So busy.

The move is on Tuesday. We load up on Wednesday and then off we go.

Been packing, seeing family and friends (I've had more of a social life these last 2 weeks then the past year and a half combined).

Mylie cries on and off. She cups my face in her sweet hands and says, "I don't want you to go." We pray together. We do our normal routines. Today we went to the library book sale and found some delightful reads. Being the sweetheart that she is, she even picked out some Winnie the Pooh books for me.

I got the crown on my tooth today finally after 4 months of awaiting insurance approval and the dentist rescheduling, etc. It hurts but I'm sure it'll get better.

I had blood drawn 2 days ago for some labs and my arm still hurts. Fun fibro bonus. Getting our blood pressure taken or blood drawn can leave bruises on our overly sensitive skin.

Took a chance and saw my ortho doctor, who not only prescribed me 120 pain pills for the road (thank you Jesus!) but also gave me an ankle brace and a Tens Unit (which is a portable electrical stimulator like I used at physical therapy) which will mask some of the pain on the drive. I thought I had to pay $60, which I do not have, but insurance covered it. Whoo hoo!

I'm so tired I can't think straight. I still have an ear infection and it's on the same side I had the crown done. Always a joy. ;) That's some sarcasm, cause I am so tired and in a flare and am pushing myself beyond all reason. I packed up so much stuff that wasn't my own and moved boxes and generally tried to ignore fibromyalgia for these 4 weeks.

Now my body is shutting so far down. I am dizzy. I lose my balance again. I wake up stiff as a board. People are driving me nuts trying to lay claim to my favorite papasan chair- which I am taking with me. I am getting unsolicited advice and lectures about everything. I am making myself meet friends even though all I ache for is sleep. But even sleep is not fun anymore. I'm having dreams again. Not good ones.

I am emotional. Happy and sad. Sad and happy. Even the porch light is flickering on and off like a signal that time is ending here in California. I see family and close friends and remember a time in my life where that was the norm. We give tight hugs and miss each other already. I could blame the move but the truth is I was already partially gone before the move was officially decided. I am fighting fibro and I am way better then I was in March or so, before treatment... but I still have a ways to go. I can feel it. And with my current stubbornness to not rest as the doctor ordered, and instead bounce all around like a ball, I know I am only pushing myself even further back.

But what else can I do?

Goodbyes have to be said. That means conversation and lots of it. I cherish these times with the people I love. I saw 2 of my nieces, my nephew, dear friends, my cousins, and last night even had dinner at the home of the children I once cared for. 6 out of the 9 loves that inhabit a large part of my heart. We played hide and seek like old times, we snuggled, we took pictures, and we remembered the old days. I miss those times. I really, really do.

I miss when I was without sickness. I miss when this life here was enough for me. I miss when I was healthy and could run around with 6 kids at a time and then still have energy to attend events later on in the day.

Those days ended in November of 2009....

and I am just now saying goodbye.

I may not have internet again until I arrive in North Carolina... or until we reach Texas to see my brother, sis in law, and niece and nephews. I can't wait to see them!

I'm trusting you God. I am following your directions....

Please fill up the sadness in my heart. Please make this bearable for me, but most especially for Mylie. Please calm her fears and give her joy to start Kindergarten and this new journey of her life. I cannot believe I won't be here for her first day. I've been here for all of her firsts.... her birth (I was the 2nd one to hold her after her daddy), her surgery, her first day of preschool, her first time eating baby food, her first trip on a plane (we've gone to NC every year since 2007- once even 2x in one year), etc.

My mom sent her the Bella Ballerina shoes she wanted so much for her birthday. I watched her dance around in them last night and my heart gets so full. I love this kid. I really do. She was birthed by my best friend and now she is this amazing little creature, full of compassion and joy and love. She teaches our neighbor (who is 5) how to be gentle with the kitty who lives across from us, she will only wear her princess dresses or her ballet, and she reminds me not to eat sugar and to take my meds. Last night she was typing her name on this keyboard, pretending to write her blog. She got a new Tangled journal for her birthday from her mom and she is writing in there (someone said scribbling which pisses me off cause to her she is writing something and it should be respected. I can't stand when people tear their kids or other people's kids down). She carries her "hand bag" and loves to look at trees, flowers, and clouds. Me and Aaron tried to incorporate that as much as we could this last year. There is so much I will miss, and yet I know she will be okay. She is a beacon of light and that won't go away. I pray she grows up just as compassionate and just as lovely. She deserves the world.

God, you are aligning everything perfectly to your design. This move and everyone affected by it is all moving swiftly and smoothly together. You are opening every single door and you are closing all the old ones. I love you so much, God. I thank you for the blessing of a home wherever I am, food to eat everyday, and wonderful people who have enriched my life with the vastness of their character. You are amazing, Papa.

My heart is heavy and I feel bogged down by physical restraints, yet my spirit soars.

Here's to the next chapter!

P.S. My Auntie paid for me to get a haircut. Still long, but with all over layers and all the dead ends are now gone. It feel so much better!