Time is getting down to the crunch.

This will be my second to last time at my home church, though I feel so insanely tired and the fibro fog has come over me like a ton of bricks. I would much rather stay in and do nothing, but my stubborn mind is not wired that way. My doctor specifically said "rest before you leave. You will be driving across the country and it will be incredibly hard. Do not do anything before you go." Of course I meant to heed that order, yet my frenzied mind would not slow down enough. I instead repacked my boxes from last year and those 3 moves, I packed up someone else's stuff these last 2 days.... I thrive when I am organizing. That is when I am in my element. I miss having a job (officially) where I could organize all day long.

Alas that is no longer the life I am called to live. So why am I pushing it? Partially I am distracting myself. The busier I am the less time I have to think about this change. I am glad for it, but right now the sadness and the hole in my heart weigh heavier then the happy bits. I am going to miss my friends here- the actual friends. I am going to miss my family. I am going to miss the kids I once nannied for. I am going to miss Mylie most of all.

The other reason is because I'm not lazy. That's it. Plain and simple. I believe in working hard, and there has been a lot to do. With the adrenaline pumping I have been able to fake my way through packing and meeting with people I must say goodbye to. It's really breaking me down healthwise, but I am so determined to make these last weeks count.

There is barely time to breathe this upcoming week. I have appointments and saying goodbye to people and all the little things that come with moving. I am operating from negative 15 energy today and have no way how I will get through tonight, but I want to.

I wish I could do more things... like go to San Francisco and drive to the cemetery to visit my grandparents' graves one last time. I wish I could go to the beach and sit and look at the hugeness of it. The beaches are different where I am going. I wish... I wish....

The reality is not so. The ones who are near and dear have made efforts to meet me or come over and I really appreciate that. It's difficult to make plans without a vehicle.

On another note, I am getting an ear infection again in the same ear as last time. No fun.

I am noticing little patches of irritated skin. One on my leg, and one on my arm. Is it stress? I surely do feel stressed. The other day I spent all day blogging, sobbing, and praying and I still feel the heaviness over me. I don't know when that will go away. I hate leaving just as much (maybe more) then I love going.

Once upon a time I dreamed of the Philippines. I wanted to live there and be a missionary. I have no idea if that will ever happen... not with all of my health problems. But I a honored to say I have at least been once, and I am determined to go again someday. My friend Leah once said to think of this move as a stepping stone to healing, rather then a step backward. It's hard not to feel like I am going backward. I will be living with my parents again, in a quiet and isolated feeling town- but perhaps Leah is right and this is going to be the place where I am able to get just a little better and all of the dreams held in my heart will burst forth again.

A girl can hope.