This was from 09/10/11

Wake up.

Stumble into the bathroom, brush teeth, put in contacts, use the toilet, check text messages.

Go back into the bedroom,sit on unmade made, get out morning pills (even though it is now afternoon and even after at least 12 hours of sleep there is no rest), and sit for literally one hour trying to summon enough energy to swallow said pills.

Feel absolutely terrible and the idea of making the bed, plugging in the cell phone to charge, and taking a shower seem to be impossible tasks.

Want to cry, or scream, or show something to display the anger and helplessness of not being able to move when you want to move.

The night before was full of unpleasant dreams, which go unremembered now, but the recollection of waking up soaked in sweat is vivid.

Thoughts swarm- watch a dvd or read on the porch? Read scripture and listen to an online sermon? Read a book or write a blog post?

All of these things sound appealing and impossible at the same time.

Taking a shower is going to take away even more energy, of which there is barely any of. But a shower is important because it creates the illusion that you are well. You are cleansed and ready for the day...

Even though pajamas will be your attire and the furthest you will go will be the porch, if that.

People text you. Photos of the child you left behind. Moanings of the heart. You respond, all the while wondering why you sit here caged while they all mill about, not knowing this pain, this fatigue, this loss.