Exhaustion.

I burned my 15-20 journals last night in the backyard, much like the "great journal burning" of 2007 when I burned 80+ journals. It's freeing. I have no regrets. I know what I've lived through and although it would be interesting to go back and re-read what God did in my life during these last 4 years, it would also be a hindrance. Once a lesson is learned or as life continues to pass us by we don't need to go back and put back into ourselves what we just wrestled to let go of.

I'm a writer. I love words and I love keeping a journal. I find it highly beneficial and therapeutic, however, I will not hoard them so I can give glamour to past mistakes and glorify what is already done. That's between me and God and in no way am I suggesting that everyone should burn their journals. No, this is something God spoke directly to my heart in 2007: "I don't keep a record of your wrongs, so why do you?"

Bam.

Right now I am fighting the temptation to dip into television like I used to. I used to use it as an escape when things were bad back in 2002. It was my getaway and it was a long battle to rid myself of that addiction. I still watch television, I just don't plan my life around it or depend on it like I did years ago. Now, here, in the solitude of NC I find myself wanting to go down that road because it's easier. I don't know how to rest. That's a huge issue for me. It's the reason I did way more then my body could handle before the move (and all of the months before), why when we arrived here I unpacked and situated my room the very same night.... I can't be still. That's not something to boast about. Stillness is necessary and amazing. I can be still in prayer. I can be still and watch television, but my mind is always wanting to organize, to fix, to be on the go.
Here, in NC, I am face to face with my limitations. I can barely keep my eyes open and yet I am trying to find tasks for myself. At the same time Abba is beckoning me. Drawing me to sit beside Him and find refreshment for my weary, bone tired soul. I waver- do I sit at His feet or watch reality television? That's rhetorical. I know what I want to do, but I also know that in the silence there is pain. When I am not busy the tears come. Grief at the child I left behind. The girls. I cried at the market yesterday because I saw fruit roll-ups and cotton candy and Frosted Flakes and Mylie's favorite chocolate milk.
I don't regret moving. I know it was the GOD choice. I know I will eventually settle in, but right now my heart is heavy and hurting and I feel like I am facing ALL of the things I was able to ignore in California when I was still busy all of the time.
Now there is silence and time and necessity to examine who I am without any titles or trappings. Now is the time to face the illnesses I carry without excuse or nonchalance.
So that is my struggle. Fibromyalgia forced me into isolation and I believe that prepared me for this move. Here there are no demands except the ones I put on myself. It scares me. I have always been driven and organized and on the go.... even being sick in California, I always had a to-do list going on. There was a lot to get done. Now, it is me and time.... and God.
I am not immune to getting sidetracked. The television here boasts hundreds of channels and I can swim in that sea if I choose. The thing is that I want to choose differently. I want to freefall into rest. Lord, I pray you would teach me to be absolutely still before you. No distractions, no excuses, no more taxing this weak physical body because it's so much easier then facing the truth about my health.

And that's what it is.

Hit the nail on the head.

In California I had some semblance of "normal." I took care of Mylie. I had a reason to be so tired. I had appointments galore. I had church. Now in the silence and still North Carolina air I have no excuse.

The fatigue in my limbs is real.

The pain cascading down my body, especially my arms and wrists and hands today, is real.

My eyes begging to close is real.

My fibromyalgia is real.

It's not just some dream... or nightmare. It's not an excuse. It's not in my head. It's not a mistake. It's here and I can't pretend with myself anymore that I am suddenly going to wake up without it.

I've lived that way for almost 2 years. I still believe my God can heal me. I trust that I have not been healed because there is stuff He wants me to learn from this and stuff He wants to do through my weakness. I firmly, 100% believe and know that God is not ever going to waste my pain.

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor. 12:7-10


When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 94:19


My challenge now is to fully accept my illnesses and to find joy despite them. My goal is to quiet my mind, starve my flesh, and feed my spirit. I want to be so close to Jesus that fibromyalgia becomes white noise in the background. I want to draw upon His stillness and find delight in His streams of mercy and love and forgiveness. It's mine for the taking... I need only to be still.

It sounds SO easy. Just be still. I think if I knew how to do that I may not have gotten fibromyalgia in the first place. ;)

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
— Jim Elliot