From 09/11/11
Dear Jesus,
Today I woke up only about 2% better then yesterday and I cling to that 2%. It's better then being at 1%. I want to feel well enough to check out that church soon. Oh Lord, it's been awhile since I've been absolutely silent before you. My thoughts seem to be on a constant spin cycle. I average between wanting to befriend everyone and wanting to fade into oblivion. It seems impossible to stay as the character I've been aged to. This person who only DOES and rarely receives (unless we're talking parents, because I think mine take the cake at supporting me). It's not that I want to be selfish. Quite opposite in fact. I want to be selfless, but have good enough boundaries so that I'm not consistently feeling run over. Before fibromyalgia I just dealt with it, but now here in North Carolina, I find myself repelling at the idea of continuing that lifestyle.
I see all of your blessings and while the last weeks have mostly become a blur, I remember things. How my parents welcomed us. The flowers, the candle, the magazines placed just so in the bedroom with the freshly shampooed rug. The fact that my parents go outside to smoke. Every small thing I see and appreciate. Thank you, Jesus.
I ache for you. I remember what felt like "the height" of being in a relationship with you. Purity, the Philippines, ministry, being an "example" for the younger generation. I laugh at myself now for thinking I had everything figured out. I pray earnestly that that was NOT my highlight reel. Let that be but a taste of what is to come with you, oh Lord. I miss being in your house (any of them!) and I miss fellowship.The kind I used to take for granted before fibromyalgia. Coffee dates, prayer nights, Bible studies, corporate prayer, etc. The whole lot of it. I feel alone spiritually and I have for a a long time. Ever since 2009 I've been adrift and wandering through some forest, always aware of You, knowing Your hand is at work, but not seeing a break in the path.
And now... that break has come and I stepped onto it not certain where it would lead. It led me to here and now, Lord, please shine in me. Take Janet out and put Jesus in. Grow my strength, compassion, and trust. Grow my ability to handle life- strife, illness, and all that comes along with it. Let me see more then fibromyalgia. Let me be brave. Not on my own strength, but on Yours. Where my bones and spirit are weary please come shine again. Show me hope refreshed.
Sometimes worshiping and dancing with Jesus in the bathroom is deeper then attending a church service.
Lord, I see YOU. I look at the reflection of these eyes I've had for 31 years of earthly life and I realize all over again how you have chosen me and you have created my whole life. Not just the good bits, but every single detail. Truly you know every hair on my head. Every strand. You suited ME with this frail body because you trust me to still choose you over my hardship. Where I am weak, you make me strong.
