Thank you, Amelia

During a recent episode of Private Practice, the character Amelia was taking out her anger about her life out on another character... again. Amelia had gone down the road of drug addiction and lost the love of her life as a result when he overdosed. Eventually she found out she was pregnant with his baby, but because of the drugs the baby was developing in her womb without a brain. During the time of the drug addiction she lashed out at all of the people who love her during an intervention, in particular, her ex sister in law. Understandable, after all, she was on drugs and unwilling to admit she had a problem. Eventually she did end up getting help and all. Let's take it to this recent episode... the ex sister in law has finally been blessed with the child she has wanted for years. The child she was unable to conceive, even with fertility treatments and whatnot. So this character is soaking in the joy of this dream come true. These two women are close, and in another fit of self-pity Amelia once again lashes out. She is feeling sorry for herself because her baby is not going to have a healthy, happy life. She will instead donate the baby's organs after she delivers it. She tells her ex sister in law that she hates her, and some other not so kind things. Yeah, real charmer.

I understand the heartache of knowing that the baby you love, the baby inside of your womb, the baby you created, will not live. I have experienced this loss. I know the pain, the feeling of guilt. This isn't about that. This is about the fact that as I sat there listening to this woman (albeit a tv character) go on and on and on, and blame everyone else for her pain, I realized how very ugly self-pity really is.

Now, during these last few years I have done my best (many a prayer here!) to never ask for pity. To never feel sorry for myself and what I go through. I have most definitely been sad, been furious, been depressed and in a rage even. I have not wanted to exist at the darkest moments, and I have felt low, low, low to the ground. In all of that I have felt repulsed at any idea that anyone would feel sorry for me. At times that has been to my detriment, because I have forced myself to keep up with those around me. I have definitely come a long way.

In fact, it was while watching Amelia freak her freak, that I realized fully how unattractive that behavior is. To blame others, to be bitter, to expect the world to bend to oneself because of hardship.

No.

Fibromyalgia is real, and it is happening to me. But it is also happening to those around me. To Aaron, to my parents, to all of the people in my life who have witnessed my mood swings, my limitations, my frustrations. Sometime last year I made it a point to tell Aaron that I am so grateful to him. For learning about this thing with me, for sticking with me, for being there no matter what. That this is happening to him as well, being the one who is with me everyday. And it made a difference. That was the first time I realized that I couldn't hoard all of the feelings that come along with illness. Sure, the actual illnesses are happening TO me, but the effects of those illnesses cascade down and involve everyone who loves me.

I am transcending out of depression. I have a balance in my spirit (thank you Jesus!) that I have not had since 2010, if that. I won't say I never have discouraging moments, but they are far less frequent. I know I have not fully accepted this yet, but I also know there has been so much progress. Much more then I ever realized. And truly it has been one moment at a time. This episode was just another teacher.

So thank you, writers of Private Practice, and the character of Amelia. Thank you for reminding me how gross and unattractive self-pity and anger is. Thank you for reminding me that selfishness is blinding and so opposite of who I am called to live in Christ. With or without illness, this life is not about me. It is about the Jesus that I love with all of my heart and soul.

I believe the most important lesson I have learned (and continue to re-learn) with illness is that we have to be pro-active. If we want to feel well we have to take our medications everyday, and not make excuses for why we don't. We have to reach out, and be unselfish with our time and our kindness with other people (especially others in our same boat). The world does not revolve around us because we are sick, and expecting our spouses, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends, and friends to take care of us is unacceptable and selfish behavior. Help, yes. But to expect someone else to do the things we know we need to do in order to manage our illness is so ridiculous. We have to take the steps to want to help ourselves, instead of curling up in a little ball and crying miserably that no one understands. That may be true. Fibromyalgia is hard to understand, even when you are living it. But those people, and many others, will never know about it unless we speak up. Unless they see us trying, see us living despite our disabilities. I would be lying if I said I never had a day where I cry, or a day where it all feels impossible. When the pain and fatigue is screeching it can feel like the road ahead is impossible.... but it's not.

We need to fight back! We need to persevere. We need to take responsibility for ourselves.

No curling up on couches expecting people to feel sorry for us. No making excuses for why we can't take meds, or attempt exercise, or eat better. Those are lies, because we can make wiser decisions. Will those things heal us? No. But making those choices make a world of difference.

Pro-active or self-pity?

Only you can choose.

I have been getting into the practice of taking deep breaths. I never have before, unless at a doctors appointment and they've said to do so. It's very relaxing and beautiful. You should try it sometime. ;)