LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
Titus 3:5
I sobbed like a child last night. Why do people say that? Because babies cry a bunch sometimes? I guess... anyway, I sobbed. My heart was and is heavy. I am discombobulated. I am reading the above verses with a fervor. I trust that God called me to this place. I trust that He has wonderful plans for my life and for the lives of those I left behind, and yet the grief is palpable.
My body is also in a flare of flares. I haven't felt this horrendous in months! It's a burden for sure. To sleep but never waking up rested, to take a zillion pills every few hours throughout the day and still be feeling like this.... it's a bit overwhelming. I felt a ping of panic the other day. "Is this it?" I asked myself repeatedly. I moved here to be swallowed up by my health problems? Will I rot here?
I have SUCH limitations, and while treatment has helped a tad, I am still unable to hold down a job at this time and I still have a ways to go. I may never be able to handle it again.... I can "fake" my way through things... packing up for the move, driving cross country (though my body did surprisingly better on the move), and then unpacking and settling in on the very first night we got here. That, dear friends, was only because of adrenaline and pain medication. I do not take pain medication on a regular basis. I don't want to numb the pain and continue to abuse my sick body that way. For some, pain pills work wonders.... Lyrica and all of those things. However, I want to get my fibromyalgia managed and under some kind of control the natural way- as the clinic I sought out offers.
I have been consuming sugar which in turn has made the IBS go bananas again. THAT is my fault. I need to be cut off from sugar (which is my drug of choice). Once the candida gets a bit of sugar it suddenly demands for more and the cravings get uber intense. I hate it. I would like to just drink a darn soda or eat a few cookies without the huge consequences, thank you very much.
Next week I am going to check out a church here. I've attended two different ones on my travels here over the years. One regularly and the other 1x. I am going to check out a different one that seems similar to my church in California. Please pray I would instantly know where my "home" church is once I step in the doors.
My heart and head are in a funky place. With this I press into scripture and into prayer. Only Papa knows my heartache and the brokenness I feel, and only He can fill me up and release me to what comes next.
I wait.
I recall the original scripture God gave me in the summer of 2010 to move here:
“Therefore, son of man, pack your belongings for exile and in the daytime, as they watch, set out and go from where you are to another place. Perhaps they will understand, though they are a rebellious people. 4 During the daytime, while they watch, bring out your belongings packed for exile. Then in the evening, while they are watching, go out like those who go into exile. 5 While they watch, dig through the wall and take your belongings out through it. 6 Put them on your shoulder as they are watching and carry them out at dusk. Cover your face so that you cannot see the land, for I have made you a sign to the Israelites.”
Ezekiel 12:3-6
I seriously feel like I am in exile ("Exile means to be away from one's home (i.e. city, state or country), while either being explicitly refused permission to return and/or being threatened with imprisonment or death upon return. It can be a form of punishment.") and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I can see the purpose, the necessity of getting ANY dependency I have off of whatever it is (for example my role as a nanny or a spiritual mom or friend or whatever is was that "defined" me all those years) that I depended on and back onto Jesus all of the way. In my loneliness and tears I call for Him and that intimacy is more precious then anything.
I know I am not literally in exile. I could go back to California. There is no barrier preventing me... except I know that I'm not supposed to. In that sense there does seem to be some invisible (I know I sound wonky, just please bear with me)barrier. A big NO to my question to God if I made a mistake.
I didn't make a mistake. Things are aligning with His purposes. I know that in my bones. I see the benefits. So while I may cry and grieve and wail around like a baby for awhile I know that I will adjust and then the joy and excitement will come. Maybe it would be different if I wasn't sick. Sickness already provides a sense of isolation- which was evident in California... but I worked with it and the people around me (Aaron, Mylie, Jason, Auntie Pat, and Auntie Evelyn) learned and worked with me as my health issues revealed themselves. I was cocooned in an environment where all of the key players knew the depth of my pain and ailments. Well, most of them anyway. ;) After a time I was able to establish a routine- simple honestly- a trip to the library, Safeway down the street, appointments... my life was very confined and controlled because it had to be. Here, it's a whole different ball game.
It's only been (almost) 4 days since we got here. I've got to give it more time. All of life is a process and I am just going with the wave.
