I just got in from a jaunt around the block. The air was crisp and the purple/pink sky beckoned me forward. I have mentioned before how enthralled I am with nature. I adore the tiny yellow flowers hanging out among the weeds, the sprinkle of purple flowers on the field across the way. It can be so easy to not drink it in... this splendor we have everyday as a buffet, and I am not just talking flowers and trees here. I mean everything. The way the moon and the stars hang in the sky just so, designed by a God who is both extremely detailed and wildly spontaneous. The way music can change the atmosphere, like rediscovering a favorite song not heard for years or watching home movies of different seasons of life....
These months since the move have been a blur. Literally, I remember bits and pieces, highlighted by the continual walk forward through the changes. My heart has been broken, bound back together, broken again, and stirred up to a tenderness I can't fully convey. I've always been highly sensitive. As I grew up family members would chastise me and tell me to not be so sensitive, and I became an adult who believed it was wrong to feel so very much. In my short 11 years of walking with the Lord He has revealed to me that this sensitive spirit comes from Him, and that tenderness is what enables me to love and raise children not born of my flesh, it has brought me to a place of intense awareness of the atmosphere around me, and it allows me to really, really feel what others are feeling. Here's the thing: when we ask Papa for something He gives it to us. So, asking Him to break my heart for what breaks His, to sing songs of love and to declare "Lord, I will go to the ends of the earth if you want me to" means that I can live in expectation that He will surely bring me to those things.
If we belong to Him, fully, exclusively, sins and all, then how can we have anything but hearts that are so open and true? Do we ignore the homeless man who rides up on a bicycle asking for $1 for something to eat at a nearby KFC, or do we roll down our window and ask what we can get for him?
Do you notice him? Do you see him the way God does? Do you love him, without knowing anything about him? Can you feel his heartbeat? Does your desire to bless him outweigh your desire to develop those photos on your USB or get your Starbucks fix?
Do you love him?
Because that is important. More important then making it to service on Sunday, more important then that church bake sale, more important then what is on the DVR.
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
Matthew 25:40
Does your heart break for the people around you, especially when they are unlovable? What about when the person asking something of you does not fit the Christian mold of today? What if she is a prostitute? What if he is a drug addict? What if they come to YOUR church building dirty and smelling of booze? Will you honor him or her? Will you give them the best seat in the house, or would you turn your head, whisper to your friends, content in the suburban Christianity that you call yours? This is important. Are you Jesus in your sphere? Do people know they can call you, text you, send a telegram for prayer anytime? Are you a life line for anyone? Are you reading all the hot Christian books and posting quotes on Twitter or Facebook, but not really living out the life you are called to when you surrender to Jesus?
These are questions I must frequently ask myself. I know my flaws well. I know my irritations, my fleshy desires that demand my attention. I know how easy it is to feel apathetic especially being chronically ill. However, that is not how I am called to live.
Lately I have been going through rather extensive reflection process. I've dug out some old VHS tapes and it has been entirely surreal to watch myself...
at 21 years old bungee jumping...
at 20 having alcohol for the first time at a party with schoolmates from junior high and high school...
at 17 during my high school graduation....
at 16 having a birthday party and feeling so insecure about being videotaped... I had forgotten how much I hated having my picture taken back in those days....
and I have not even dived into the childhood footage yet.
But in watching these fragments of time, I can feel the Lord seriously binding up my heart. It's as if these last 2.5 years of crucible have been building up to this accelerated moment of intense love and memory, resulting in a lighter and happier heart.
I watched as my Uncle and Auntie held up my Grandma to dance (she was no longer able to after a stroke and was in a wheelchair) during that birthday party. 7 months after that party she passed away, and God privileged me to be in the room with her when she took her last breath. I still remember her eyes looking heavenward on the days before she passed. She spoke of a chariot, she spoke of "the children." This has absolutely nothing to do with what I am talking about, but it was a sweet moment to discover this footage on tape.
The thing is this: God has all of our days planned.
Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.
Job 1:10
He knows His children. He knows YOU. He knows me. He knows what makes us tick and what makes us so happy our hearts could burst. As I drove to the store to get some communion cups (so cool, for the first time ever I took communion by myself at home and plan to once a month since I can't always make it to church) I passed by the spot where an Olive Garden is being built in this town, and I smiled and tears sprang to my eyes. Yes, I believe that God loves me so much, that He knows my heart so much, that He allowed for an Olive Garden to be built here because He knew it would make me happy and that it would make it feel more like "home." God is in the details.
We are taken care of. No matter how deep the crucible.
cru·ci·ble/ˈkro͞osəbəl/
Noun:
A ceramic or metal container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures.
A place or occasion of severe test or trial: "the crucible of combat".
That is something that we are told on repeat as believers. It is something we struggle to remember on the very worst of days, and the amazing thing is that even when we don't feel taken care of, we are.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Matthew 6:26
Over and over in my own life I have witnessed and felt the boldness of God's love. It has come in waves, and other times it has felt so quiet. For a long season I felt like God was hiding His face from me. I did not feel His nearness as I used to and I felt like I must have done something wrong. Full disclosure here: struggling to live in spite of being ill, having my entire world turn upside down, and experiencing my whole identity being stripped and rebuilt.... it's been quite the pickle. It's hard to cling to God when you can't feel Him. The amazing, absolutely beautiful thing is that HE DOES NOT EVER LET GO. Not once, not even for one minute. His hands are not like ours, that start to sweat and slip to hold on. No, no, no. His grip is strong, His love unequivocal.
LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
I am overwhelmed with troubles
and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
darkness is my closest friend.
Psalm 88
I am still in the crucible, the path is still dim, and yet MY GOD, He is unfailing. He listens to my pleas, He scoops up my teardrops, He consoles, He binds up a heart that aches. He IS.
In 2007 I burned all 84+ journals I kept in the trunk by my bed after Papa whispered to my heart: "I don't keep a record of your sins, why do you?" My record of my life from 12 years to 27. And then when I moved here last year I burned about 15 more. I kept certain entries, and earlier this week I re-read through them, and in that something began to change in my spirit. I read my entries from my 2 weeks in the Philippines and my soul awoke again. I remembered.
I started to know myself again.
These last years have been like Alice falling into the rabbit hole...
and lately it feels like instead of falling through darkness....
there is a little light...
as I cling to Truth:
and one day I know I will no longer be falling and instead be sitting by His stream of peace.
In other news: I have decided to stop taking Xanax. I believe it is an effective medication, and it has helped me so much. One reason is that I don't have a doctor here yet and so I have no pain or anti-anxiety meds (except for what my precious friend has generously shared, bless her heart) but mainly it is because it seems to have the opposite effect now. I find that it calms my anxiety (which is happening less frequently these days! Yay!)but afterwards I either get extremely depressed or fly into a rage. No thank you to both of those.
I have had a left temple/eyeball migraine for the last 4 nights. It plays peek-a-boo and lends itself to insomnia, even after taking Melatonin. I think the culprit was the Pepsi I drank 4 nights ago (caffeine is a huge negative for me).
Walking has become a more frequent event, though I usually walk like a snail. Hey, at least I'm out there again. ;) I've been writing a lot more also. Blogging is fun, but for me, nothing beats good old fashioned journaling.
Life is unfolding as it is supposed to. I am hedged in. I am loved. I love. Music is bliss. Creation is marvelous. I am blessed.
I know that Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, these viral infections, and all the other conditions are going to take lots of work to manage. I know that I have to take it day by day and that I do have extreme limitations, but I also know this....
God is good and He is love.
That's all I need to know.
xoxo
