luxury of trying to "cut down" on stress like it's some polite thing or a mere suggestion. I literally cannot handle stress. I have a heart problem, a viral infection that will never go away that is slowly invading every cell, every part of me... I have fibromyalgia and the list of ailments that accompany that. It's too much to try to swing everything at once. That choice belongs to someone else. So I am scaling back. It took forever and a day to stop feeling guilty when I didn't go to parties or birthdays or weddings or baptisms, but I'm finally at this place where I am accepting that the people who don't respect that... who "overlook" (and that is being kind) MY serious medical illnesses because it's not convenient for them... they don't get to be a part of my life anymore. That's it. Point blank.

As a woman who loves Jesus and believes wholly in the Bible I have always struggled with what it means to serve without being walked all over. People say "God didn't call us to be doormats." I used to tell people that all the time, but I see nowhere in scripture where that is true. So I always just let everyone else get what they want out of life and I would sit back. The supporter. The cheerleader (not literally). The best friend.

And now here I am. I am redefining EVERY relationship I have. Every routine I have. Every habit that I want to be broken. I am being called sweetly to the heart of Jesus again. The getting back to the basics of what it means to love Him and worship Him. I have a lot of questions and anger at hypocrisy I see in certain churches. I am questioning the cliques I see, I am questioning the Christian trends, I am not a fan of western churches. I really am not. I think of the Philippines everyday. I think of the humility, the simplicity of being in love with Jesus and trusting Him for miracles. I realized whilst journaling yesterday that I have been "sick" way before it got this bad. Way before the physical came and stole everything. I literally got sick in the Philippines and I never recovered. But the sick I am speaking of is that the very night I got back from the Philippines I walked into my home church and just felt despair.

I was wrecked for another country. The next night at our annual youth conference I could only cry during worship. It was so loud, so big, so.... something I could not define. I was heartbroken. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to sit in the air conditioned building singing those songs and acting like being in love with Jesus is some cool kids club.

It's just so not.

So I started to become heartsick. When people would ask me about the missions trip I couldn't explain, couldn't describe my heart and the brokenness and yet complete wholeness. I couldn't even understand why I resented being home. A small group of us started working on plans for a non profit organization to support the Philippines and we were planning our next trip. We got a name, a website, and things were rolling. For now that is still something being prayed over and I believe it will come into fruition at the timing of God. My heartsickness continued and I stopped hanging out with people. I stopped putting so much into the things that don't matter here in spoiled America. And I kept getting sicker physically.

I'm examining everything. I'm coming back to the heart of worship. I'm being called to sit and relish in Jesus and not get so caught up in the trends of American churches. Even speakers that I adore, books I read- God is telling me to read His book alone for TRUE guidance. These other people are amazing, but that's just it... they are people. They aren't God.

And my boundaries continue to be erected one small bit at a time.

I am starting to love more and more the idea of living off the grid and have debated deleting my facebook and everything. I won't because my family and besties that live far away are on there and it enables us to stay in touch, and my fabulous fibro family is there of course, but I find facebook to be quite narcissistic. I hate having a cell phone.

I'm all over the board but that's how I feel lately. Everything is coming out and being redefined under the Lord and His plans for my life. I have debated going back to school online since I am not much for being out of the house anymore. Then I started thinking I will wait on that as right now I am concentrating on the grieving of my old self and acceptance of the me NOW. It's the hugest battle I have ever had! Seriously it is bringing up things from childhood, my past in my early twenties, and all the crap now. I have been healed and set free from so much over the years but I am finding that there is still so much in there that I have held onto! Things that I was not even aware of, and things that need to be prayed over and out stat.

I am finding out who I am NOW. I am learning that I am important too, and that I don't have to keep taking a backseat while everyone around me eats their cake. I'm going to eat some damn cake too!

I have not written things on this blog because I have worried about hurting feelings, but this is MY blog and my outlet. This is my place to write and share my journey and if I hide these ugly parts then I'm just being a Christian robot(which I cannot stand) acting like life is peachy keen. I'd be hiding behind that uniform and I'm just not willing to do that. I believe in transparency. I believe in honesty. I believe that the ugly bits that make some people fidget and uncomfortable are the very things that we need to bring into the light so they can be healed up. I've met plenty of elitists, and see how I could have followed that yellow brick road a couple of years ago. I was a youth leader, led a small group, and went to corporate prayer every week. Did that make me better? Did I think I was so spiritual because of what I could fill my planner up with? Now, being "a sickie" I understand that NONE of that stuff matters. They are honorable and in no way am I suggesting that if one does those things that means they are elitist snots. No, I am saying that FOR ME, for my life, I have come to terms that those to-do's, even raising children, or anything we "accomplish" pales in comparison to simply knowing Jesus. I want to get there. I want to STOP. I want to not be that woman who has lived on accomplishment.
There's a lot of pride that camps out in us. When you get sick that all gets shaken loose whether you like it or not. When you have to pull over on the side of the road to vomit violently, when you swallow 10 pills at a time 4x a day just to try to "rebuild" your immune system, when your ex-best friend betrays you and breaks your heart, when people you've known for 19 years treat you like you are nothing because you don't fit in their tidy little world anymore, when you've spent more time in hospitals and at doctors appointments then you have doing anything else for over a year, when those very people who lavished "love" and hugs on you when you were "popular" or involved at church but who haven't bothered to ask how you're doing NOW and who blatantly ignore you, when you have been angry, mean, and unpleasant a lot of the time because your body has become your enemy.... the pride starts to jangle and just pour out.

It doesn't feel good one itty bit, but it's a good thing.

I never want to be so content with my own little life that I stop depending on my Savior. I never want to be so defined by "my" lists of achievement that I fail to remember who made this all possible. Who has healed me, redeemed me, saved me from the pit. I have so many dreams in my heart and right now they all circle my brain. I feel impatient. I feel like busting out and just DOING.

That's my issue. For all of my life I have been a do-er. I do. It is so challenging to not be that anymore. I look at other people's lives on facebook and I have compared. I never used to do that! Seriously. How humiliating to have to admit that, but again, I believe I must be honest and transparent. I have coveted things. Being so sick has felt surreal at times. I have felt like I don't measure up because I am so limited. I have fought back so dang hard. Fists flying (not literally) to beat these diseases. And I'm tired.

I'm coming into acceptance that I am going through this. This is my role. This is where Papa has me today. I believe I can be spontaneously healed. I don't believe that these diseases have to stay. I don't believe God wants me to be sick. I have cried so much... asking if I have done something. Asking if I am being punished for something. Wondering if my past has brought about these serious illnesses. I have wondered if God has forgotten me. And when it all comes down to it I know those are lies. For whatever reason I AM sick. I am going through this and it's miserable and difficult and I have lost many friends, BUT my God is still bigger. He is doing so many things and utilizing this black hole in ways I cannot even fathom and see. There is healing being done. There is a relationship with my parents that I've never had. They have become my best friends. There is a relationship with my sister in law. There are very real things happening in the spiritual realm that I can't see and that is so exciting!