This is the penalty for the last few days....

Yes, these last few days of Christmas Eve dinner and church, opening gifts, being on my feet, washing dishes, interacting with friends and family were all so much fun and very great mentally and spiritually....

Physically, on the other hand, is quite the warden.

Having fibro means that right now my feet and ankles and calves are swollen, my legs feel like I have been climbing mountains for days, my eyes are half closed. I misspell every other word but am determined to capture the sheer exhaustion right now. The heart palpitations have been back the last few days after a time without. My body is aching everywhere and I feel like screaming. It's what I imagine being on fire must feel like.

All of this pain.... yes, it is daily, but these last few have boded more activity than usual and so now it is like having jet lag and as if walking though Disneyland all day. I limp, I feel like keeling over, but I made it through the last few days. I got to enjoy Christmas. I remembered how much I love being around children. I am so thankful for the mother heart God has grown in me and for the privilege of having so many great kids in my life. It made my heart dance to have children around again, just as much as it made me miss my little Mylie so much more. This is my calling. I have always known it on some level. Ever since I was a young girl I've always loved taking care of other kids. I just wonder how I can do that ever again when it is so insanely hard. I can't be around people long, I have chronic fatigue, and I can't pick them up or tolerate games like I used to.

I miss being so active and the times that I trick myself into thinking I am being active are joyous memories. I am not lazy. I like being independent. I miss the me that could lift boxes of inventory, swing kids from my arms, dance and play and cradle little beings. I miss the me that didn't need help with everything.
Today I stood at the table trying to figure out how to lift the ketchup bottle and the night before it was a carton of milk to pour into the kids' cereal. It is absolutely humiliating. Then having to ask for help and have someone look at you like you are the laziest person on earth.... "how could she not lift a freaking carton of milk?"

It makes me feel needy. Makes me feel like I can't be that independent, individual person I used to be.

Right now I can barely concentrate. I just wanted to say that the repercussions we have to face with Fibro are excruciating.

I feel trapped in painful skin, muscle, and bone.