The Fibro monster and I have certainly had our fair share of dances lately. For a week or so I was experiencing crushing pain throughout my body and extreme palpitations and chest pains along with vertigo and nightmares making their cameo again. Then those symptoms let up enough to feel more functional. I was most certainly in a mood of moods for awhile. Even whilst family commented that I'd been very social, inside I was an erratic mess of feeling SO frustrated at being in this body. I have started to wear at least one earplug if need be and to really stop gorging on the foods that make me feel like crud. My blood sugar has been in pre-diabetes mode since last year, along with high blood pressure results and high cholesterol. Horrible, I know. These things are all hereditary and I sure haven't helped by eating all of the foods our society deems normal. Even my beloved unsweetened almond milk sometimes seems to cause some tension in my system. The other day my blood sugar was in the level of those with diabetes. It really freaks me out. I have all of these issues already and I truly do not wish to add one more to the cocktail.
As of today my California medical benefits will be finished and that means no more free refills of my candida, thyroid, heart, liver,anti-anxiety and acid reflux medications. I am applying through the state of North Carolina tomorrow for food stamps and for medicaid- for which I will probably be denied. Usually you have to be pregnant or over 65 to get those benefits. We'll see. I surely do need to see a cardiologist for those chest pains and palpitations. I was told I have mitral valve prolapse, but I'd like to make sure all else is well. I also need to get situated with a primary doctor, a rheumatologist (though I have phone appointments with my Fibro doctor in California), an OB/GYN, an ortho, a dermatologist, etc. Jesus, I need a miracle! On a side note, I just realized that once I started taking "baby" aspirin again daily (per my mom) the chest tightness did go away. Wow, there must certainly be something to that.
The battle to quit sugar is rough. It is such an addiction and the candida surely does love it. I went about 7 or 8 days without and then Thanksgiving hit so I indulged... a lot.... now I am re-starting. Both Fibro doctors I have seen have stressed over and over the importance of not having sugar at all, but my friend's mother in law (who is a doctor) says otherwise. Now I am confused. I can see how sugar in moderation makes sense. Unfortunately for me currently, I struggle with self-control. Once I have one bite, I need another and another. That's the way of the candida, and if I keep feeding it then I will definitely never eliminate that as a huge contributor to Fibro.
The more I talk to other women living with this disease, the more I understand that we each have different factors that make up our particular Fibromyalgia situation. There are some similarities for sure, but each of our genetic make-up provides different contributors to it in our individual bodies.
Today finds me in a very tired state. I went and actually socialized yesterday so now I am dead beat tired. Trying to recoop for tomorrow so I can endure social services and hopefully a church service. It's always better to be in pain and so darn exhausted (talking about going to a theme park exhausted) after actually doing something! The pain and fatigue for absolutely no reason is prime and also a huge slam to the self-esteem. Partaking in activities and then feeling crappy helps to create a feeling of still existing and living amongst other people. Some days I just don't have the umph to do anything. Those are the worst of times. Everything feels negative, I can't see anything positive about this, and I just want to give up.
Thank goodness for prayer and people in my life who don't allow me to stop fighting. I am so full of gratitude for all of my family and friends, and especially my fellow Fibro warriors. You each make me stronger and bring me to the next leg of the journey. :)
Yesterday while moseying around the fire pit (love that smell!) and taking pictures of the trees and beautiful streams of nature, I saw this gorgeous red amidst the dry and dead of the woods. God speaks to me a lot through nature, and this was no exception. That this beautiful thing could rise up and thrive when among that which was faded and barren was a wonderful reminder that God does indeed take our pain and make something beautiful out of it even when it is the ugliest pain we can think of.


The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

“For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Isaiah 61


I am reminded again, to look up, look above to the One who is always with me.

So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
Colossians 3:1-2