"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
-Helen Keller
Dear Child,
It was 15 years ago that I carried you and 15 years ago that I lost you. Lost is such a weird word. Lost. As if I were holding your hand and you suddenly slipped away never to be seen again. Lost as if you were a sweater I misplaced somewhere and never found. But that is not the case. I carried you inside of me, and although the world could not see, you were there in my womb.
On days like today I ache just a little more so. I miss you and I wonder how it would have been had you been born. I will never know the answer to that, but I can imagine to a certain extent. No matter. After years of untouched grief, I finally surrendered and faced the loss several years ago. I was too young at the time of it to really process what it meant to have you taken from me, but as I grew older I could not avoid opening the loss. And in facing it, I was able to heal.... heal but not forget.
And now I know you are in the heavenlies and one day I will meet you. I will cup your face in my hand, I will know your smile, I will hold you. For today, I remember you... and I love you. Fiercely, deeply.
I did not get to hold you, rock you to sleep, sing songs over you to hush your tears, but oh how I have loved you.
I miss you today and I miss you everyday.
Love,
Your Mommy
