I'm not one who believes in sugar coating. I like things to be truthful and I don't ever want to be one who hides my flaws so I can look like I have it all together.
I don't. ;) Just to clarify.
So last night I had one of my outbursts. I call it that because I have no idea what is going on in my brain when it happens. It is rare but when it happens it is like something short circuits and I am suddenly sweating, so hot, and just so livid. LIVID. Like someone had just murdered my kitten or something (I don't have a kitten). I had a calm afternoon. I was in bed all day, still recovering from the holidays. It's been a beast of a time. More bad days then good again physically. I realize Fibro comes in waves. When it is in this long cycle like it has been since the holidays I start to feel defeated again. So after resting all day, catching up on shows, having some great time with Jesus and feeling the anxiety for the social security evaluation tomorrow melt away as I mediated on Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I assumed it was all good.
I have been feeling extremely agitated about these upcoming appointments. It's very stressful. I have been to so many doctors over the last 3 years that I have lost count. I have had a few excellent doctors, and many who have ripped my heart out by not taking me seriously or belittling my conditions. I know I have to do this if I want to get SSI or Medicaid. I have been told only 1 in 10 people get approved. There is so much anxiety that comes with appointments. And I don't want advice about it. I don't want to be told it'll work out. I know that. I do know that. Not by my own confidence, but because God has not let me down. Not one time ever. Even when things haven't gone MY way, He has still not let me down. He has simply provided in another way. That is the thought that I settled on yesterday and clung to. He tells us in His word specifically NOT to worry. NOT to be anxious. We read these verses, we repeat them to others, we try to live that way, but oh that flesh of ours! It still wants it's way. Still harps us to take control, steer the ship, doubt, be afraid.
NO.
I debated how I should go. Pajamas? Clothes? People suggested I don't shower, wear my glasses, etc. All great suggestions. I started to feel like I had to act a part.
Then the whisper..... "be you."
And suddenly it was understood and decided. I don't have to "act." I simply need to show up and be authentic. Live my life in that evaluation like I live it everyday. That is the true story. I wear pajamas 95% of the time, I stay home and indoors 90% of the time, I limp when I walk for longer then 5 minutes, hence the use of motorized carts and the handy dandy disabled placard I have been given, I am tired every single minute of every single day, I am sick every single day. It's legit. It's not going anywhere. If I get denied for SSI and/or Medicaid I will appeal. I will trust that God already has avenues of providing medication and help when I need it. I do not need to worry. I do not need to fear. How easy it is to steer that way. How easy it is to wonder and stress.
So after this beautiful revelation from time with Jesus imagine my surprise and humiliation when I suddenly became the angry bear again. It comes on quick and leaves even quicker. For those of you reading who automatically want to start spout off diagnoses for me (bi-polar? depression? rage? ptsd?)- don't. I have been to so many doctors and have had so many tests. I know what is wrong with me and it is called Fibromyalgia.
There have been some who are still, for whatever reason, unwilling to understand that or validate that it is a real, life-changing, all encompassing illness. I have decided I am done with those people in my life.
I am still going through the stages of grief. Acceptance comes in baby sized chunks, and then remixes with denial and bargaining and anger and everything else. I used to force myself... to do what? Everything. To be, to smile, to laugh, to be strong, to not complain, to go to parties, to paste that grin on even when I felt like I wanted to collapse. And then it became impossible to do that so I started to hide away.
Last night after my anger came the apologies, the feelings of intense frustration and helplessness. I felt embarrassed and cruel and so guilty. Luckily I have some very forgiving people in my world. I in no way think it is okay to be "short circuiting" on people. I loathe it almost more then anything in the world (lies still take #1 as my ultimate dislike though).
I cried. I felt it all over again. That feeling of when, when, when will this stop? When will I have a balance? Not the balance I have come to already and lose periodically, not someone else telling me it gets better, not someone patronizing and acting like they have this mastered, but me... Janet.... not feeling so sick every day. Feeling so angry at the loss of a life I don't even want anymore (the days before Fibro).
When it gets like this I mourn the old me. I think about how my eyes used to shine with joy, how people praised my joy (how arrogant is that?! To have wanted that praise in the first place!), how I carted around the kids- toys, crayons, and love filling up that backseat and spreading throughout my whole heart. If I miss anything about my old life it is not the hanging out, it is not even serving in ministries or going to church. What I ache for, miss the most is "my" kids. I miss my ability to be around children. Even now as I type that I start to cry and my heart cracks a little. I miss that. I miss mine. Fibromyalgia has taken a lot from me- my health, my relationships, my job, my dignity, my strength, my control....
"MY."
It has taken so much and in it's place God has still found a way to give me...
sunshine
laughter
love
my breath- I take this for granted. Every single day. I want to wake up every morning being thankful as soon as I pop open sleep encrusted eyes. Another day. Another chance to delight in the fresh air, in the people around me, and in the sweetness of this life God has given me.
hope
encouragement
a different kind of strength that is not physical
vulnerability
compassion
And I am so grateful. It's not about me. My comforts, my plans, my goals. Didn't I ask Him, don't I still ask Him to change me? To make my heart more like His? To take this tender heart He has given me and use it to change the sphere around me? Don't I long for this?
YES.
Unequivocally yes.
I was watching one of my fave shows yesterday and a character said this: "You're not that girl anymore. It's okay if you want to let her go."
Another hit to my heart. Simple lines from a simple show. But it's more. I hold on. I cling to that old me just as much as I bat her hands on the side of the boat so she'll let go.
Even as I blog, as I cry, as I pray, as I vent, as I hurt and ache and scream out.... I know.
I know this is for His glory. I know I am being squeezed so tight I can barely breathe so that I will cease and He will bring me, show me, lead me.
The enemy wants to take me out. He wants to wear me down, get to me to give up, give in, stop pursuing my first love, Jesus.
I say NO. I will not. I will seek harder. I will ask for impossible faith. I will ask for transformation no matter how much it breaks this body because this body is temporal. I will ask for determination because most times it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. I will ask for help. I will be real with people. I will love. I will give. I will not stop. I will seek first His kingdom.
Because to me THAT IS LIFE.
I miss the Philippines. I miss the kids. I miss life as most of us understand it to be lived. Going to weddings, baby showers, parties, church, serving in ministries, shopping at malls, going on trips, being healthy most of all. But I wouldn't want to miss this, because as I am being broken something so much sweeter is being poured over my life, and I pray that I will not hold it so tight in my own fist that I forget to give it away.
I believe a song can change our lives. I love that God uses EVERYTHING to speak to our hearts and music is the universal language. A melody, words strung together in lyrical harmony delighting our eardrums. This song is so lovely and makes my heart fly high, high, high:
"Every time I close my eyes I can touch the colors around me
Suddenly I realize everything I thought was impossible is here
And my heart sings in a world so incredible
And everything burns much brighter
Chorus:
I (I) want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life
I think it'd be nice with you
I want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life I think it'd be nice with you
with you, with you, with you
Fingertips, northern lights, tracing colors right through the sky
Underneath a lullaby I never felt as blissful as I do here
And my heart sings in a world so incredible
And everything shines much brighter
Chorus:
I (I) want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life
I think it'd be nice with you
I want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life I think it'd be nice with you
with you, with you, with you
Set the night on fire if we want to
Hanging out with the stars and the big moon
I very well thank you how do you do
Set the night on fire if we want to
Hanging out with the stars and the big moon
Put them down for a dance with your lasso
I think it'd be nice with you, with you (X4)"
What an amazing journey this continues to be! This very morning I woke up to a box of beautiful roses and a vase. Attached was a simple note, not signed.
This has blessed my life so much more than you know. Thank you anonymous. (; You are yet another example of how very much God enriches my life and your flowers are the arms outstretched to lift me back up today. You are valued.
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for the little things that somehow right all of the wrongs. You continue to amaze me. I pray my eyes would always be open and that my heart would expand further and wider than I thought possible.
<3
