Sometimes the pain and fatigue are really just THAT bad, and it takes some time to charge the batteries again. I've been so active lately, and I am darn proud of it! I think back to 3 years ago, and even just months ago and so much progress has been made. I believe the most pivotal transformation started to happen once I accepted and understood that I was not working to be cured. Suddenly I started to make steps to have a livable life, right where I was at.
Truthfully, the VERY most important thing in having my Fibromyalgia managed, is the constant knowledge that I can cover all of my bases and still have days where I can barely move, where I will feel miserable by no fault of my own, that I DO have an illness, that I do what I can. Getting that, living that... it enables me to enjoy my life in a way I hadn't in years. I have stopped beating myself up about it, for the most part, and that really frees me up to expend energy on other things.
Sleep is the absolute best medicine, staying in a routine with all of the medications, and riding my bike have really fueled a sense of well-being. Over a year ago I made the most difficult decision of my life thus far, and moved away from my hometown and the little child I love more than anyone. I went through a deep, dark night of the soul and cried, crawled, and scrambled my way out of the pitch black and into the light. God, forever my staple, forever my refuge, forever my focal point. Even when I wanted to give up and let the Fibromyalgia just have it's way, Abba did not let me linger in misery for long. He gave me such gifts in the people and life around me. He set me upright and trailed my palm with His... I followed, eyes swollen from the tears, and heart heavy from immense heartbreak.
And slowly, so very slowly, the sunshine crept in. And now my quality of life, though I am still very sick, is about 60% better than even 6 months ago. 60%. I still struggle everyday, I still have moments of frustration, and I definitely have annoyance, and yet... 60%.
That amount allows me to sit at the dinner table (with earplugs of course) with my family, enables me to ride my bike at least 5 times a week, gives me self-discipline to stop eating the sugar that is the #1 enemy of Fibro, allows me to do load after load of laundry, run errands, drive a car, go out places alone, see movies, and focus on my writing more. It allows me to dream about future plans- writing, spontaneity, travel, and always adventure.
In no way am I saying I am fixed. I still have to pick and choose. I still get drained after a quick outing. I still feel overwhelmed by sounds and touch and bright lights. I still have to be very careful with what I do everyday. I still have pain 24/7 and fatigue presses on me constantly. I still feel sick. The beautiful thing is that facets of my personality that were buried have been resurrected and I am walking in my dreams again. I no longer carry that persistent anxiety and sadness. That fear to be out in public, that sadness at not being able to do what I used to do. I quite like this new me- healed emotionally & newly brazen as my old confidence has come back drop by drop. I am no longer afraid, of neither what is going to happen to me with Fibromyalgia, nor what anyone thinks about me. I feel more alive than I ever have.
I think some of that has to do with age. Truly, the 30's are not to be dreaded. I feel more secure in my own skin then I ever have. I own it. I listen to my body. Oddly, I thank Fibromyalgia for some of that. It's taught me to be disciplined, though for the first years of it I kicked and screamed. ;) And some of it is because of the people in my life. I am truly blessed in this world with very amazing, brave, bright spark plugs of human beings! I don't know that I would have ever seen or known the brilliant beauty of the human soul without experiencing sickness. No other trial I've endured has ever stripped everything away like sickness has. In the stillness of agony, my eyes have been privy to see the most beautiful things in everything absolutely ordinary. And much of the healing comes from God. My holy, generous, beautiful, illuminating God.
So while I still have days where I lay on the floor in front of my heater, unmoving... tears of frustration, bad moods, boundaries, having to say no, feelings of guilt that swell... I also have days of bliss. Pain free? No. But lovely... oh so very, very lovely and right and full of cherishing promise.
Who am I to have won such a glorious life? Riddled with pain and trial and turmoil, and still also, joy and laughter and so much love?
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul."
-Horatio G. Spafford
You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can’t thank you enough.
Psalm 30:11-12
Love,
Janet
