Busy, busy days these have been!


Time is swirling by.

My ankle with the osteoarthritis/tendonitis combo is really giving me grief. I know I am pushing myself and overworking this tired body. I know moving boxes and being on my feet all day and meeting people to say goodbye and "overlooking" my health problems for the sake of the move is unhealthy and probably making me backtrack from all of the treatment I have gotten.

I have been eating sugar and drinking soda (for which I paid the ultimate price by not being able to sleep) and basically not taking care of myself again...

I tell myself it is because I am moving away and I HAVE to see friends and the kids I used to care for. I tell myself I will have plenty of time to rest once I get to NC. I tell myself lots of things to get through everyday.

I am in so much pain. I have dipped into the pain meds that were for the drive cross country, and only have maybe 11 pills left. My doctor only gave me 15 to start with. I am praying for medication to come forth from out of nowhere like it did for my dear friend, Alex. I am praying for travel mercies and that our finances last all through the drive...for gas, motels, food. I am praying that I can feel JOY and excitement more then I feel guilt and heartache at who I am leaving behind.

I had a blast with my cousin, Shawna, yesterday. She and my niece, Eva came over and the girls had so much fun dressing up as princesses and playing together. They were like little cousins. It reminded Shawna and I of our childhood, when My Little Pony and playing outside were our only concerns.

Nostalgia.

We drove to my old home. There were signs on the windows saying that hazardous material needed to be removed and it was vacant. I peered in the windows and traveled my feet over the familiar grass. I lovingly mused on the bricks and rocks my dad put there years and years ago. The back gate was unlocked and we went in. I remembered all of the years... from 4 years old to 27.... the neighborhood in 1985 was a safe haven, full of families with kids the ages of my brother and I. We had no fences to block neighbors out back than. We rode our bikes down that street in freedom, played on the swing sets, sat on the curbs.... I remembered fourth of July extravaganzas in our front yard, the Thanksgiving and Christmas splendor when all of our family would come and celebrate... I remembered tears and laughter and a family that inhabited those rooms and halls and sidewalks. I remembered my life.... there on that street- innocent and lovely and so precious to me.

It's another sign that the house is vacant. When my parents sold our home in 2007 and moved to NC, it was sad, but I no longer lived there and my life was busy and full. Now, standing vacant, it serves to remind me that a home is a fond place to look back upon, but that as all things are, life keeps on moving. The house is a shell now. It no longer holds a family, it no longer makes memories... but it counted. It mattered. It is empty now, but once upon a time the porch light was on and the windows were lit with the glow of life and family.

I grew up there. I had a dad, a mom, and a younger brother, and a dog.

I am grown up now and the house is still there and my family is scattered in different states, but somewhere... deep inside of me, the memories live on.

I look back, I look forward, I look...

Only God knows where I will end up.