When the doctor told me that driving cross country was really going to take a toll on the fibro and that I would need to recuperate for awhile I took it for what it was worth. Imagine my surprise when I felt pretty nifty on the road. I was not without pain and I did start to flare towards the end there, but my body held on and I made it from California to North Carolina. Fueled by adrenaline and my lifetime habit of pushing through and finishing before resting (not such a good trait to have)I unpacked the NIGHT I got in, and had my bedroom all situated before going to sleep. I was soaked in sweat and propelled by the pain medication.

I kept at it.

And then it hit. Fibro came and lay claim to that pass it had given me on the road. I felt like the sludge monster and still sort of do. Tomorrow we will have been here for one month. It is all a blur of sounds and sights and colors and breathings of the heart that I recall only vaguely.

I am genuinely delighted to be here. Moments of anguish have permeated me as I have felt flitting emotions of people-sick versus homesick. I think home is wherever God has me at the moment, be it here or California or a boat at sea or on foreign soil, but I do miss some people. I am freshly amazed at the extravagance of God in those moments of sadness, because even through that mingle of missing and aching, there is also joy and contentment. That's so crazy creative of God!

So it has been a process of settling in and letting go. I stopped gorging on sugar 3 days ago and started having greens again, and it makes a world of difference. I like when I am on track and adhering to what my doctor has told me specifically for diet. I am not out of the recovery, but each step towards wellness requires the commitment to do what I know will make me feel better. It's not easy to do and some days my body just won't let me do what I want. Those are the days I cry or have little fits and feel like this is impossible. I get down and I have to get into scripture and into prayer and talk with others (especially my fibro friends online, my sister in-law, and my dear friend, Alex, who is enduring the same trial) so that I can see past the dragon of this disease. It's not an easy peasy cupcake walk. It is demanding and controlling and wicked, and on those truly bad days we honestly have nothing to give away. No energy, no spirit, no umph. There is no ability to jaunt around the block or go to the market or any of those things. There is just the waiting.

And in the waiting comes the gift of growth. The tears pour out so the grief can be addressed. The anger comes out so it can be purged off and a new lesson can be learned.

Illness is quite the teacher, and I both love and hate that.

So this is where I am at now...

I have started to go walking again. Yesterday I took a stroll around the block and after some bad dreams (again) I woke up with one of those god awful charley horses. I used to get them real bad growing up and lately they have come back. So today I did the stretches like I used to before the walk and so far I feel okay.

The thing about fibromyalgia is that to say "I feel okay" is not the same as a normal "I feel okay." Okay to me means that I have 3% of energy instead of none, or it means I feel able to carry on a conversation or get up to use the bathroom. Some days are certainly better then others, and on those days I have to remember to not push too hard or I will fall quickly back into the flare. It's not easy to NOT push when feeling like it's possible to endure more. I'm learning so much about finding happiness in the small packages of each day. It's a true joy to be able to go on a walk or to carry my own plate or cup to the living room. It's a treat to go to the DMV and take a written test and pass. It makes me feel like living is really possible with this disease. Everything affects the mind and the body for those of us with fibromyalgia. So, even sitting in a room with other people robs our bodies of the energy and focus it needs to keep functioning.

I can tell I have another UTI. It has been awhile since the last one, so I am taking some antibiotics left over from when a doctor had told me not to take them and prescribed another kind instead. There is enough for 3 days so I pray it will kick this UTI and the persistent earache away.

I've made an appointment with the fibromyalgia clinic here in NC and I'm hoping for a good connection with the new doctor.

I'm starting to feel like where I was before the big move. After 5 months of treatment and being on medications I was feeling the DRASTIC difference between before I started seeing a specialist and after. When I got here it felt like none of the recovery had EVER happened. In my mind and body it felt like I had never gotten any treatment at all. Now I can see a little more clearly and I know that it's that whole system of balances.

I am back on track and eating healthier then I was, sleeping a bit better, and exercising again. It feels good. With that said, I also understand now that it's okay to not be able to do it all. That I don't need to feel guilty or bad for not being "up to par" these last weeks. I DO feel guilty in the moment.... relying on others to do things for me is always a challenge, but I see afterward that it is for the best.

The reality is that I am sick. This is something I chose to override in California because it did not fit into my lifestyle. Now I have the opportunity to mold my life around my health needs versus trying to fit my health needs around my life.

That's a HUGE deal.

Tonight I am clear-headed and happy and feeling on the road to wellness again. I know I've got quite a walk ahead, but I am willing. I am people-sick for Mylie, for Simonne, Maddison, April, Antonia, and everyone else that means so much to me. I think of long ago days that feel like yesterday and I smile because that time was golden and it serves only to remind me of the goodness of God.