It's very, very cold today! I LOVE it, but we all know Fibro is not down with the chilly weather. So, today (more than ever) I am grateful for portable heaters and hot beverages.
It's always strange to be out in the "real" world. I feel like an alien as I watch people interact, and listen to the faint sounds of chatter through the ever present earplugs. It's odd to think of life before Fibro... to remember that I was once a busy bee and that I never once thought twice about interacting or being out in public. It's pleasing to know that I no longer feel afraid to be at someplace like Starbucks. For so long I kept to myself when I had to be out in public. It was strictly fight or flight at all times. No exaggeration. I could have a meltdown of epic proportions just by simple things. There was no one trigger for a panic attack or anger, like the time I muttered some choice curse words at an unsuspecting Safeway employee. The poor thing.
It's been a good year, and I do not say that lightly. I still have Fibromyalgia. I still loathe the medical system. I still have a lot of not so comfortable days in my own skin, BUT as I was reflecting over 2012, I realized that this has been a year of finding my balance.... both in learning to accept my illness and in adjusting after the cross country move. 2010 & 2011 were both so fraught with panic and no answers, and infection after virus after ailment after stress. Yup. I was walking around in darkness, desperate for a good doctor, an official diagnosis, and a way out of the nightmare.
Now, I can say I am no longer full of devastation and turmoil. I have my happy back, and it meets with the joy that was waiting this whole time and my spirit dances.
I am still sick. I still desire a good doctor. I still wonder about my future.
But I am now able to do small things to give me my independence back. A long drive. Reading good books. Baking cookies. Thinking about taking a class or two online next semester or the one after that. Writing. Riding my bike almost every single day, and craving it like mad when I don't.
And even though sickness still invades my body, I feel more alive.
Cheers to this year of intense self-examination and immense growth. It sure as hell didn't happen overnight, and the grumpies still come around occasionally, but with some really hard work I dare say I have come to manage my Fibromyalgia.
For a long time I think I was expecting to be cured, and when I started to understand that wasn't going to happen, I expected to just be better... well enough to be like how I was before... until eventually I started to appreciate who I was becoming. Sometimes I feel tricked... I'll wake up feeling pretty good and I'll think maybe, just maybe it went away. It never does. I have come to understand that as best as I can, and I look forward to what this next year brings.
It's pretty exciting. ;)
