Life and death.

This morning I woke up to a text with a photo of a beautiful baby girl born to 2 of my dearest friends.

Tonight another dear friend and her 2 children lost their precious husband/father to a brain tumor discovered a few months ago.

My mind spins, tears come unbidden. There is rejoicing. No more pain for his earthly body, no more sorrow. He is with Jesus and there is a welcome home party for him tonight in heaven. That is so beautiful, but my heart aches for the bride and children he left behind. I try to imagine how she is going about business.... brushing her teeth, pulling on socks, having conversations. I know she knew he was fading, but can anything ever fully prepare us for saying goodbye to the ones we love? When people die I always wonder, what was their last meal? What was their last thought? When was the last time they went to the restroom? Things like that. My heart hurts so much for her I almost can't stand it.

When I was 16 years old my grandma died on December 28th. I stayed each night in the hospital and watched as she got delirious and started to drift from us. One morning my auntie rushed in and told me "it's time." She and I went into that hospital room and as she prayed I held my grandma's already cold hand. We took the breathing mask off and I watched as her breaths became smaller and smaller until it was the very last one. She was gone. I was in shock. I went home and cried listening to The Tide is High and hugging a huge stuffed Winnie the Pooh I had. I had been close to her since I was born. She made me "french fried" and had been there my whole life. When I was a girl and she lived with us I would sleep with her every single night. I loved her fiercely.

Loss is painful. It doesn't matter if we know it is coming or not. Sorrow is sorrow.

This last night before the last night of 2011 I would like to say thank you to each person who has impacted my year. Not a one of you is insignificant. From the girl who used to make my sandwiches at Safeway in Glen Cove to the closest friend- you all matter so much more then you could ever know.

People have told me I have changed since I got sick. For a very long time I resisted that. I fought HARD to stay the same. I pretended to not be as sick as I was. I wanted to believe I could talk myself out of it. But now I am proud of who I am becoming. I may lose my temper easier, I may not be as physically strong, I may have had to modify almost every single area of my life to get through each day, but I have become more tender in dealing with my difficulties. I have met people who have the most beautiful souls despite their health conditions. I have learned that my tears are okay, that it's okay to be weak, and I have been brought to my knees in humility over and over.

And I want more. It doesn't feel good, but the thing is that it IS good. Every bit of being weened of my pride, my flesh.... it all brings me back to the place where I am on my face before the King of kings.

I am thankful. I am thankful that with pain comes a beauty so dazzling it almost cracks my heart in two.

God is good. He gives and He takes away. Our portion is set. Our boundaries hedged in. From birth to death with that dash of life in-between to make a difference on earth for His kingdom. What are you doing with Your dash? What have I been doing with mine? I long to glorify Him, to ooze Him wherever I go despite my failings in the flesh. I long to seek Him above all things, to choose Him even when others think I am crazy or trusting in the wrong thing.

I believe.

I know.

My God is good. My God is loving. My God is so beautiful.

I can choose to focus on the pains, and they are very real pains. I have had my cup of bitterness and resentment and anger, and yet I have also felt the cool refreshment of His embrace. This year has been a blur of memories, snapshots haphazard throughout my memory bank.

I bid adieu to 2011 and welcome all of the mountains and valleys of 2012.